Topical: Tax dollars at work in your defense once again
(AP) Washington - The Department of Homeland Security announced Monday that American customs officials had foiled a plot to assemble and detonate a so-called "dirty bomb" within a urban population center before Christmas. The plot, conceived and executed by Australian terrorists posing as tourists and import-export specialty grocers, would have involved accumulating a substantial quantity of the biological agent "vegemite" in a major city such as Manhattan, where it could be dumped in public spaces or inside the subway system, quickly rendering the entire city unfit for human habitation.
"We had been observing the movement of these materials for several months now, and realized that an all-too-disturbing pattern was emerging," Deputy Secretary of the DHS Michael Jackson told reporters at a special briefing on Monday. The vegemite, he said, was entering the country, but because it couldn't possibly be getting eaten, there must be something more nefarious in the works. "Sure enough, when we looked more closely? Foreigners." He then narrowed eyes and looked around the room as though attempting to discern if anyone in the reporter pool might be similarly un-American. Vegemite has now been classed as a controlled substance, terrorist compound, and several other kinds of things that mean that you could be arrested just for googling (GOOG +21.11) on it, much less trying to buy it.
The Homeland Security Threat Advisory System has remained at ORANGE since the announcement, two weeks ago, that rogue nation North Korea had attempted to make and test haggis. That test was apparently a failure, though really... it's haggis, how would you know for sure?
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For consideration: all this plus the domestic threat of spinach!
"We had been observing the movement of these materials for several months now, and realized that an all-too-disturbing pattern was emerging," Deputy Secretary of the DHS Michael Jackson told reporters at a special briefing on Monday. The vegemite, he said, was entering the country, but because it couldn't possibly be getting eaten, there must be something more nefarious in the works. "Sure enough, when we looked more closely? Foreigners." He then narrowed eyes and looked around the room as though attempting to discern if anyone in the reporter pool might be similarly un-American. Vegemite has now been classed as a controlled substance, terrorist compound, and several other kinds of things that mean that you could be arrested just for googling (GOOG +21.11) on it, much less trying to buy it.
The Homeland Security Threat Advisory System has remained at ORANGE since the announcement, two weeks ago, that rogue nation North Korea had attempted to make and test haggis. That test was apparently a failure, though really... it's haggis, how would you know for sure?
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For consideration: all this plus the domestic threat of spinach!