Your Friendly CDC Reminder

[crisper]

What to do if Bird Flu breaks out in your neighborhood

• Hand hygiene is important. Wash your hands incessantly. Wash before touching food. Wash after touching doorknobs and handles. Wash before and after touching your own genitalia. Dirty! Dirty! Dirty!
• Do not use objects that others have used, or which have come in contact with others. Dispose of surgical tools, sex toys, paper documentation, clothing, weapons, and computing devices after use.
• Protect your eyes. The infected like to spit. They are like spitting bird-vipers. Listen: do you hear that snapping sound? That's their spit. They're spitting at you! Protect your eyes.
• Isolate the infected in a room that has negative air pressure compared to its surroundings. The greater the pressure differential, the less infectious the subject will be. Vacuum, for example, will solve the problem entirely.
• Eliminate public gatherings. Close schools. Burn churches. Scatter crowds by any means necessary: shouting, concussion grenades, dressing like an Arab and wearing a bunch of wires and blinking lights on your chest. Anything.
• Expect work absences, not only from the ill but also from the healthy, who are averse to avoiding exposure to the flu and who were looking for a reason to stay home and play XBox 360 all day anyway.
• Shoot anyone who comes near you who might be infected. The infected will act oddly, but are wily enough to try and hide it. Better to shoot and regret than to hold fire and die. Two in the chest, one in the head!
• Most important of all: Do not panic! The proliferation of avian flu is no reason to overreact. Just build a fortress of protection around yourself and ruthlessly destroy any who would attempt to penetrate it.

REMEMBER:
FREEDOM IS YOUR RIGHT
BUT HEALTH IS A PRIVILEGE

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For consideration: I like to think that pandemicflu.gov bought out and hostilely took over avianflu.gov