(no subject)
i dunno i just don't understand things. i'm not saying im stupid but really. i'm so confused as to why my parents have to be involved with everything.
- aren't they suppose to teach me things?
- why wouldn't they just let me make mistakes on my own then?
- why wont they let me do things and learn for myself?
- don't they think that pushing things away that i want is just gunna make me want them more?
- how come whatever i do, i lose?
- how come it's always cristina's fault?
- am i that bad?
- why do they have to be involved?
agh. sigh. i just wish i could be able to do what i thought was right-even if it wasn't. i'd learn wouldn't i? i wanna make my own decisions. i might not be 18 but i am old enough to do that- i think. agh. i miss him so much. i just wanna be able to hangout. i guess i blew things way out of porportion last night. my mom was letting me see him. but it just bothered me so much that he wasn't allowed to just come over. we had to go somewhere. is it so horrible that i just wanna cuddle-like we used to?
i went completely spycho yesterday. i can not handle this anymore. no one ever knows how i feel. and i guess i can't explain some things that i do. i'm sorry if it hurts him. i just don't know how to deal with everything. wow this seems like i'm some depressed kid. i'm really not. i just wanna be happy again.
everyone makes mistakes guys. remember that. and whatever happens, do everything in your ability to keep it from your parents. they'll ruin your life if they're anything like my parents. if it were up to me, i'd see him whenever i wanted. i've learned to deal with his mistake. i've moved on. now im ready to have another relationship with him. he means that much. i know it seems like i have no respect for myself, but i really truely do love him and love is a strange thing. it'll make you do anything. there aren't even words to describe my feelings towards him. but, no one will understand that. EVER.
i thought i'd finally found someone that i could relate to and talk about things with. but i guess i was wrong.i'm just stuck alone again. i know i have him, but it's not the same as it was before. talking through a phone is a million times different than talking face to face. i honestly don't mean to complain, but i can't keep things in anymore.
to be honest, i think i ran away after 4 months. i started to act like i didn't care, hoping that in time, i wouldn't. but i 'll never not care. i can't control my feelings. i wish i could. but i can't. when he was telling me i was hurting him, and i didn't care, i almost wanted him to be so mad at me, that he'd move on. that way- i'd be forced to. i just can't handle this anymore. going out doesn't make me happy at all. hanging out with people that barely know me is not something i call fun. i'd much rather just hangout with him. but that's just not possible anymore. should we just accept that it's not ever gunna be the same, that he ruined everything and it really is time to let everything go? i just don't know. i dunno what i'm gunna do.
i miss him so much. no one cares. no one understands. i wanna run away with him. forever. i don't care about anyone else. i just need him.
Lately I've been thinking so strangely about the clouds
and how they seem to slowly fade away
Maybe some day we will find a way to disappear.
Just me and you on silver lining dreams.
sigh. what now?