How James Potter Wore Lily Evans Down: Chapter Four
Title: How James Potter Wore Lily Evans Down (4/?)
Author: Cristofle (Liz)
Characters: James/Lily in the Marauder era; ensemble friendly for that time. Will include Sirius, Lupin, Wormtail, and Snape among others, including future Death Eaters as well as Order members.
Summary: "She never would have believed a year ago that James Potter could so easily turn her upside down inside." Lily attempts to repair the damage between her and James, only to find out it may be too late.
Spoilers: This chapter has specific spoilers for Deathly Hallows.
Disclaimer: If I owned anything, Dobby would be a LIVING free elf. I own nothing, JKR is queen and owns all things Harry Potter related. I only made up the two girls used to torment poor Lily in this chapter.
Author’s Note: This is the first time I use James’s POV for a small portion of this chapter- hope you enjoy!
Too Little, Too Late
“Mind if I sit here?”
Lily timidly pointed to the seat beside James in Herbology. James looked up and looked stunned for a moment; he looked around and Lily did as well; Peter had been aiming for the seat beside James, but Lily had a sudden surge of affection for Sirius when he saw what Lily was doing and pulled Peter away so fast that Peter nearly fell flat on his face.
James shrugged when he seemingly realized none of his friends would rescue him. “Not at all,” he said politely- polite, not friendly. It had been that way for nearly two weeks, ever since she’d wrongfully ripped him apart about Severus. She’d half expected him to be furious, to make fun of her, to go back to jinxing everyone. When he hadn’t, she felt ashamed and embarrassed at her own arrogant belief that everything revolved around her. His family friends had been murdered- that was bound to change a person more than a silly crush.
Something deep inside her hurt at the idea of simply being a silly crush.
Still, he’d gone from borderline ignoring her to being coolly polite- it had taken this long for her to muster up the courage to sit next to him in the class where the most talking with your partner was allowed. He hadn’t said more than ‘hello’, ‘good night’, ‘please pass the toast’, and ‘thank you’ to her, and she hadn’t had a single clue of how much she would miss his teasing and flirting and attention until it was gone.
“We’re working on Snargaluff stumps today, chaps!” Professor Sprout announced cheerfully. James groaned quietly and she hid a smile; he was talented at Herbology but she knew it wasn’t his favorite thing, being attacked by random plants.
“She says it like it’s such a cheerful thing,” Lily tried to joke. James smiled back, but it was slightly forced.
“Well…” he sighed, putting on a protective pair of goggles and handing her another. “Shall we?”
Lily apprehensively eyed the plant and then nodded. As they had known it would, the seemingly innocent stump jumped to a very violent life as soon as Lily touched it- James had to forcefully grab a branch that attempted to cut her across the face. Gallantly, he’d handled the most violent of the branches and was far more cut up than she was by the time they got the pulsating green pod hidden within the stump- until right when she had gotten it and one broke free and slashed her across the cheek.
“Dammit,” James cursed as soon as she’d gotten free and the stump went back to looking perfectly innocent and lifeless, wincing as she took off the goggles and they scraped the slash. “Are you okay?” he asked, the question seeming to come out of instinctive concern, as he reached up and touched her cheek and wiped off some of the blood. “I was trying to prevent that…” he trailed off as his thumb grazed the smooth skin of her face and he seemed to realize what he was doing, letting his hand fall. “Here,” he muttered, and flicked his wand at her- she felt the wound heal. She was too taken aback at his touch and then stunned at how he abruptly pulled away to respond at first- by the time she’d pulled out her wand to try to return the favor, he’d already healed his own cuts and was trying to open the pod.
“Thanks,” she said softly, sighing inwardly as she put her wand back. As she did, she caught Sirius watching her from two tables away, with something that looked oddly like sympathy.
They worked together in awkward near silence for the rest of the class; it hadn’t gone the way Lily planned at all. Still, her conscience was outweighing her fear and pride, and so she caught up to him as the class ended and he was leaving with the usual gang. “James, can I talk to you for a moment?”
Once again, Sirius melted out of sight as if he’d never been there in the first place. Remus followed suit, this time being the one to yank Pettigrew along with them.
“No one believes in loyalty anymore,” James grumbled, looking after them for a moment. “What’s going on, Evans?” he asked in resignation, turning back to her.
“Could we…?” she motioned him to a bench in the courtyard and he hesitantly followed suit. “I’m sorry,” she said without preamble as they sat down. “I was rude and thoughtless and I misjudged you and I apologize for it.”
“It’s no big deal,” James said calmly and a little dully, looking at his feet.
Lily sighed. “Then why are you still acting like this?” she asked unhappily.
“You wanted me to leave you alone for years; why does it matter?” he bit out, and then hastily reigned in his temper and stared back out at the courtyard.
“That’s not fair,” Lily protested, stung. “I thought we were getting somewhere this term. I thought we were friends.”
“Yeah, well, so did I,” he muttered.
Lily hugged herself uncomfortably and unhappily. She never would have believed a year ago that James Potter could so easily turn her upside down inside. “I think you should’ve told Professor Dumbledore about the curse,” she said at last, voicing something she’d been thinking of. That got James’s attention; he snapped his head up and stared at her in shock. She flushed at his intense gaze. “I mean…I heard you and Sirius got detention for messing around with defensive spells; that doesn’t seem very fair,” she mumbled, looking away. “Sirius didn’t even do anything and you…” she trailed off again. “He could use that spell…” On you again, she wanted to say. “He could really hurt someone; that shouldn’t be allowed.”
Immediately, she wished she’d said what was really on her mind as she looked back up and James’s face fell. “Guess it was too much to hope for that you might be concerned about what he does to me,” James said quietly.
