Left Behind
Yeah, okay, I'll tell you the story again. I know you kids like hearin' about when Jesus came back.
Second time I was in the joint there was this Jesus freak named Willy and he just wouldn't shut up all the time about being Saved. "The Lord Jesus, He's a-comin'!" he would say. "The Rapture is his Bride and She will raise up the good 'uns and leave the bad 'uns behind!" Bein' in the joint seemed t'suggest t'me that we was pretty much firmly on the Bad 'Uns side, but Willy insisted that he never killed none of those people, except one guy who deserved it, and he'd found his peace in Jesus and repented for that sinful act of impulse, and so that meant he had gone back to the Good 'Uns. "You can be Good, too," he'd tell me, and every other person who couldn't get away from him quick enough. "Sure, you might have t'work hard at it, with all them banks you robbed and those people you shot up and such, but I know you can do it," he would insist. 'Course he didn't know the half of it, since there's a few folks at the bottom of the bayou that nobody ever traced t'me, and there might've been a woman here and there who said "no" when she shoulda just said "yes". And some liquor stores and house jobs when I needed quick money, of course.
So some of the other guys got into Jesus, or said they did, and some others found Allah, which is the same thing. All of them convinced of the same lie, which is that you can change what you are, that you can change what God made you in the first place. Insufferable sons of bitches, every one of 'em turned into, but they weren't half as bad as the ones on the outside. I guess they must've always been there but it weren't until I got outta the joint the second time that I noticed 'em. Damn Gooder-n-thous were everywhere. Smug pricks. It was like they read the Bible and all of a sudden the rest of the world oughta be tossin' their salad. At least the guys inside were sincere. Those guys worked their asses off at being Saved. But on the outside, it seemed like most of 'em just thought it was owed to 'em.
I thought about giving it a try, when I was real drunk one night and feelin' sorry for myself. Not 'cause I thought it would change me, but I thought, you know, maybe Jesus doesn't care if you change. Maybe he only cares if you say you believe. But then I thought if it was going to turn me into one of those assholes, I'd rather one of my buddies just shot me through the back of the head. I may be mean and vindictive and maybe my reasons for doin' really bad things aren't all that thought out most of the time, but I don't think I'm better'n anyone else.
So I just got comfortable with the fact that someone Jesus was gonna come back to Earth, probably sometime soon, and all the Good 'Uns was gonna rise up into Heaven and the rest of us would get Left Behind. I figured, I already had t'stick my thumb all the way through a guy's eyeball once t'keep him from puttin' a shiv up my ass in the showers and I got this scar across my face from a broken bottle fight and there's burns all over my back from my old man and the list goes on and on... maybe some folks would feel like being abandoned by Jesus would mean losin' everything, but it ain't like He can take nothin' from me, 'cause I ain't got nothin' t'take.
And then, well, the Coming happened. Holy mary mother of god hisself, there it was: great big wheels of fire in the sky and the booming voice: "I Am Returned!" I'll be damned, they was right after all. "I Am The Way. I Am The Truth. I Am The Light." Everyone on the planet went nuts, of course. "Let All Who Believe In Me Know Salvation!" People prayin' everywhere, weepin' in the streets, runnin' around speakin' in tongues. "All Who Embrace Me Shall Be Resurrected!"
And then people started gettin' lifted up bodily, just started raisin' up in the air. All you had to do was say you believed, or shout something like "I am saved!" or just raise your arms up in the air, pretty much. "Praise Jesus!" You'd be lifted up bodily. "Forgive me of my sins!" You'd be lifted up bodily. "Hallelujah!" You'd be lifted up bodily. Lots of people who I know weren't no good at all got lifted up bodily just 'cause they called out to the wheels of fire. It didn't matter what religion you were, or what language you spoke, everyone heard their version of Jesus tell 'em t'come on down. Someone, a smart guy who used to do counterfeiting and got me the occasional fake paperwork, once told me his calculation was that more than six and a half billion people went up. I dunno how he worked the numbers out but he's smart and anyway, it feels about right when I look around. It must've pissed them holy-rollers off 'cause it turns out they weren't so special after all. Anyone who wanted to go could go to Jesus. Really, I'm surprised half a billion of us stayed behind.
