The First Rule of Fight Club
The First Rule of Fight Club
The instructor barked at us. Something Chinese-y. His spit traveled in a graceful trajectory and burned out someone's eye.
“This is the 'Monkey Drinking from the Bloodied Toilet',” he said, his right arm scooped midway to chest level while his left arm was chambered by his side. His legs were spread and bent. A prominent vein throbbed steadily at the right of his temple.
We tried to emulate him but we ended up looking like human statues positioned by perverts.
“No,” he screamed as he jabbed an unfortunate student in the neck. From the back of the class, I could hear a crack.
“Your stances are pathetic and your method of breathing pales to an asthmatic after a wank.” He stomped towards a waif of a girl and grabbed her by the hair to the front.
“You. Volunteer,” he seethed as he hands her a Bowie knife. She underestimated the weight of the weapon and nearly dropped it. “Careful,” he muttered, “that knife is dear to me. It killed for me in the Vietnam War. Men, women and children. Armed and defenseless. It's worth more to me than your soul.”
He turned to us.
“Assuming you're being attacked by a woman whose mind has been ravaged by a new strain of VD. She comes at you with a knife. What's the first thing you do?”
“Kick the assailant in the balls,” said the black woman on my right.
“It's a girl, Neesha,” I said.
“Don't matter,” she replied. “Still hurts like hell.”
Every solution to Neesha, is to kick it in the balls. Someone charges at her with a stick. Kick him in the balls. The soda machine doesn't dispense her drink. Kick it in the balls. Someone, with a surgically-receded scrotum attacks with a flamethrower. Kick area where balls used to be. Repeat until something bleeds.
The volunteer lunges at our instructor who roundhouse kick her in the womb. As she made impact with the ground her bowels prolapsed.
“That's how you take those bastards down,” the instructor yelled. “Now let's see that demonstration again. Filthy volunteer, clean yourself up and attack me again.”
Fuck martial arts.
I'm buying a gun.
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