“James…” she said helplessly. She couldn’t remember ever feeling so awkward and unhappy and unsure. “Of course I care if he hurts you.”
“You think I get off on keeping it all between us at this point?” James snapped. “Maybe I used to enjoy getting the first blow or the upper hand in our little dueling before this year, but his curses are getting worse…everything’s getting worse.” She knew he was talking about Voldemort’s violent rise to power that splashed across every single day’s front page. “Regardless, I’ve done it too many times and there’s…too much…” she realized with a start that James was talking about Severus’s unfortunately correct suspicion that Remus was a werewolf- if James had Severus punished, Severus might work harder than he already did at uncovering it for the school to know. “You think I like the fact that my best mate helped take the fall and got a week’s worth of detentions?” he said instead.
Lily pushed her hair off her face. She couldn’t remember ever feeling so miserable, not even when her sister lambasted her for being a freak.
She couldn’t ignore the growing suspicion that this was her fault.
Severus had always known, had warned her that James fancied her. It had been part of his hatred towards James, she knew. And now, after seeing her laughing with him, befriending him, he had taunted James about something unforgivable, leading to the latest showdown. Was her own ignorance up to this point about their war partially to blame? She didn’t want to sound arrogant again, but Severus had looked so furious when he’d seen them…
“What?”
Lily blinked and realized James was staring at her, his curiosity at her distant expression apparently outweighing his resentment.
Lily shook her head unhappily. “I just…I feel like…maybe he wouldn’t have started anything if it hadn’t been for me.”
James sighed, his expression now an odd mixture of understanding, sympathy, and pity. “His undoubted future career choice-” he twisted the words sardonically, no doubt referring to the fact that Severus was a group of people who seemed destined to become Death Eaters “-isn’t your fault or your problem, Lily. At least I can take care of myself- if it wasn’t me, it’d be like Mulciber and Mary or Charity or something.”
Depression settled over Lily like a cloud. She couldn’t exactly deny that that was true.
“We need to get to Charms,” James said at length, picking his bag back up.
“James-” she started to protest. She couldn’t help feeling like they hadn’t gotten anywhere since they sat down. But she’d set out to apologize and that’s what she’d done, she reminded herself. If James didn’t want anything to do with her, he didn’t want anything to do with her.
Still, her face had always been too expressive for her own good, and James clearly saw that she was still unhappy. “It’s okay,” he relented at last. “You’ve seen me start plenty of fights with him. You didn’t know. Don’t worry about it. Come on, we’re going to be late.”
Even though his tone was friendlier than before, even though he walked with her to Charms, Lily still felt the difference, still knew he thought she felt guilty and not truly unhappy that their pleasant flirtatious little bubble had burst, still knew something had changed between them.
And the thought still made her miserable.
“Oh, would you look at that-”
“Shut it.”
“One got an O, the other merely an E-”
“I said shut it, Padfoot.”
“Sometimes there are just so many benefits to being Sirius Black,” Sirius sighed.
Lily hid a smile behind her Ancient Runes textbook as James and Sirius broke out in an impromptu scuffle in the common room. James usually outdid the class in Charms; Sirius hadn’t been able to resist teasing him about getting a better grade on homework. “Boys,” she said dryly as Sirius got James in a headlock. “Settle down.”
“I had Quidditch practice the night I did that,” James grumped, although he and Sirius obligingly quit wrestling. “You try getting an O when your Beater sends a Bludger straight at your own Keeper and almost hits himself in the head with his own bat.”
Lily couldn’t help letting a giggle escape. “How did that happen?” she asked in spite of herself.
Sirius let out a dramatic gasp. “Is Lily Evans actually asking about…dare I say…QUIDDITCH practice?” He pretended to stagger back, his hand over his heart.
“I think she is,” James confided in a low voice to Sirius, looking at her as if she were a new species and stepping back with Sirius. “We should check for Polyjuice Potion.”
Lily huffed, although she was secretly glad James was joking around again. He’d been warmer to her in the week since she’d apologized, but still not entirely back to normal. “See if I go to another Quidditch match.”
“Mary already told me you never miss them,” James said breezily. Lily whirled around to glare at Mary, in a chair halfway across the room. Mary flushed and completely covered her face with her Transfiguration textbook. “He got Confunded, to answer your question,” James added. “He reckoned he could do practice anyway, and he was late so I didn’t see him stumble in and probably fall off his broom five times before he joined us. Alas, he nearly killed us all.”
Lily tried not to giggle again at the mental picture of the team trying to avoid their own Beater gone wild. Just then, Trisha Alexander walked into the common room. Lily’s smile faded a little. Trisha was a seventh year and Lily wouldn’t be sorry to see her go at the end of the term- part of her felt Trisha should be in Slytherin. She was entirely too surprised and annoyed that Lily- a Muggle born- was so good at all her subjects…not to mention had captured the attention of the Quidditch captain. Trisha’s eyes flicked to her and registered the usual dislike.
“Hi, James. Hi, Sirius,” she said breezily to the two boys, choosing to ignore Lily completely. Lily felt a wave of affection for both of them as they glanced sideways at Lily and both merely nodded to the greeting. Trisha’s eyes flashed slightly again, and Lily felt the thrill of foreboding that Trisha was about to go for the kill. “James,” she cooed, and James looked like he’d rather be anywhere other than where he was. “Susan Flannery was talking to me during Potions. She’s so pleased you asked her on a date for the next Hogsmeade trip on Saturday.”
Lily froze, feeling her body slowly turn to ice. The blow had been much harder than she’d expected.
MUCH harder.