I thought about doin' it but I didn't. I dunno what your Mom's reasons were for not getting gettin' lifted up bodily, but clearly she must've had 'em 'cause here you kids are. As for me, I had me three reasons. One, even if he lies and cheats every damn other person he's ever met in his life, a man's gotta be true to himself, and I wasn't about to stick up my hand and say I'm something I not only ain't but something that most of the time I really hate. Two, I didn't much like none of them folks or get along with them when we was all on Earth, so I didn't see why we'd all be so much cozier up in Heaven. And three, well, frankly, even though they talked like Jesus and made everyone feel good an' such, I just didn't much care for the look of them wheels of fire.
And so I resigned myself to livin' on whatever Hell was going to come next as the last of 'em rose up into the spinning Jesus lights in the sky. And then, of course, the red rain began. Them wheels spun faster and faster and started making the huge sound like a buzzsaw and then the red rain came down all around and the seas turned red and the rivers turned red and every square inch of everythin' on the Earth turned red 'cause the wheels, they was sprayin' a fine mist of blood. Three days, it went on, and I think it was obvious where that blood came from. Six and a half billion people ground very fine can spray over a whole lotta territory, turns out.
And then the big voice said "Remain Ye Here In Misery Oh Cursed Ones!" and the wheels of fire all flew away and were gone. And so that's why the world isn't quite as good in some ways as it used t'be, 'cause we're havin' t'repopulate it and figure out how stuff works again. An' a lot of us is criminals or crazies or religious nutcases of one sort or another that don't believe in no sort of divinity I guess. Lotsa stuff burnt down and people die of flu and broken limbs all the time again, so I guess it's kinda Hell-like in its way. But at least we ain't all ground up and sprayed out of a flyin' wheel of fire.
Okay, so off t'bed with you now. Say your prayers. And don't forget to thank Jesus for not takin' us.
------
For consideration: all eschatons are the same eschatons, Who Saves The Savior?
Second time I was in the joint there was this Jesus freak named Willy and he just wouldn't shut up all the time about being Saved. "The Lord Jesus, He's a-comin'!" he would say. "The Rapture is his Bride and She will raise up the good 'uns and leave the bad 'uns behind!" Bein' in the joint seemed t'suggest t'me that we was pretty much firmly on the Bad 'Uns side, but Willy insisted that he never killed none of those people, except one guy who deserved it, and he'd found his peace in Jesus and repented for that sinful act of impulse, and so that meant he had gone back to the Good 'Uns. "You can be Good, too," he'd tell me, and every other person who couldn't get away from him quick enough. "Sure, you might have t'work hard at it, with all them banks you robbed and those people you shot up and such, but I know you can do it," he would insist. 'Course he didn't know the half of it, since there's a few folks at the bottom of the bayou that nobody ever traced t'me, and there might've been a woman here and there who said "no" when she shoulda just said "yes". And some liquor stores and house jobs when I needed quick money, of course.
So some of the other guys got into Jesus, or said they did, and some others found Allah, which is the same thing. All of them convinced of the same lie, which is that you can change what you are, that you can change what God made you in the first place. Insufferable sons of bitches, every one of 'em turned into, but they weren't half as bad as the ones on the outside. I guess they must've always been there but it weren't until I got outta the joint the second time that I noticed 'em. Damn Gooder-n-thous were everywhere. Smug pricks. It was like they read the Bible and all of a sudden the rest of the world oughta be tossin' their salad. At least the guys inside were sincere. Those guys worked their asses off at being Saved. But on the outside, it seemed like most of 'em just thought it was owed to 'em.
I thought about giving it a try, when I was real drunk one night and feelin' sorry for myself. Not 'cause I thought it would change me, but I thought, you know, maybe Jesus doesn't care if you change. Maybe he only cares if you say you believe. But then I thought if it was going to turn me into one of those assholes, I'd rather one of my buddies just shot me through the back of the head. I may be mean and vindictive and maybe my reasons for doin' really bad things aren't all that thought out most of the time, but I don't think I'm better'n anyone else.
