Literally
One day, Jake woke up with an urge to become incredibly literal.
That is, he quite suddenly decided that he would push the bounds of what one could apply the word "literally" to. He started by trying to literally push those bounds, with his hands, but quickly determined that that was not something he could do literally.
Still, undaunted, he went looking for other things to try, with mixed success.
He literally led a horse to water, but found that with some real effort, he could literally make it drink as well. It helped that he was literally holding his horses.
He literally dressed a wolf in sheep's clothing, but it didn't stay on very well. He also had to literally run for his life once the wolf got free of the restrictive costume. Once he got to safety, though, he wasted no time in literally pulling the wool over his own eyes.
He tried to literally live off the fat of the land, but quickly discovered that land does not produce fat. He was able to find some literal salt of the earth, though. Mined it right out.
He turned to seafaring for inspiration, and literally put three sheets to the wind; it almost carried him away. Later, when he was able to locate a stockpile of timber, he did his best to literally shiver it, but it would have taken a bigger mallet than his.
Then he literally went back to the drawing board, sketched his next several ideas out.
He went to the forest and literally failed to see it for the trees. It occurred to him that maybe one of these trees was the wrong one, so he literally barked up it just in case.
He literally climbed on a bandwagon and, once the band started playing, he literally faced the music. The wagon, of course, he'd stolen - literally stolen for a song.
When he got hungry, he literally ate a square meal - square foods on a square plate, just like that. But he paid for it; literally, there was no such thing as a free lunch. He would have had beans with lunch but he literally spilled them. But for dessert, he really took the cake, literally. In fact, it was literally a piece of cake to do so.
He considered literally living by the sword, then dying by the sword, and even went so far as to buy a sword, but good sense and self-preservation quickly kicked in. So he literally beat that sword into a plowshare instead. But it had come from one of those mall cutlery shops and the resulting plowshare was too small and brittle to use.
He literally did all of these things, as well as many others, until he eventually found himself running out of things he literally still wanted to do. All done but one.
And so it was that he literally jumped a shark, and then, satisfied at last, went back to being metaphorical or allegorical or whatever at least once in a while.
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For consideration: literally the only thing I could think of tonight
That is, he quite suddenly decided that he would push the bounds of what one could apply the word "literally" to. He started by trying to literally push those bounds, with his hands, but quickly determined that that was not something he could do literally.
Still, undaunted, he went looking for other things to try, with mixed success.
He literally led a horse to water, but found that with some real effort, he could literally make it drink as well. It helped that he was literally holding his horses.
He literally dressed a wolf in sheep's clothing, but it didn't stay on very well. He also had to literally run for his life once the wolf got free of the restrictive costume. Once he got to safety, though, he wasted no time in literally pulling the wool over his own eyes.
He tried to literally live off the fat of the land, but quickly discovered that land does not produce fat. He was able to find some literal salt of the earth, though. Mined it right out.
He turned to seafaring for inspiration, and literally put three sheets to the wind; it almost carried him away. Later, when he was able to locate a stockpile of timber, he did his best to literally shiver it, but it would have taken a bigger mallet than his.
Then he literally went back to the drawing board, sketched his next several ideas out.
He went to the forest and literally failed to see it for the trees. It occurred to him that maybe one of these trees was the wrong one, so he literally barked up it just in case.
He literally climbed on a bandwagon and, once the band started playing, he literally faced the music. The wagon, of course, he'd stolen - literally stolen for a song.
When he got hungry, he literally ate a square meal - square foods on a square plate, just like that. But he paid for it; literally, there was no such thing as a free lunch. He would have had beans with lunch but he literally spilled them. But for dessert, he really took the cake, literally. In fact, it was literally a piece of cake to do so.
He considered literally living by the sword, then dying by the sword, and even went so far as to buy a sword, but good sense and self-preservation quickly kicked in. So he literally beat that sword into a plowshare instead. But it had come from one of those mall cutlery shops and the resulting plowshare was too small and brittle to use.
He literally did all of these things, as well as many others, until he eventually found himself running out of things he literally still wanted to do. All done but one.
And so it was that he literally jumped a shark, and then, satisfied at last, went back to being metaphorical or allegorical or whatever at least once in a while.
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For consideration: literally the only thing I could think of tonight