Desperately, she tried to school her expression into a calm and uncaring one. Oddly enough, it was Sirius’s eyes she realized were on her before she was able to turn back to her textbook- James was somewhat flushed and looking anywhere but her. He muttered something unintelligible to Trisha, but Trisha’s blow had already landed and she said another breezy good-bye before sweeping up to the dorms.
Sirius flicked his gaze back and forth between James and Lily. “Mary,” he said abruptly to the only other person in the room. Lily didn’t have to turn around- she actually heard Mary jolt at being talked to by her beloved crush. “Have you ever been down to the kitchens?” Mary sputtered a bit. “Come on; the house elves are the most lovely little things, let’s go have an éclair.” And he slipped by James and Lily; Lily heard him escort a still dazed and babbling with happiness Mary from the common room. Suddenly, she and James were alone and the silence was deafening. She tried to smile up at James before returning back to her textbook- she wasn’t sure she succeeded at smiling and she knew she wasn’t seeing a word of what was written on the page.
“I just figured…” James blurted out abruptly and she looked up at him, startled. He looked deeply uncomfortable. “I mean…” he trailed off and shoved his hands in his pockets. “We’re friends now and all…I annoyed you with all that ‘go out with me’ bribing…figured I should knock it off…”
“James,” Lily laughed, although it felt like shards of glass leaving her throat. “You don’t owe me any explanations. Susan’s a lovely girl; I’m sure you’ll have a great time.”
Had she looked up, had she been able to, had she felt like she wasn’t bizarrely near tears, she would have seen the complete misery on James’s face.
“You’re going about this all wrong, Prongs.”
James scowled at Sirius from his spot on his dorm bed. “Did I ask you?”
“Mate, whether you know it or not, you’re screaming for help,” Sirius said dismissively.
James shot him another dark glare. “You told me for YEARS to get over Lily, that she was bossy and a stuck up know it all and I’d be better off with someone- anyone- else.”
“Number one, I partially said that to continually annoy you and you know it,” Sirius returned as if it were the most obvious thing in the world- Remus, on his own bed, covered a laugh with a cough. “And number two, that was LAST year. You’re actually getting somewhere with her this year, and THIS is when you choose to give up? You specky, scrawny little git. Do you not THINK?”
“I THOUGHT I was getting somewhere,” James corrected him coolly. “That was before she ripped me to shreds- figuratively, when I was already literally ripped to shreds and bleeding all over the floor, mind you- before checking to see what happened over her sweet friend Snivellus and then didn’t bother to remember to apologize to me for about two weeks.”
Sirius stared at him as if looking at a hopeless lost cause. “You know SO little about the female species, you are going to die alone at the age of 85 with about 100 cats, like shriveled old maid.” He flicked his wand at the Dungbomb James threw at him and turned it a piece of chewing gum without batting an eye. “She didn’t FORGET to apologize to you, you prat. She was SCARED to.”
“She was really upset that night,” Remus volunteered. “She waited for four hours for me to come down and tell her you were alright.”
James turned around to face him annoyed. “First of all, I don’t remember asking you to give reports on my health and secondly, NOW you tell me this?” Remus merely gave him the long, calm stare that could so often make him feel like an immature five year old child. “Oh, shut up,” James said grumpily, even though he hadn’t said anything, and flopped back down. “Where’s Peter when I need him.”
“To allow you to be thoroughly wrong?” Sirius asked wryly.
“I don’t know when you became such a Lily champion,” James said, annoyed. “You vanish so fast every time she comes near to give us a bit of privacy, one would think you could Disapparate.”
“I can Disapparate.”
“One would think you HAD, then,” James corrected himself, scowling. He could Disapparate as well, but it had taken him a little longer than Sirius and he never liked the reminder. “Remember when you used to pop up every time I was trying to talk to her?”
“I was trying to save you from humiliation in those young, carefree days,” Sirius sighed. “However, my boy is all grown up now- well, still an idiot, but all grown up- and I am trying to HELP you. You don’t want to date Susan Flannery.”
“You don’t know that,” James muttered. Sirius merely gave him a withering look. “I like Susan,” he protested weakly again. Even Remus had put down his book and was eyeing him skeptically. He was suddenly deeply thankful their other dorm mate, Kingsley, was not in the room. Kingsley was a nice bloke, but completely absorbed in his determination to become an Auror and he wasn’t sure he wanted the calm, responsible Kingsley to hear this discussion. “You don’t know what it’s like,” he muttered, staring at the ceiling.
“I don’t know what WHAT is like?” Sirius asked impatiently.
“This!” James snapped, sitting up and glaring at him- Sirius looked a little startled. “I’ve fancied her for ages, and she spent years making me feel about two feet tall, and just when I think she actually finds me a worthwhile human being, she knocks me down for SNAPE of all people. You think any of this is fun for me?” He wanted to explain it better, wanted to explain that Lily had hurt him, hurt him worse than the curse that had cut his chest open had hurt him. Her insults had always stung a little, but he’d been careless enough and she’d been consistent enough in her dislike that it didn’t hit like it did when their newfound friendship had his defenses down- not to mention, in the past a tiny part of them had known he probably deserved them. This time, however, when he hadn’t started the fight, when he’d done his best to change, when he thought she really liked him, had cut much deeper than anything else she’d said to him before. He couldn’t say that to his best mates though; he was embarrassed enough as it was.
Sirius, thankfully, seemed to have been surprised out of his mocking, at least. “James…” he said awkwardly, and James was faintly surprised at the use of his real name. “I just meant…I think this is not the time to give up. You’d be happier with Lily than with Susan.”
“Well, Lily didn’t give a rat’s behind that I asked someone else out, told me she hoped I had a lovely time and went back to her textbook, so I reckon it doesn’t really matter who I’d be happier with. I’m sure no one would be happier than Lily if I got over this stupid crush.”
