Sorry...
Yeah, I haven't posted in a while...I just got done with seven straight days of working, and this is the night of my final day off. Having a full time job sucks....well, maybe not...I do have money now.
But, I hate money. There is nothing I want to buy. I've made over a thousand dollars, and I have nothing to spend it on. I have to wonder why I have this job. Sure, I have to pay off student loans, but, not for several years.
I hate the first shift workers. Our dishwashing machine has not been fixed in over a week, and the water is so putrid and disgusting that the dishes can't be cleaned by the water anymore.
I hate that I used to have so much potential, only to waste it. I hate that I might have become something great, only to become something useless. I hate that I have to sit and watch as the world happens around me, and I can do nothing to join in. I try, and I struggle, and I fight and suffer and strive, but all my efforts have gotten me no where.
But, most of all, I hate myself. I hate the position I am in. I hate that I am stuck here, I hate my weakness, I hate the fact that I am one of the few smart enough to think at a higher level, but not high enough to matter, and too high to be blissfully ignorant. I'm neither a sheep or a farmer...I'm the scarecrow in the field.
But, I'm rambling. I suppose I get like that when I am angry. It is interesting, after all my training, to feel the changes in my body when my mood changes. Slight tensions running through muscles most people don't even realize they have...the shift in the rate of blood flow, the feeling of the signals running through my nervous system...So enlightening, and so humbling at the same time. I know emotions are only electrical signals being interpretted by my brain...but, the feeling inside my chest...like pent-up energy. All my rage, disappointment, sorrow, and hatred all bottled up into a tiny little sphere. All my darkness and malevolence compressed and refined, kept in a small space within my heart...such instability, such energy, what would possibly happen if a positive amount of energy were allowed to react with it? Like matter and anti-matter, hot and cold...an explosion? A release? It's been building up for twenty-one years, and sooner or later, I will find a way to break the container that holds my negativity...and, when I do, I will achieve true enlightenment. I long for that day.
[/end insanity]
But, I hate money. There is nothing I want to buy. I've made over a thousand dollars, and I have nothing to spend it on. I have to wonder why I have this job. Sure, I have to pay off student loans, but, not for several years.
I hate the first shift workers. Our dishwashing machine has not been fixed in over a week, and the water is so putrid and disgusting that the dishes can't be cleaned by the water anymore.
I hate that I used to have so much potential, only to waste it. I hate that I might have become something great, only to become something useless. I hate that I have to sit and watch as the world happens around me, and I can do nothing to join in. I try, and I struggle, and I fight and suffer and strive, but all my efforts have gotten me no where.
But, most of all, I hate myself. I hate the position I am in. I hate that I am stuck here, I hate my weakness, I hate the fact that I am one of the few smart enough to think at a higher level, but not high enough to matter, and too high to be blissfully ignorant. I'm neither a sheep or a farmer...I'm the scarecrow in the field.
But, I'm rambling. I suppose I get like that when I am angry. It is interesting, after all my training, to feel the changes in my body when my mood changes. Slight tensions running through muscles most people don't even realize they have...the shift in the rate of blood flow, the feeling of the signals running through my nervous system...So enlightening, and so humbling at the same time. I know emotions are only electrical signals being interpretted by my brain...but, the feeling inside my chest...like pent-up energy. All my rage, disappointment, sorrow, and hatred all bottled up into a tiny little sphere. All my darkness and malevolence compressed and refined, kept in a small space within my heart...such instability, such energy, what would possibly happen if a positive amount of energy were allowed to react with it? Like matter and anti-matter, hot and cold...an explosion? A release? It's been building up for twenty-one years, and sooner or later, I will find a way to break the container that holds my negativity...and, when I do, I will achieve true enlightenment. I long for that day.
[/end insanity]