Turn it up, it's five minutes to midnight.
So, in pretty much stark contrast to the last post, it looks as though I won't be attending Douglas College in the fall, at the very least. I can't afford to "stall" or lolligag as others do.
I figure I grew up differently. It just seems like my opnion of "having enough" and "being spoiled" is on the fence. I put myself in a selfish state. I have many things that I could not afford, per se, but I still have. This very laptop is one such thing. I spent maybe the first half of my childhood in an upper-middle class home, something that now seems huge. When my parents divorced, it changed everything. Sometimes, as kids, we don't feel things right away.
I don't know if I ever mentioned this before, but one day, Cam and I had little to do. With a full tank of gas and a little optimism, I offered we go visit my old house in Coquitlam. Cam agreed, and we headed that way. Once we reached a certain point, I could have led him with my eyes closed. I directed him right to my house, having not been there myself since the summer of 1997. What I thought would be a neat little trip turned sour. I felt sick to my stomach, I felt as though I'd led myself here to perhaps prove to myself I missed out on something. Something. We had to leave pretty much right away. I even saw my old school, which provided the same effect.
Moving out of quiet suburban Coquitlam into the rush of a city like Surrey, mixed with emotional issues a child wasn't really able to handle, I grew up more then than ever. I'm growing up again now, facing the music of things like post-secondary education and carrers... dreams, aspirations. Everything they told you could do before is held at a distance. It's only when you get closer do you see perhaps there is finer print.
I had everything i wanted as a child, and I think perhaps that's what ruined me now. My father, wether he wants to admit it or not, has a lot of money. He holds the ability for me to go to college three times over, and yet... he holds back. He's never been there the ways I really needed him, and he's afraid I'll hate him because I live with my mother. This in itself is stupid. I can see him now, when he came last Christmas, crying on the doorstep about how we were ruining our relationship with him by not stay in contact with him. At the time, I felt for him. I still had trouble placing where the blame really lied - but I felt. Afterwards, though, I realized a few things. The man is my father. He chose not to have us around - he should at least hold some responsibility.
He whined and whined until I got him his tickets for grad, and when we get there, he tells me he has a "big surprise" for my grad gift, and that we'll have to discuss it. My grad was two months ago, Dad... I can't seem to track him down for more than five seconds to talk. Perhaps I'll call him... now.
... of course, he's not there. Why would he be? He's rich - probably out fishing or something.
I miss my friends from lunch hour, and I haven't really started anything to miss them that much. I miss Mystery and Shawnali and the others I sat with. David, I even miss Serge a little.
I feel that the people i know, most of them - they have it reletively easy when it comes to college and money. It's handed to them. I'm not saying this changes the persona of these people - I still love them to bits. But it frustrates me to no end when I'm told that it doesn't make sense that my mom can't help me pay for college.
It just doesn't work that way.
I'm not sad. I'm tired of going to visit places and read entrance things... I just want to know if it'll get me where I'm going, damnit. I don't want to attend one of your lame ass sessions. Fuck.
I have little to do today.
I'd go biking if the bike wasn't broken beyond repair. I'd go swimming... hey wait! i could go swimming. But what good does that do.
I'll just be bored and wet.
I had fun on Saturday. I felt like my life actually had purpose being on stage.
with love and admiration
kevin
I figure I grew up differently. It just seems like my opnion of "having enough" and "being spoiled" is on the fence. I put myself in a selfish state. I have many things that I could not afford, per se, but I still have. This very laptop is one such thing. I spent maybe the first half of my childhood in an upper-middle class home, something that now seems huge. When my parents divorced, it changed everything. Sometimes, as kids, we don't feel things right away.
I don't know if I ever mentioned this before, but one day, Cam and I had little to do. With a full tank of gas and a little optimism, I offered we go visit my old house in Coquitlam. Cam agreed, and we headed that way. Once we reached a certain point, I could have led him with my eyes closed. I directed him right to my house, having not been there myself since the summer of 1997. What I thought would be a neat little trip turned sour. I felt sick to my stomach, I felt as though I'd led myself here to perhaps prove to myself I missed out on something. Something. We had to leave pretty much right away. I even saw my old school, which provided the same effect.
Moving out of quiet suburban Coquitlam into the rush of a city like Surrey, mixed with emotional issues a child wasn't really able to handle, I grew up more then than ever. I'm growing up again now, facing the music of things like post-secondary education and carrers... dreams, aspirations. Everything they told you could do before is held at a distance. It's only when you get closer do you see perhaps there is finer print.
I had everything i wanted as a child, and I think perhaps that's what ruined me now. My father, wether he wants to admit it or not, has a lot of money. He holds the ability for me to go to college three times over, and yet... he holds back. He's never been there the ways I really needed him, and he's afraid I'll hate him because I live with my mother. This in itself is stupid. I can see him now, when he came last Christmas, crying on the doorstep about how we were ruining our relationship with him by not stay in contact with him. At the time, I felt for him. I still had trouble placing where the blame really lied - but I felt. Afterwards, though, I realized a few things. The man is my father. He chose not to have us around - he should at least hold some responsibility.
He whined and whined until I got him his tickets for grad, and when we get there, he tells me he has a "big surprise" for my grad gift, and that we'll have to discuss it. My grad was two months ago, Dad... I can't seem to track him down for more than five seconds to talk. Perhaps I'll call him... now.
... of course, he's not there. Why would he be? He's rich - probably out fishing or something.
I miss my friends from lunch hour, and I haven't really started anything to miss them that much. I miss Mystery and Shawnali and the others I sat with. David, I even miss Serge a little.
I feel that the people i know, most of them - they have it reletively easy when it comes to college and money. It's handed to them. I'm not saying this changes the persona of these people - I still love them to bits. But it frustrates me to no end when I'm told that it doesn't make sense that my mom can't help me pay for college.
It just doesn't work that way.
I'm not sad. I'm tired of going to visit places and read entrance things... I just want to know if it'll get me where I'm going, damnit. I don't want to attend one of your lame ass sessions. Fuck.
I have little to do today.
I'd go biking if the bike wasn't broken beyond repair. I'd go swimming... hey wait! i could go swimming. But what good does that do.
I'll just be bored and wet.
I had fun on Saturday. I felt like my life actually had purpose being on stage.
with love and admiration
kevin