Even as he stared miserably up at the ceiling again, he was at least thankful Sirius and Remus were thoughtful enough not to point out that what he’d felt for Lily had long since gone beyond a stupid crush.
And you thought James not talking to you was miserable.
Lily didn’t think she’d ever had a more unhappy Hogsmeade trip. She hadn’t wanted to go at all, but her father adored some of the candies from Honeydukes and she’d promised to send some to him in exchange for him sending her some of her favorite Muggle snacks, and then Mary had talked her into going to Three Broomsticks- Alice was meeting Frank there on one of his rare days off from the first year of Auror training and Marlene had detention, so Mary would’ve been alone.
It was taking every ounce of her being not to care that James was sitting and laughing with Susan Flannery.
Lily had always liked Susan previously, but she currently hated every single thing about her, from her gleaming blonde hair to her sparkling blue eyes to her Quidditch knowledge- her older brother had been a prized Seeker- to her stupid giggle. Even as she thought it, she despised herself for being so petty. Susan was a sweet girl who’d never done a single thing to her.
Face it. You’re eaten alive with jealousy.
“Lily!” Lily jumped as Frank addressed her, having come up for air from a long kiss with Alice. “Alice tells me you’ve conjured a corporal Patronus; well done! The dementors are breeding,” he added darkly. “Always a useful skill to have.”
“I’ve only done it the once,” Lily admitted, but smiled at Frank’s kind and honest face nonetheless. She’d always liked Frank.
“It takes practice,” Frank acknowledged. “We could step outside, give it a go? It’s such a useful spell to know; I hate the idea of dementors possibly swarming around here. I wish the school would put more of an emphasis on it.”
“You know DADA teachers,” Alice sighed, leaning her head on Frank’s shoulder. “Our new one doesn’t even pronounce the name properly. It was a laugh when it was happening in class, but depressing when you think about how important it is.”
“Oh, I don’t want to interrupt your date,” Lily said hastily, although she’d like nothing more than to get as far from James and Susan and Susan’s irritating laugh as she possibly could.
“It’s alright!” Alice assured her. “We have the whole day, and Professor Dumbledore is allowing me to stay a little longer just as long as Frank escorts me back to the grounds, and Frank is right- practice for protection against the Dark Arts is important.”
Lily opened her mouth to protest again, saw behind them as James flashed his usual charming smile straight at Susan, and lost her own internal battle. “Alright,” she agreed, standing up with Alice, Frank, and Mary. A petty part of her was satisfied to see James flick his gaze at her as she walked out.
Frank waved at an older man who vaguely resembled a lion as they moved up the street to somewhere a little quieter. “Scrimgeour,” he said in a low voice. “In charge of Hogsmeade today.” He pulled out his wand. “I’ll go first. Remember, the charm needs a really powerful, happy memory behind it, or it’s not going to work no matter how talented you are.” He pointed his wand at the trees. “Expecto Patronum!” A huge, silver and dazzling eagle soared out of his wand and flew into the trees. He smiled as Lily, Mary, and Alice playfully clapped. “Alice, love?” he said, motioning to his girlfriend.
It took Alice two tries, but on the third, a somehow cheerful looking parrot came bounding out of her wand, following Frank’s into the woods. She curtsied to Frank and Lily’s clapping this time. Mary held up her hands before Alice could ask- Mary was open about being nowhere near ready for the Patronus Charm yet. “Lily?” Alice said, motioning her friend forward.
It took Lily longer than Alice…longer for Frank’s words to finally seep into her brain, longer for what she’d seen Frank and Alice to do to register. Finally, in one dreamy moment, it all clicked.
A happy, powerful memory.
Frank and Alice, so in love, both have birds.
Her only successful Patronus was performed while thinking of…
As if she’d known all along what she was supposed to be doing, Lily closed her eyes, cleared her mind of all recent memories, and focused on the image she’d been so dazzled by- James, smiling, looking at her, and then reaching his hand out to his own Patronus.
“Expecto Patronum!”
One again, the beautiful silver doe came flying out of her wand, prancing in a circle around an impressed Frank and admiring Alice and Mary. Even Scrimgeour, watching from afar, gave her Patronus an approving nod.
“Well done, Lily!” Frank said, delighted, as her doe shimmered away. “Well done, indeed! Very strong Patronus, should be enough to ward several dementors away- Lily?” he frowned as he realized she was upset. “What’s wrong?”
Lily, dazed by her own thoughts and emotions, attempted to pull it together for Frank. He was so sweet and had taken so much time out of his rare days off to spend with his girlfriend, had been so patient in trying to make sure she was protected against dementors, that she didn’t want to make it seem like she was ungrateful. “Nothing! Nothing, it’s just…wow, it’s so cold out here. Frank, thank you so much for the practice, I…” she swallowed hard. “I feel like it clicked this time.” She walked up and gave him a quick hug. “I’m going to go back to Three Broomsticks- it’s freezing and I need to use the girls’ room.”
Perhaps Mary and Alice understood better than Frank what was going on, because they just smiled and nodded and let her go. She determinedly avoided James’s eyes and gave his table a wide berth as she slipped back in and headed straight for the restrooms. She quickly locked herself inside a stall in the blessedly quiet restroom and leaned her head against the cool metal wall.
Too late, all too late, she understood. It was James that made the Patronus work for her. James, whose seemingly empty and annoying crush had become flattering, then important, than entirely mutual over the past several months. James, who had been within easy reach for five years and now, when she finally understood, was out there on a date with another girl. The stag and the doe- it was supposed to be like that, and she didn’t understand until it was too late.
