You're in for a long read...you might want to not bother
So, I took a chill pill(Actually, a diet pill, but a pill nonetheless) and I feel a little better about the current situation. Sure, everyone at home is poor, and my mom uses the social security money meant for Kymm as the money she pays bills with, and all three of us kids tend to just always feel like shit, but hey...uh...we...emm....
I sincerely got nothing, but my mood has drifted back to contentedness for at least the time being, and I feel to some extent insanely happy. Perhaps it is just the way in which I am fucked up, the way that when things suck, I’ll either be really depressed about it or ridiculously happy about how it could be ten times worse...though I doubt it can get worse than rock bottom, I’ve seemed to have convinced myself tonight that it could.
So I drove to work tonight only to find out that they didn’t have me on, so I just picked up my checks and drove over to the grocery store and picked up a couple things, mainly veggies and some new bread because my other bread had been sitting in the fridge for two weeks and was getting all gross.
I realized that I’m horribly disordered when it comes to food in general. Just going into a super market and getting food makes me feel greedy and like I’m being a glutton, even if I do really need it. I look around, but tend to move really quickly because god forbid someone might see me looking at food, and I’m sure my face turns red if someone walks passed me while I’m reading the nutritional facts of something not so good for me, or even something that is good for me. I can’t look anyone in the eye there while shopping or while checking out. It’s like I’m embarrassed to show that I too as a human being need nourishment. I walk through the bakery section faster than other people because I get embarrassed by the thought of anyone assuming that I would stop to look at it, never mind actually buy it.
I get so nervous about this stuff that people normally wouldn’t even care about. I doubt anyone in that super market looked at me and thought that I didn’t deserve to buy my groceries. I doubt anyone even noticed me at all, mostly because I am not their concern and they are busy shopping as well. I’m so worried about my presence, the way I look, taking up too much space, but I’m really not that big. Sure I drift between 158 and 160 a lot of the time, but I’m 5'7" and have a bigger bone structure. I look sick at 145. Most girls I know still look worse than me at 145, and at that weight for me it is obvious to others that I have not been eating. In 9th grade when I was 145 an old teacher from junior high walked by me, stopped, and asked me, “What, did you stop eating.”
Haha.
And wow, now I feel embarrassed about going into this here. Eh, well, chances are that anyone reading this already knows I’m fucked up about food, and weight, and all that shit. Chances are they’ve heard it a million times and think nothing of it.
“Some of the saddest women I know, women who seem particularly prone to fits of sorrow and despair, are the ones whose relationship with their mothers felt somehow compromised or distant or tinged with resentment, who grew up with the feeling that their mothers didn’t really like them.”
I sincerely got nothing, but my mood has drifted back to contentedness for at least the time being, and I feel to some extent insanely happy. Perhaps it is just the way in which I am fucked up, the way that when things suck, I’ll either be really depressed about it or ridiculously happy about how it could be ten times worse...though I doubt it can get worse than rock bottom, I’ve seemed to have convinced myself tonight that it could.
So I drove to work tonight only to find out that they didn’t have me on, so I just picked up my checks and drove over to the grocery store and picked up a couple things, mainly veggies and some new bread because my other bread had been sitting in the fridge for two weeks and was getting all gross.
I realized that I’m horribly disordered when it comes to food in general. Just going into a super market and getting food makes me feel greedy and like I’m being a glutton, even if I do really need it. I look around, but tend to move really quickly because god forbid someone might see me looking at food, and I’m sure my face turns red if someone walks passed me while I’m reading the nutritional facts of something not so good for me, or even something that is good for me. I can’t look anyone in the eye there while shopping or while checking out. It’s like I’m embarrassed to show that I too as a human being need nourishment. I walk through the bakery section faster than other people because I get embarrassed by the thought of anyone assuming that I would stop to look at it, never mind actually buy it.
I get so nervous about this stuff that people normally wouldn’t even care about. I doubt anyone in that super market looked at me and thought that I didn’t deserve to buy my groceries. I doubt anyone even noticed me at all, mostly because I am not their concern and they are busy shopping as well. I’m so worried about my presence, the way I look, taking up too much space, but I’m really not that big. Sure I drift between 158 and 160 a lot of the time, but I’m 5'7" and have a bigger bone structure. I look sick at 145. Most girls I know still look worse than me at 145, and at that weight for me it is obvious to others that I have not been eating. In 9th grade when I was 145 an old teacher from junior high walked by me, stopped, and asked me, “What, did you stop eating.”
Haha.
And wow, now I feel embarrassed about going into this here. Eh, well, chances are that anyone reading this already knows I’m fucked up about food, and weight, and all that shit. Chances are they’ve heard it a million times and think nothing of it.
“Some of the saddest women I know, women who seem particularly prone to fits of sorrow and despair, are the ones whose relationship with their mothers felt somehow compromised or distant or tinged with resentment, who grew up with the feeling that their mothers didn’t really like them.”