With apologies to John & Paul & George & Ringo

[crisper]

I'm fixing a hole where the Claus gets in
And fills my house with useless bling
As he ho ho hos

I'm filling the chimney and blocking the door
To save my house from any more
Of his ho ho ho

And it really doesn't matter if he's real or fake
All this cheer I can't take
All this cheer
See the children standing there who ask for stuff and never care
And wonder where the milk and cookies go

I'm trapping my roof with some dangerous things
And when he arrives on reindeer wings
Then I'll ho ho ho

And it really doesn't matter if he's fake or real
It makes me want to kill
It makes me want
Silly people run around all merry-gay and never ask
Who's gonna pay for all this stuff galore

I'm making a list and I'm checking it twice
Gonna decide who's naughty and nice
Then I'll ho ho ho

I'm fixing a hole where the Claus gets in…

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For consideration: three decades later I still think it's hilarious to say "Away to the window I flew like a flash / tore open the shutters and threw up!"