Finally, she leaned forward and let her head fall against her hands with her elbows braced on her knees, and allowed herself to cry.
Author: Cristofle (Liz)
Characters: James/Lily in the Marauder era; ensemble friendly for that time. Will include Sirius, Lupin, Wormtail, and Snape among others, including future Death Eaters as well as Order members.
Summary: "She never would have believed a year ago that James Potter could so easily turn her upside down inside." Lily attempts to repair the damage between her and James, only to find out it may be too late.
Spoilers: This chapter has specific spoilers for Deathly Hallows.
Disclaimer: If I owned anything, Dobby would be a LIVING free elf. I own nothing, JKR is queen and owns all things Harry Potter related. I only made up the two girls used to torment poor Lily in this chapter.
Author’s Note: This is the first time I use James’s POV for a small portion of this chapter- hope you enjoy!
Too Little, Too Late
“Mind if I sit here?”
Lily timidly pointed to the seat beside James in Herbology. James looked up and looked stunned for a moment; he looked around and Lily did as well; Peter had been aiming for the seat beside James, but Lily had a sudden surge of affection for Sirius when he saw what Lily was doing and pulled Peter away so fast that Peter nearly fell flat on his face.
James shrugged when he seemingly realized none of his friends would rescue him. “Not at all,” he said politely- polite, not friendly. It had been that way for nearly two weeks, ever since she’d wrongfully ripped him apart about Severus. She’d half expected him to be furious, to make fun of her, to go back to jinxing everyone. When he hadn’t, she felt ashamed and embarrassed at her own arrogant belief that everything revolved around her. His family friends had been murdered- that was bound to change a person more than a silly crush.
Something deep inside her hurt at the idea of simply being a silly crush.
Still, he’d gone from borderline ignoring her to being coolly polite- it had taken this long for her to muster up the courage to sit next to him in the class where the most talking with your partner was allowed. He hadn’t said more than ‘hello’, ‘good night’, ‘please pass the toast’, and ‘thank you’ to her, and she hadn’t had a single clue of how much she would miss his teasing and flirting and attention until it was gone.
“We’re working on Snargaluff stumps today, chaps!” Professor Sprout announced cheerfully. James groaned quietly and she hid a smile; he was talented at Herbology but she knew it wasn’t his favorite thing, being attacked by random plants.
“She says it like it’s such a cheerful thing,” Lily tried to joke. James smiled back, but it was slightly forced.
“Well…” he sighed, putting on a protective pair of goggles and handing her another. “Shall we?”
Lily apprehensively eyed the plant and then nodded. As they had known it would, the seemingly innocent stump jumped to a very violent life as soon as Lily touched it- James had to forcefully grab a branch that attempted to cut her across the face. Gallantly, he’d handled the most violent of the branches and was far more cut up than she was by the time they got the pulsating green pod hidden within the stump- until right when she had gotten it and one broke free and slashed her across the cheek.
“Dammit,” James cursed as soon as she’d gotten free and the stump went back to looking perfectly innocent and lifeless, wincing as she took off the goggles and they scraped the slash. “Are you okay?” he asked, the question seeming to come out of instinctive concern, as he reached up and touched her cheek and wiped off some of the blood. “I was trying to prevent that…” he trailed off as his thumb grazed the smooth skin of her face and he seemed to realize what he was doing, letting his hand fall. “Here,” he muttered, and flicked his wand at her- she felt the wound heal. She was too taken aback at his touch and then stunned at how he abruptly pulled away to respond at first- by the time she’d pulled out her wand to try to return the favor, he’d already healed his own cuts and was trying to open the pod.
“Thanks,” she said softly, sighing inwardly as she put her wand back. As she did, she caught Sirius watching her from two tables away, with something that looked oddly like sympathy.
They worked together in awkward near silence for the rest of the class; it hadn’t gone the way Lily planned at all. Still, her conscience was outweighing her fear and pride, and so she caught up to him as the class ended and he was leaving with the usual gang. “James, can I talk to you for a moment?”
Once again, Sirius melted out of sight as if he’d never been there in the first place. Remus followed suit, this time being the one to yank Pettigrew along with them.
“No one believes in loyalty anymore,” James grumbled, looking after them for a moment. “What’s going on, Evans?” he asked in resignation, turning back to her.
“Could we…?” she motioned him to a bench in the courtyard and he hesitantly followed suit. “I’m sorry,” she said without preamble as they sat down. “I was rude and thoughtless and I misjudged you and I apologize for it.”
“It’s no big deal,” James said calmly and a little dully, looking at his feet.
Lily sighed. “Then why are you still acting like this?” she asked unhappily.
“You wanted me to leave you alone for years; why does it matter?” he bit out, and then hastily reigned in his temper and stared back out at the courtyard.
“That’s not fair,” Lily protested, stung. “I thought we were getting somewhere this term. I thought we were friends.”
“Yeah, well, so did I,” he muttered.
Lily hugged herself uncomfortably and unhappily. She never would have believed a year ago that James Potter could so easily turn her upside down inside. “I think you should’ve told Professor Dumbledore about the curse,” she said at last, voicing something she’d been thinking of. That got James’s attention; he snapped his head up and stared at her in shock. She flushed at his intense gaze. “I mean…I heard you and Sirius got detention for messing around with defensive spells; that doesn’t seem very fair,” she mumbled, looking away. “Sirius didn’t even do anything and you…” she trailed off again. “He could use that spell…” On you again, she wanted to say. “He could really hurt someone; that shouldn’t be allowed.”
Immediately, she wished she’d said what was really on her mind as she looked back up and James’s face fell. “Guess it was too much to hope for that you might be concerned about what he does to me,” James said quietly.
