(no subject)
Well, it's that time again. Time to start on this journey of getting healthy again. Just when I got used to running on the trail by my apartment in winston-salem, I moved, and now don't have a trail to run on close to my apartment. I suppose I could run around the grounds - the complex is on something like 20 acres - but I don't want to.. I have something against that. I like my trails.. I like the seclusion of it. Whenever I ran on the trail in Winston, I'd maybe see 1 or 2 other people. Never more than 3. Either way, I know I'm making excuses, and I really just need to get my butt out the door and work out for a little while, but 1. it's winter and I'll get sick if I run outside in the cold, and 2. I'm just not going to do it right now. I remember passing a park with trails one of my frist few trips to concord, but for the life of me, I can't remember where it was. I'd know it if I pass it again.. but I have no idea where it is.
Anyway, one step at a time, right? Yesterday, I walked around the mall for about an hour to an hour and a half. That's better than my typical watch tv for 12 hours type of day. Today, I want to do more, I get FitTV which is the greatest thing on, they almost always have a fun workout program going on, or yoga. Discovery Health and some other channels are putting on exercise programs in the morning, but I don't wake up early enough for them.. and I have DVR. lol I have no reasons not to, just a lot of excuses. I wish I had a running buddy. Someone to be accountable to. Really accountable, not just saying we would be and then we don't.
Theres a few parts of this that are the hardest for me. It's changing the relationship I have with food first of all. It's something that I can do as an activity, and I grew up enjoying eating. So, that has carried on into my adulthood. When I was younger I would say I was always hungry. What I thought was "hunger" wasn't. It was bordom, sadness, happiness, really any emotion at all. I enjoy just the act of eating for some reason. I'm really not sure why. I have something in my personality that makes it so hard to start something, but once I start it, I don't want to end or stop whatever it is that I'm doing. That makes it hard for me to get out of bed in the morning, start working out, get in the shower, stop eating, stop working out, get out of the shower.. Once I start something, I don't like to stop. Is this something that happens to other people? It's hard for me to leave my apartment because of this too. It used to happen to me with photography too.. when I would be shooting a wedding, it would take me a little while to get in the "mood" or "mode" of shooting. I don't know if I exactly understand it. Maybe it's part of the self-proclaimed A.D.D. that I have.. or maybe it's the opposite? But, when I clean, it takes me forever because I find things that I hadn't seen in so long and I like to look through them, until I get bored with it and find something else.
I think this starts to explain my strange relationship with food. It is the most basic necessity, and I think for the time in which I grew up, it was more than just nutrition. So if it was more than just necessity, what was it? Was it replacing something that I was missing? Even as young as 4 or 5 I remember just enjoying eating. I'm a natural grazer, I would eat all day, and never be hungry because of how much I was eating. I would say I was hungry, but I never was. I just wanted to eat. It doesn't make sense that food was replacing anything in my life, I had a good and supportive family, I had a sister who was my friend, and I had other friends as well. So, what was the reason for my constant eating? Did I develop some kind of borderline eating disorder at an extremely young age? Was it watching my mom go through the struggle of weight problems that lead me to what I am today? That, I'm pretty sure of. I'm not putting blame on my mom at all. I wouldn't do that. But, did her struggle lead me to overeat so badly at such a young age? I know once I got older, food was a replacement for a fragmented family. That part is absurdly clear. But what about before all that? I just always remember eating.. and now I wonder. If I didn't eat as much when I was younger, would I be what I am today? Would I somehow be more successful or more driven? Would I look differently? Would I not have the 20 extra pounds on me that I do? One of my biggest fears is - in 20 or so years - ending up looking like my mom. Why should that scare me? Because it seems as though she's not as happy as she could be.. leading a sedentary lifestyle, not having tons of friends.. I am a firm believer in that your happiness and productivity is in direct relation to your social life.
Add all this to my somewhat depression I've gotten into after graduating college, and things just aren't looking up. This is a journey for me. I need a goal, I need a project. I just wish I could get graded on it, then maybe I'd do better to stick to it. It's one of the hardest things to do right now.. changing my lifestyle and getting rid of the 20 or so pounds that have plagued me since high school. I think if I figure out why I have always been a grazer, and switch my thoughts of food from comfort to nutrition, that will help incredibly. I remember when I was suceeding so much in weight watchers, my sister wasn't going as much with me, but I was still going, and the women were all so supportive, and I was feeling so great. I had lost about 12 lbs, and was so close to my first 10% goal. I remember wearing a skirt. Something I never did or do. I felt so healthy, so thin, and just good. I loved that feeling. If I could get back that time in my life, I would stay on program and not lose my motivation and my vision of what I wanted. What is my ultimate goal? It used to be to have thin thighs, since they've always been big. Well, now it's being able to wear all my clothes in my closet and have them look great on me. Not only that, but be able wear thigh-high boots and also be able to wear a skirt and have it look fantastic. Also, be able to walk into any store and be able to wear their jeans without a problem. I always want to shop at Abercrombie and Fitch, but I've never been thin enough to get their jeans, and they're always expensive. The only thing about losing weight that kind of worries me is what Kelly would say. I know he loves me no matter what, or what size I am.. but I know that for the "bigger" end.. what about the smaller end? What happens if I lose 30 lbs and I'm suddenly a size 4 instead of 10? I never want to look like a model.. especially the really skinny ones. I always want to have muscle, and I always want to have substance. I'm just sick of how big my thighs are! lol Besides my thighs, I hate that my hips are only 21 inches less than how tall I am.