So I just got comfortable with the fact that someone Jesus was gonna come back to Earth, probably sometime soon, and all the Good 'Uns was gonna rise up into Heaven and the rest of us would get Left Behind. I figured, I already had t'stick my thumb all the way through a guy's eyeball once t'keep him from puttin' a shiv up my ass in the showers and I got this scar across my face from a broken bottle fight and there's burns all over my back from my old man and the list goes on and on... maybe some folks would feel like being abandoned by Jesus would mean losin' everything, but it ain't like He can take nothin' from me, 'cause I ain't got nothin' t'take.
And then, well, the Coming happened. Holy mary mother of god hisself, there it was: great big wheels of fire in the sky and the booming voice: "I Am Returned!" I'll be damned, they was right after all. "I Am The Way. I Am The Truth. I Am The Light." Everyone on the planet went nuts, of course. "Let All Who Believe In Me Know Salvation!" People prayin' everywhere, weepin' in the streets, runnin' around speakin' in tongues. "All Who Embrace Me Shall Be Resurrected!"
And then people started gettin' lifted up bodily, just started raisin' up in the air. All you had to do was say you believed, or shout something like "I am saved!" or just raise your arms up in the air, pretty much. "Praise Jesus!" You'd be lifted up bodily. "Forgive me of my sins!" You'd be lifted up bodily. "Hallelujah!" You'd be lifted up bodily. Lots of people who I know weren't no good at all got lifted up bodily just 'cause they called out to the wheels of fire. It didn't matter what religion you were, or what language you spoke, everyone heard their version of Jesus tell 'em t'come on down. Someone, a smart guy who used to do counterfeiting and got me the occasional fake paperwork, once told me his calculation was that more than six and a half billion people went up. I dunno how he worked the numbers out but he's smart and anyway, it feels about right when I look around. It must've pissed them holy-rollers off 'cause it turns out they weren't so special after all. Anyone who wanted to go could go to Jesus. Really, I'm surprised half a billion of us stayed behind.
I thought about doin' it but I didn't. I dunno what your Mom's reasons were for not getting gettin' lifted up bodily, but clearly she must've had 'em 'cause here you kids are. As for me, I had me three reasons. One, even if he lies and cheats every damn other person he's ever met in his life, a man's gotta be true to himself, and I wasn't about to stick up my hand and say I'm something I not only ain't but something that most of the time I really hate. Two, I didn't much like none of them folks or get along with them when we was all on Earth, so I didn't see why we'd all be so much cozier up in Heaven. And three, well, frankly, even though they talked like Jesus and made everyone feel good an' such, I just didn't much care for the look of them wheels of fire.
And so I resigned myself to livin' on whatever Hell was going to come next as the last of 'em rose up into the spinning Jesus lights in the sky. And then, of course, the red rain began. Them wheels spun faster and faster and started making the huge sound like a buzzsaw and then the red rain came down all around and the seas turned red and the rivers turned red and every square inch of everythin' on the Earth turned red 'cause the wheels, they was sprayin' a fine mist of blood. Three days, it went on, and I think it was obvious where that blood came from. Six and a half billion people ground very fine can spray over a whole lotta territory, turns out.
And then the big voice said "Remain Ye Here In Misery Oh Cursed Ones!" and the wheels of fire all flew away and were gone. And so that's why the world isn't quite as good in some ways as it used t'be, 'cause we're havin' t'repopulate it and figure out how stuff works again. An' a lot of us is criminals or crazies or religious nutcases of one sort or another that don't believe in no sort of divinity I guess. Lotsa stuff burnt down and people die of flu and broken limbs all the time again, so I guess it's kinda Hell-like in its way. But at least we ain't all ground up and sprayed out of a flyin' wheel of fire.
Okay, so off t'bed with you now. Say your prayers. And don't forget to thank Jesus for not takin' us.
------
For consideration: all eschatons are the same eschatons, Who Saves The Savior?