“James…” she said helplessly. She couldn’t remember ever feeling so awkward and unhappy and unsure. “Of course I care if he hurts you.”
“You think I get off on keeping it all between us at this point?” James snapped. “Maybe I used to enjoy getting the first blow or the upper hand in our little dueling before this year, but his curses are getting worse…everything’s getting worse.” She knew he was talking about Voldemort’s violent rise to power that splashed across every single day’s front page. “Regardless, I’ve done it too many times and there’s…too much…” she realized with a start that James was talking about Severus’s unfortunately correct suspicion that Remus was a werewolf- if James had Severus punished, Severus might work harder than he already did at uncovering it for the school to know. “You think I like the fact that my best mate helped take the fall and got a week’s worth of detentions?” he said instead.
Lily pushed her hair off her face. She couldn’t remember ever feeling so miserable, not even when her sister lambasted her for being a freak.
She couldn’t ignore the growing suspicion that this was her fault.
Severus had always known, had warned her that James fancied her. It had been part of his hatred towards James, she knew. And now, after seeing her laughing with him, befriending him, he had taunted James about something unforgivable, leading to the latest showdown. Was her own ignorance up to this point about their war partially to blame? She didn’t want to sound arrogant again, but Severus had looked so furious when he’d seen them…
“What?”
Lily blinked and realized James was staring at her, his curiosity at her distant expression apparently outweighing his resentment.
Lily shook her head unhappily. “I just…I feel like…maybe he wouldn’t have started anything if it hadn’t been for me.”
James sighed, his expression now an odd mixture of understanding, sympathy, and pity. “His undoubted future career choice-” he twisted the words sardonically, no doubt referring to the fact that Severus was a group of people who seemed destined to become Death Eaters “-isn’t your fault or your problem, Lily. At least I can take care of myself- if it wasn’t me, it’d be like Mulciber and Mary or Charity or something.”
Depression settled over Lily like a cloud. She couldn’t exactly deny that that was true.
“We need to get to Charms,” James said at length, picking his bag back up.
“James-” she started to protest. She couldn’t help feeling like they hadn’t gotten anywhere since they sat down. But she’d set out to apologize and that’s what she’d done, she reminded herself. If James didn’t want anything to do with her, he didn’t want anything to do with her.
Still, her face had always been too expressive for her own good, and James clearly saw that she was still unhappy. “It’s okay,” he relented at last. “You’ve seen me start plenty of fights with him. You didn’t know. Don’t worry about it. Come on, we’re going to be late.”
Even though his tone was friendlier than before, even though he walked with her to Charms, Lily still felt the difference, still knew he thought she felt guilty and not truly unhappy that their pleasant flirtatious little bubble had burst, still knew something had changed between them.
And the thought still made her miserable.
“Oh, would you look at that-”
“Shut it.”
“One got an O, the other merely an E-”
“I said shut it, Padfoot.”
“Sometimes there are just so many benefits to being Sirius Black,” Sirius sighed.
Lily hid a smile behind her Ancient Runes textbook as James and Sirius broke out in an impromptu scuffle in the common room. James usually outdid the class in Charms; Sirius hadn’t been able to resist teasing him about getting a better grade on homework. “Boys,” she said dryly as Sirius got James in a headlock. “Settle down.”
“I had Quidditch practice the night I did that,” James grumped, although he and Sirius obligingly quit wrestling. “You try getting an O when your Beater sends a Bludger straight at your own Keeper and almost hits himself in the head with his own bat.”
Lily couldn’t help letting a giggle escape. “How did that happen?” she asked in spite of herself.
Sirius let out a dramatic gasp. “Is Lily Evans actually asking about…dare I say…QUIDDITCH practice?” He pretended to stagger back, his hand over his heart.
“I think she is,” James confided in a low voice to Sirius, looking at her as if she were a new species and stepping back with Sirius. “We should check for Polyjuice Potion.”
Lily huffed, although she was secretly glad James was joking around again. He’d been warmer to her in the week since she’d apologized, but still not entirely back to normal. “See if I go to another Quidditch match.”
“Mary already told me you never miss them,” James said breezily. Lily whirled around to glare at Mary, in a chair halfway across the room. Mary flushed and completely covered her face with her Transfiguration textbook. “He got Confunded, to answer your question,” James added. “He reckoned he could do practice anyway, and he was late so I didn’t see him stumble in and probably fall off his broom five times before he joined us. Alas, he nearly killed us all.”
Lily tried not to giggle again at the mental picture of the team trying to avoid their own Beater gone wild. Just then, Trisha Alexander walked into the common room. Lily’s smile faded a little. Trisha was a seventh year and Lily wouldn’t be sorry to see her go at the end of the term- part of her felt Trisha should be in Slytherin. She was entirely too surprised and annoyed that Lily- a Muggle born- was so good at all her subjects…not to mention had captured the attention of the Quidditch captain. Trisha’s eyes flicked to her and registered the usual dislike.
“Hi, James. Hi, Sirius,” she said breezily to the two boys, choosing to ignore Lily completely. Lily felt a wave of affection for both of them as they glanced sideways at Lily and both merely nodded to the greeting. Trisha’s eyes flashed slightly again, and Lily felt the thrill of foreboding that Trisha was about to go for the kill. “James,” she cooed, and James looked like he’d rather be anywhere other than where he was. “Susan Flannery was talking to me during Potions. She’s so pleased you asked her on a date for the next Hogsmeade trip on Saturday.”
Lily froze, feeling her body slowly turn to ice. The blow had been much harder than she’d expected.
MUCH harder.
