Boys Will Be

[crisper]

I am blessed with two lovely daughters and, at this point, my wife and I both feel that is plenty. So, at times, I find myself thinking, with just a bit of sadness, of the sons I will probably never have. What would I teach them? What activities would we practice together? Of course, the answers probably have a lot of overlap with my daughters. After all, I definitely intend to teach my girls to shoot and maintain firearms, and I probably wasn't going to play American football with any kid of mine ever, regardless of gender.

But this weekend I had an idea for How To Raise Boys that actually fills me more than the usual regret. Seriously, if I had boys, I would do this. Since I don't, someone else really must.

If you have boys, that someone else should be you. This is, seriously, what I want you to do:

• Name each room of your house after an historically significant region of France, especially along the traditionally disputed border regions with Germany, Spain, and Italy. For example, one bedroom is Alsace, the other Lorraine; the living room is Aquitaine, the dining room Burgundy. The kitchen might be Normandy. Your master bedroom is probably Navarre.
• Between-room structures are named after terrain: forests, rivers, mountains. The hallway is the Ardennes; the stairs are the Rhine; the foyer might be the Alps.
• After that, branch out. The back yard is England; the patio can be the Channel if you want. Perhaps the neighbors down the street are Bavaria, Saxony, and the Palatinate. Or Sicily, Venice, and the Papal States.
• Then, begin substituting new terminology for the things they do at home. Playing with toys is "taxing the peasants". Drawing or coloring is "making plans". Making lots of noise is "raising an army". Watching television is "brooding indolently". You get the idea.

In short order, your home should turn into THE LION IN WINTER:

• "Mom, John won't let me tax the peasants in Alsace!"
• "Now, John, leave William to his peasants in peace. Why don't you go back to making plans in the Aquitaine?"
• "Charles! Come back down the Rhine this very instance! No more indolent brooding!"
• "How many times have I told you to stay out of Normandy while I'm busy making plans with the Bavarians?"
• "That's it. Boys! Boys! I won't have you raising an army in here one more minute! I could hear you all the way on the other side of the Ardennes. All of you, get the hell out into England for a while."

This will in no way reduce the number or intensity of the internecine power struggles among the kids, but at least now it will feel like you're teaching them something.

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For consideration: no dynasty worth keeping was ever easy