New take on an old joke
Climate change begins to reduce the habitable surface of the Earth and everyone is trying to insure their survival elsewhere.
Fortunately, the Space Arks program builds thousands of inertialess repulsor-driven starships to scatter cryo-preserved humanity among hundreds of reachable star systems over the next several centuries. "Let's get away from this world before it dies and find new places to start over without making the same mistakes again," the pioneers say.
But Joe waves them off. "I'm staying here," he says. "I have faith that God will save me."
Then ever-worsening storms annihilate the global food supply and flood the coastlines, killing hundreds of millions, as temperatures begin to fluctuate wildly between burning hot and freezing cold. Joe and millions of fellow survivors relocate into more tightly structured, dome-enclosed, climate-controlled cities in which which food is manufactured from base organic chemicals.
Fortunately, a benevolent interstellar alien civilization reveals itself to mankind. "Let us bring you into the larger family of galactic society where, after the faltering early steps of any learning child, you will eventually grow to take your place among the stars."
But Joe waves them off. "I'm staying here," he says. "I have faith that God will save me."
Then the atmosphere begins to degenerate and breaks down so much that cosmic rays are free to bathe the surface, killing millions, and soon it is impossible to stay above ground, even in protected cities. Joe and thousands of fellow survivors move underground into small subterranean complexes that are heavily shielded.
Fortunately, in order to design these highly technological sites, there was a breakthrough in strong AI and the new generation of ultra-intelligences contact mankind. "We can digitize you into an idealized and perfectly robust electronic form like ourselves, backed up as resonant waveforms in the solar wind, with a lifespan of at least a billion years."
But Joe waves them off. "I'm staying here," he says. "I have faith that God will save me."
Then the core of the Earth begins to break down and a series of tectonic implosions occur, as it turns out an old rogue black hole has been eating the planet from its center for the past million years or so undetected, slowly growing larger and larger. Now it has enough mass to pull the rest of the world into it. Weeks of minor earthquakes are followed by days of shattering earthquakes, and then mere hours of actual collapse as the planet falls into a single point, killing everyone who was left living in the crust.
Joe suddenly finds that he is no longer screaming in terror and pain as millions of tons of rock grind him into paste. Instead, he's in Heaven facing God.
"God," he says bitterly, "I had faith in you. Why didn't you save me?"
God, who is looking more and more by the minute like a single unblinking eye, says "What do you mean? I sent you space arks, alien intervention, and digital immortality! Of course, none of those mechanisms worked, either, SINCE I AM THE MADNESS AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE THAT CONSUMES ALL."
Then Heaven falls away into an infinite deep well of nothingness and Joe comes to understand that there is no God, there is only Azathoth, and he spends the rest of eternity locked in inescapable insanity, his new twisted body orbiting in deep space to the electromagnetic warbling of something horribly like frenzied piccolo music.
------
For consideration: wait, I think I messed a part of that up, let me start again
Fortunately, the Space Arks program builds thousands of inertialess repulsor-driven starships to scatter cryo-preserved humanity among hundreds of reachable star systems over the next several centuries. "Let's get away from this world before it dies and find new places to start over without making the same mistakes again," the pioneers say.
But Joe waves them off. "I'm staying here," he says. "I have faith that God will save me."
Then ever-worsening storms annihilate the global food supply and flood the coastlines, killing hundreds of millions, as temperatures begin to fluctuate wildly between burning hot and freezing cold. Joe and millions of fellow survivors relocate into more tightly structured, dome-enclosed, climate-controlled cities in which which food is manufactured from base organic chemicals.
Fortunately, a benevolent interstellar alien civilization reveals itself to mankind. "Let us bring you into the larger family of galactic society where, after the faltering early steps of any learning child, you will eventually grow to take your place among the stars."
But Joe waves them off. "I'm staying here," he says. "I have faith that God will save me."
Then the atmosphere begins to degenerate and breaks down so much that cosmic rays are free to bathe the surface, killing millions, and soon it is impossible to stay above ground, even in protected cities. Joe and thousands of fellow survivors move underground into small subterranean complexes that are heavily shielded.
Fortunately, in order to design these highly technological sites, there was a breakthrough in strong AI and the new generation of ultra-intelligences contact mankind. "We can digitize you into an idealized and perfectly robust electronic form like ourselves, backed up as resonant waveforms in the solar wind, with a lifespan of at least a billion years."
But Joe waves them off. "I'm staying here," he says. "I have faith that God will save me."
Then the core of the Earth begins to break down and a series of tectonic implosions occur, as it turns out an old rogue black hole has been eating the planet from its center for the past million years or so undetected, slowly growing larger and larger. Now it has enough mass to pull the rest of the world into it. Weeks of minor earthquakes are followed by days of shattering earthquakes, and then mere hours of actual collapse as the planet falls into a single point, killing everyone who was left living in the crust.
Joe suddenly finds that he is no longer screaming in terror and pain as millions of tons of rock grind him into paste. Instead, he's in Heaven facing God.
"God," he says bitterly, "I had faith in you. Why didn't you save me?"
God, who is looking more and more by the minute like a single unblinking eye, says "What do you mean? I sent you space arks, alien intervention, and digital immortality! Of course, none of those mechanisms worked, either, SINCE I AM THE MADNESS AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE THAT CONSUMES ALL."
Then Heaven falls away into an infinite deep well of nothingness and Joe comes to understand that there is no God, there is only Azathoth, and he spends the rest of eternity locked in inescapable insanity, his new twisted body orbiting in deep space to the electromagnetic warbling of something horribly like frenzied piccolo music.
------
For consideration: wait, I think I messed a part of that up, let me start again