Desperately, she tried to school her expression into a calm and uncaring one. Oddly enough, it was Sirius’s eyes she realized were on her before she was able to turn back to her textbook- James was somewhat flushed and looking anywhere but her. He muttered something unintelligible to Trisha, but Trisha’s blow had already landed and she said another breezy good-bye before sweeping up to the dorms.
Sirius flicked his gaze back and forth between James and Lily. “Mary,” he said abruptly to the only other person in the room. Lily didn’t have to turn around- she actually heard Mary jolt at being talked to by her beloved crush. “Have you ever been down to the kitchens?” Mary sputtered a bit. “Come on; the house elves are the most lovely little things, let’s go have an éclair.” And he slipped by James and Lily; Lily heard him escort a still dazed and babbling with happiness Mary from the common room. Suddenly, she and James were alone and the silence was deafening. She tried to smile up at James before returning back to her textbook- she wasn’t sure she succeeded at smiling and she knew she wasn’t seeing a word of what was written on the page.
“I just figured…” James blurted out abruptly and she looked up at him, startled. He looked deeply uncomfortable. “I mean…” he trailed off and shoved his hands in his pockets. “We’re friends now and all…I annoyed you with all that ‘go out with me’ bribing…figured I should knock it off…”
“James,” Lily laughed, although it felt like shards of glass leaving her throat. “You don’t owe me any explanations. Susan’s a lovely girl; I’m sure you’ll have a great time.”
Had she looked up, had she been able to, had she felt like she wasn’t bizarrely near tears, she would have seen the complete misery on James’s face.
“You’re going about this all wrong, Prongs.”
James scowled at Sirius from his spot on his dorm bed. “Did I ask you?”
“Mate, whether you know it or not, you’re screaming for help,” Sirius said dismissively.
James shot him another dark glare. “You told me for YEARS to get over Lily, that she was bossy and a stuck up know it all and I’d be better off with someone- anyone- else.”
“Number one, I partially said that to continually annoy you and you know it,” Sirius returned as if it were the most obvious thing in the world- Remus, on his own bed, covered a laugh with a cough. “And number two, that was LAST year. You’re actually getting somewhere with her this year, and THIS is when you choose to give up? You specky, scrawny little git. Do you not THINK?”
“I THOUGHT I was getting somewhere,” James corrected him coolly. “That was before she ripped me to shreds- figuratively, when I was already literally ripped to shreds and bleeding all over the floor, mind you- before checking to see what happened over her sweet friend Snivellus and then didn’t bother to remember to apologize to me for about two weeks.”
Sirius stared at him as if looking at a hopeless lost cause. “You know SO little about the female species, you are going to die alone at the age of 85 with about 100 cats, like shriveled old maid.” He flicked his wand at the Dungbomb James threw at him and turned it a piece of chewing gum without batting an eye. “She didn’t FORGET to apologize to you, you prat. She was SCARED to.”
“She was really upset that night,” Remus volunteered. “She waited for four hours for me to come down and tell her you were alright.”
James turned around to face him annoyed. “First of all, I don’t remember asking you to give reports on my health and secondly, NOW you tell me this?” Remus merely gave him the long, calm stare that could so often make him feel like an immature five year old child. “Oh, shut up,” James said grumpily, even though he hadn’t said anything, and flopped back down. “Where’s Peter when I need him.”
“To allow you to be thoroughly wrong?” Sirius asked wryly.
“I don’t know when you became such a Lily champion,” James said, annoyed. “You vanish so fast every time she comes near to give us a bit of privacy, one would think you could Disapparate.”
“I can Disapparate.”
“One would think you HAD, then,” James corrected himself, scowling. He could Disapparate as well, but it had taken him a little longer than Sirius and he never liked the reminder. “Remember when you used to pop up every time I was trying to talk to her?”
“I was trying to save you from humiliation in those young, carefree days,” Sirius sighed. “However, my boy is all grown up now- well, still an idiot, but all grown up- and I am trying to HELP you. You don’t want to date Susan Flannery.”
“You don’t know that,” James muttered. Sirius merely gave him a withering look. “I like Susan,” he protested weakly again. Even Remus had put down his book and was eyeing him skeptically. He was suddenly deeply thankful their other dorm mate, Kingsley, was not in the room. Kingsley was a nice bloke, but completely absorbed in his determination to become an Auror and he wasn’t sure he wanted the calm, responsible Kingsley to hear this discussion. “You don’t know what it’s like,” he muttered, staring at the ceiling.
“I don’t know what WHAT is like?” Sirius asked impatiently.
“This!” James snapped, sitting up and glaring at him- Sirius looked a little startled. “I’ve fancied her for ages, and she spent years making me feel about two feet tall, and just when I think she actually finds me a worthwhile human being, she knocks me down for SNAPE of all people. You think any of this is fun for me?” He wanted to explain it better, wanted to explain that Lily had hurt him, hurt him worse than the curse that had cut his chest open had hurt him. Her insults had always stung a little, but he’d been careless enough and she’d been consistent enough in her dislike that it didn’t hit like it did when their newfound friendship had his defenses down- not to mention, in the past a tiny part of them had known he probably deserved them. This time, however, when he hadn’t started the fight, when he’d done his best to change, when he thought she really liked him, had cut much deeper than anything else she’d said to him before. He couldn’t say that to his best mates though; he was embarrassed enough as it was.
Sirius, thankfully, seemed to have been surprised out of his mocking, at least. “James…” he said awkwardly, and James was faintly surprised at the use of his real name. “I just meant…I think this is not the time to give up. You’d be happier with Lily than with Susan.”
“Well, Lily didn’t give a rat’s behind that I asked someone else out, told me she hoped I had a lovely time and went back to her textbook, so I reckon it doesn’t really matter who I’d be happier with. I’m sure no one would be happier than Lily if I got over this stupid crush.”
