Being a Treatise on the Well-Deserved Destruction of Rodents

[crisper]

At this time, my Success in the Pursuit of having a Dwelling free of the pestilent Rat Menace sitteth upon Pillars which are six in Number, those being one in the Carriage-House and one in the Attic three Weeks past, two more in the Attic whilst Milady and I traveled to the City of York the Newer, one in the Attic found two Christian Sabbaths hence, and one more in the Attic one Weeke ago this morn.

As there have been no further Signes or even Portents of continued rodential Activity for a Weeke now, neither Scurrying of little Paws across the Ceiling nor further Successes to be disposed of nor even Evidence of Baite being tested in the least, and as my six Successes to date inspire in me some small Belief that I may be qualified to have an Opinion on such Matters, it is my Hope that this may well and truly be an End to the Problem, though I shall refrain at this time from fully claiming in Arrogance the Accomplishment of any Mission.

It is my further Hope and fondly-held Wish at this Time to render unto ye fine Folk some Advice borne of Experience on the Subject of ridding one's Dwelling of this sorte of Infestation:

• Go ye to your local hardware Purveyor and accquire ye Trappes of appropriate Size, for a small Trappe sufficient to the Task of catching simple Mice sufficeth not to catch those mightier Rodents which do come in from the Trees outside to nest within the Walls.
  
• Baite ye Trappe not with the Cheese of the Cow as the Frenchmen are inclined but rather with the Butter of the Peanut, for while both are palatable to the rodential Tongue, the former may be snatched whole from the Trappe with a flick of Paw or Tail, allowing Theft of the Baite even as the Trappe springeth shut, while the latter be difficult to filch and requireth the Vermin to worry continually at the Lever until Death quite suddenly prevaileth over it.
  
• Spread ye the Butter of the Peanut not only upon the dorsal Side of the Triggering Lever but also beneath, along the Ventral, so that the Vermin must place its Head more fully in Harm's Way as it yields to Temptation.
  
• Though surely Common Sense has already informed ye appropriately, it beareth repeating that ye should place the Baite upon the Triggering Lever of the Trappe before arming it.
  
• Arm ye the Trappes carefully and place ye the Trappes gently with several Yards between them, in places where ye know the Rodent has been if possible, by signs of its Refuse or simply where ye have heard it scurrying about.
  
• Place ye the Trappe so that the Trappe be perpendicular to the Wall and the Triggering Lever be nearest the Wall, for the Rodent runneth only along the Wall and strayeth not therefrom, even for the most delicious of Baite, and if it be possible, build ye up the Place to each side of the Trappe with some manner of other Matter, such that thy Prey, who feels not Claustrophobia as good and decent Folk do, will be put at Ease, and so there be no easy Space to the Side from which the Rat may seek the Baite without being directly upon the Trappe.
  
• If ye check the Trappes and there be Success, don ye Gloves before removing the Body, that thy Hands may be kept from its Uncleanliness.
  
• When resetting the Trappe, wipe ye most thoroughly all evidence of Baite from the Springe, wooden Base, and Snappe, leaving only Baite that is fresh upon the Triggering Lever itself, for Baite on other Parts may lead to the Trappe being sprunge while the Head of the Prey is not fully under the Snappe.

(Ladies, Children, and others of delicate Consitution may wish to refrain from reading the last of my Words, for they concern the Matter of Remains left too longe in the Trappe.)

• If much Time hath passed since last ye checked the Trappes and it so happeneth that there be Success that has lain too longe, such that Nature has begun to work her Turning upon it, transforming it into the base Decay that is the sure Fate which awaiteth all Mortal Flesh, then after lifting away what Remains as ye might, throw ye a small amounte of liquid Bleache over the Maggotes, and they shall surely be reduced in minutes to a sorte of thicke foaming Sludge, though ye must not tarry to witness this alchemical Miracle lest ye draw any of the Satanic Vapours which arise into thy Lungs, and some hours later nought shall remain but smalle blacke odorless Kernels.

Do ye these things as I have advised and ye should see a great Reduction in the trafficking of the accursed Rat within the Walls and Attics of thy Home.

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For consideration: Also, when thy Worke be compleat, springe ye the Trappes and withdrawe them, that they shall not become a forgotten and surprisingly sudden and painful Bane at some pointe in the Future.