All of this means I need to do an overhaul on my lifestyle. Moving more, eating less. Eating healthier, making more of myself. Looking to God for help, and not thinking I can do it all myself. I hadn't thought of that before, and now that I realize it, I don't know how I didn't see this in the first place! Temptation is all around me, in the food sense and in all other senses. Am I ready to give it up? I mean temptation in the food sense. I'd like to think I am.. but day one is always the easiest. It only gets harder from here, but next year, when it's all gone, I'll look back and say it was all worth it. :)
Anyway, one step at a time, right? Yesterday, I walked around the mall for about an hour to an hour and a half. That's better than my typical watch tv for 12 hours type of day. Today, I want to do more, I get FitTV which is the greatest thing on, they almost always have a fun workout program going on, or yoga. Discovery Health and some other channels are putting on exercise programs in the morning, but I don't wake up early enough for them.. and I have DVR. lol I have no reasons not to, just a lot of excuses. I wish I had a running buddy. Someone to be accountable to. Really accountable, not just saying we would be and then we don't.
Theres a few parts of this that are the hardest for me. It's changing the relationship I have with food first of all. It's something that I can do as an activity, and I grew up enjoying eating. So, that has carried on into my adulthood. When I was younger I would say I was always hungry. What I thought was "hunger" wasn't. It was bordom, sadness, happiness, really any emotion at all. I enjoy just the act of eating for some reason. I'm really not sure why. I have something in my personality that makes it so hard to start something, but once I start it, I don't want to end or stop whatever it is that I'm doing. That makes it hard for me to get out of bed in the morning, start working out, get in the shower, stop eating, stop working out, get out of the shower.. Once I start something, I don't like to stop. Is this something that happens to other people? It's hard for me to leave my apartment because of this too. It used to happen to me with photography too.. when I would be shooting a wedding, it would take me a little while to get in the "mood" or "mode" of shooting. I don't know if I exactly understand it. Maybe it's part of the self-proclaimed A.D.D. that I have.. or maybe it's the opposite? But, when I clean, it takes me forever because I find things that I hadn't seen in so long and I like to look through them, until I get bored with it and find something else.
I think this starts to explain my strange relationship with food. It is the most basic necessity, and I think for the time in which I grew up, it was more than just nutrition. So if it was more than just necessity, what was it? Was it replacing something that I was missing? Even as young as 4 or 5 I remember just enjoying eating. I'm a natural grazer, I would eat all day, and never be hungry because of how much I was eating. I would say I was hungry, but I never was. I just wanted to eat. It doesn't make sense that food was replacing anything in my life, I had a good and supportive family, I had a sister who was my friend, and I had other friends as well. So, what was the reason for my constant eating? Did I develop some kind of borderline eating disorder at an extremely young age? Was it watching my mom go through the struggle of weight problems that lead me to what I am today? That, I'm pretty sure of. I'm not putting blame on my mom at all. I wouldn't do that. But, did her struggle lead me to overeat so badly at such a young age? I know once I got older, food was a replacement for a fragmented family. That part is absurdly clear. But what about before all that? I just always remember eating.. and now I wonder. If I didn't eat as much when I was younger, would I be what I am today? Would I somehow be more successful or more driven? Would I look differently? Would I not have the 20 extra pounds on me that I do? One of my biggest fears is - in 20 or so years - ending up looking like my mom. Why should that scare me? Because it seems as though she's not as happy as she could be.. leading a sedentary lifestyle, not having tons of friends.. I am a firm believer in that your happiness and productivity is in direct relation to your social life.
Add all this to my somewhat depression I've gotten into after graduating college, and things just aren't looking up. This is a journey for me. I need a goal, I need a project. I just wish I could get graded on it, then maybe I'd do better to stick to it. It's one of the hardest things to do right now.. changing my lifestyle and getting rid of the 20 or so pounds that have plagued me since high school. I think if I figure out why I have always been a grazer, and switch my thoughts of food from comfort to nutrition, that will help incredibly. I remember when I was suceeding so much in weight watchers, my sister wasn't going as much with me, but I was still going, and the women were all so supportive, and I was feeling so great. I had lost about 12 lbs, and was so close to my first 10% goal. I remember wearing a skirt. Something I never did or do. I felt so healthy, so thin, and just good. I loved that feeling. If I could get back that time in my life, I would stay on program and not lose my motivation and my vision of what I wanted. What is my ultimate goal? It used to be to have thin thighs, since they've always been big. Well, now it's being able to wear all my clothes in my closet and have them look great on me. Not only that, but be able wear thigh-high boots and also be able to wear a skirt and have it look fantastic. Also, be able to walk into any store and be able to wear their jeans without a problem. I always want to shop at Abercrombie and Fitch, but I've never been thin enough to get their jeans, and they're always expensive. The only thing about losing weight that kind of worries me is what Kelly would say. I know he loves me no matter what, or what size I am.. but I know that for the "bigger" end.. what about the smaller end? What happens if I lose 30 lbs and I'm suddenly a size 4 instead of 10? I never want to look like a model.. especially the really skinny ones. I always want to have muscle, and I always want to have substance. I'm just sick of how big my thighs are! lol Besides my thighs, I hate that my hips are only 21 inches less than how tall I am.
All of this means I need to do an overhaul on my lifestyle. Moving more, eating less. Eating healthier, making more of myself. Looking to God for help, and not thinking I can do it all myself. I hadn't thought of that before, and now that I realize it, I don't know how I didn't see this in the first place! Temptation is all around me, in the food sense and in all other senses. Am I ready to give it up? I mean temptation in the food sense. I'd like to think I am.. but day one is always the easiest. It only gets harder from here, but next year, when it's all gone, I'll look back and say it was all worth it. :)