Even as he stared miserably up at the ceiling again, he was at least thankful Sirius and Remus were thoughtful enough not to point out that what he’d felt for Lily had long since gone beyond a stupid crush.
And you thought James not talking to you was miserable.
Lily didn’t think she’d ever had a more unhappy Hogsmeade trip. She hadn’t wanted to go at all, but her father adored some of the candies from Honeydukes and she’d promised to send some to him in exchange for him sending her some of her favorite Muggle snacks, and then Mary had talked her into going to Three Broomsticks- Alice was meeting Frank there on one of his rare days off from the first year of Auror training and Marlene had detention, so Mary would’ve been alone.
It was taking every ounce of her being not to care that James was sitting and laughing with Susan Flannery.
Lily had always liked Susan previously, but she currently hated every single thing about her, from her gleaming blonde hair to her sparkling blue eyes to her Quidditch knowledge- her older brother had been a prized Seeker- to her stupid giggle. Even as she thought it, she despised herself for being so petty. Susan was a sweet girl who’d never done a single thing to her.
Face it. You’re eaten alive with jealousy.
“Lily!” Lily jumped as Frank addressed her, having come up for air from a long kiss with Alice. “Alice tells me you’ve conjured a corporal Patronus; well done! The dementors are breeding,” he added darkly. “Always a useful skill to have.”
“I’ve only done it the once,” Lily admitted, but smiled at Frank’s kind and honest face nonetheless. She’d always liked Frank.
“It takes practice,” Frank acknowledged. “We could step outside, give it a go? It’s such a useful spell to know; I hate the idea of dementors possibly swarming around here. I wish the school would put more of an emphasis on it.”
“You know DADA teachers,” Alice sighed, leaning her head on Frank’s shoulder. “Our new one doesn’t even pronounce the name properly. It was a laugh when it was happening in class, but depressing when you think about how important it is.”
“Oh, I don’t want to interrupt your date,” Lily said hastily, although she’d like nothing more than to get as far from James and Susan and Susan’s irritating laugh as she possibly could.
“It’s alright!” Alice assured her. “We have the whole day, and Professor Dumbledore is allowing me to stay a little longer just as long as Frank escorts me back to the grounds, and Frank is right- practice for protection against the Dark Arts is important.”
Lily opened her mouth to protest again, saw behind them as James flashed his usual charming smile straight at Susan, and lost her own internal battle. “Alright,” she agreed, standing up with Alice, Frank, and Mary. A petty part of her was satisfied to see James flick his gaze at her as she walked out.
Frank waved at an older man who vaguely resembled a lion as they moved up the street to somewhere a little quieter. “Scrimgeour,” he said in a low voice. “In charge of Hogsmeade today.” He pulled out his wand. “I’ll go first. Remember, the charm needs a really powerful, happy memory behind it, or it’s not going to work no matter how talented you are.” He pointed his wand at the trees. “Expecto Patronum!” A huge, silver and dazzling eagle soared out of his wand and flew into the trees. He smiled as Lily, Mary, and Alice playfully clapped. “Alice, love?” he said, motioning to his girlfriend.
It took Alice two tries, but on the third, a somehow cheerful looking parrot came bounding out of her wand, following Frank’s into the woods. She curtsied to Frank and Lily’s clapping this time. Mary held up her hands before Alice could ask- Mary was open about being nowhere near ready for the Patronus Charm yet. “Lily?” Alice said, motioning her friend forward.
It took Lily longer than Alice…longer for Frank’s words to finally seep into her brain, longer for what she’d seen Frank and Alice to do to register. Finally, in one dreamy moment, it all clicked.
A happy, powerful memory.
Frank and Alice, so in love, both have birds.
Her only successful Patronus was performed while thinking of…
As if she’d known all along what she was supposed to be doing, Lily closed her eyes, cleared her mind of all recent memories, and focused on the image she’d been so dazzled by- James, smiling, looking at her, and then reaching his hand out to his own Patronus.
“Expecto Patronum!”
One again, the beautiful silver doe came flying out of her wand, prancing in a circle around an impressed Frank and admiring Alice and Mary. Even Scrimgeour, watching from afar, gave her Patronus an approving nod.
“Well done, Lily!” Frank said, delighted, as her doe shimmered away. “Well done, indeed! Very strong Patronus, should be enough to ward several dementors away- Lily?” he frowned as he realized she was upset. “What’s wrong?”
Lily, dazed by her own thoughts and emotions, attempted to pull it together for Frank. He was so sweet and had taken so much time out of his rare days off to spend with his girlfriend, had been so patient in trying to make sure she was protected against dementors, that she didn’t want to make it seem like she was ungrateful. “Nothing! Nothing, it’s just…wow, it’s so cold out here. Frank, thank you so much for the practice, I…” she swallowed hard. “I feel like it clicked this time.” She walked up and gave him a quick hug. “I’m going to go back to Three Broomsticks- it’s freezing and I need to use the girls’ room.”
Perhaps Mary and Alice understood better than Frank what was going on, because they just smiled and nodded and let her go. She determinedly avoided James’s eyes and gave his table a wide berth as she slipped back in and headed straight for the restrooms. She quickly locked herself inside a stall in the blessedly quiet restroom and leaned her head against the cool metal wall.
Too late, all too late, she understood. It was James that made the Patronus work for her. James, whose seemingly empty and annoying crush had become flattering, then important, than entirely mutual over the past several months. James, who had been within easy reach for five years and now, when she finally understood, was out there on a date with another girl. The stag and the doe- it was supposed to be like that, and she didn’t understand until it was too late.
Finally, she leaned forward and let her head fall against her hands with her elbows braced on her knees, and allowed herself to cry.