(no subject)
Well folks it's been forever since posting anything here. I've been sticking to Facebook but I guess I can manage the occassional fully detailed update here from time to time. Alot has happened.
My mother passed away one year ago yesterday and that was the worst thing I've ever had to deal with. She had end-stage lung disease brought by lupis and years of smoking. I am also very certain that drinking tons of diet soda contributed to not only triggering the lupis but for advancing its progress in attacking the body. Aspartame is a deadly and addictive toxin and should be avoided at all costs. You would be better off drinking regular soda with sugar or just drinking water. Anyway, she was in and out of consciousness for a couple of days before the end and for at least 6 months her condition declined rapidly. She couldn't eat due to her lungs be hyper-inflated so she lost alot of weight. She got to the point where she couldn't leave her bed without being winded. And then couldn't even lift the phone for long periods of time without being winded.
My stepdad, Gary worked about an hour away and worked at least 12 hours a day so she was stuck at home, alone for quite a while as she steadily declined. It breaks my heart to know that there was nothing I could do being so far away from her and that she had nothing to do but sit there and reflect on her life and those of us left behind with the pain of her passing. But she struggled on and suffered through it for as long as she could. Gary knew the end was coming soon so he had arranged a leave of absense to be with her till she passed. His first day on leave she started shutting down. It was as if she was holding on until he could be there with her and now that he was she could let go. 4/11 was their 34th wedding anniversary and she held on all day long and passed on 4/12 at five past midnight. She couldn't bear to pass on such a special day.
I got the call at 12:30am. I had no idea it would feel that bad. I knew it was coming and I knew it was going to be in the next day or two but still, when it was done it still hurt like you couldn't imagine. The sounds coming out of me were terrible. But Jenni was there for me the whole time. Her mom had passed away suddenly so she knows how it feels. She really helped me through it. At the funeral I wrote a small tribute to her and had it read. There was no way I was in any condition to speak. I couldn't even breathe.
She was the strongest person that I have ever met. She endured abuses, both physical and mental, that would've sent most people either looking for the easy way out or down a path of self-abuse through sex, drugs and alcohol. But she never ONCE allowed the things that happened in her past to define her future or who she was as a person. She never embraced those things and made them a part of her identity and never used them as an excuse to live a bad life or deter her from her path. She could have but she often told me that the reason for that was because of me. She told me that I saved her life just by being there. She toughened up, fought past the hurt and did what she needed to do to take care of me. We took care of each other. She often appologized to me for the way some things turned out in our lives. We were very poor but even at our poorest I never onced had any regret for our circumstances. Because I had her. And I didn't care about anything else. I never once blamed her. It was me and her against the world and even when things were at their worst I still look on those times as the best times of my life because that was when we were the strongest together.
But her journey had come to an end. She reached the end of her path. And a year and a day ago she stepped away from the path and into the clearing beyond.
I saw her at the funeral. I had turned to look at all the people in the audience and when I turned back she was right in front of me, kneeling down before me and holding my face in her hands, comforting me with such a look of worry for me. Then suddenly she was sitting on the stairs of the stage with her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands, looking at me with such saddened pride. And then she was gone. I have never seen her again, not even in dreams.
While she was declining she would occassionaly have dreams of my grandmother who had passed several years ago. One dream in particular wasn't a dream, it was a visitation. Mom was laying in bed and she saw Gramma standing in the doorway of the bedroom. Mom asked her, "Momma, what are you doing over there?" She replied, "Well, I'm waiting for you, silly!" She never entered the room. It was like it wasn't her time to do so.
I like to think that in the moments before she passed on she looked up to see her mother standing in the doorway, smilling at her with humungous pride. Mom, looking at her, knowing it was her time to go said, "Hey Momma. What are you doing standing there?"
"Waiting for you, dear. Are you ready to go?"
"Yes I am." And with that she stepped into the room and took hand. And in a moment of pure peace and love embraced each other in the warmest hug and went on their way to better places.
I miss you so very much, Momma. We'll be together one day.
My mother passed away one year ago yesterday and that was the worst thing I've ever had to deal with. She had end-stage lung disease brought by lupis and years of smoking. I am also very certain that drinking tons of diet soda contributed to not only triggering the lupis but for advancing its progress in attacking the body. Aspartame is a deadly and addictive toxin and should be avoided at all costs. You would be better off drinking regular soda with sugar or just drinking water. Anyway, she was in and out of consciousness for a couple of days before the end and for at least 6 months her condition declined rapidly. She couldn't eat due to her lungs be hyper-inflated so she lost alot of weight. She got to the point where she couldn't leave her bed without being winded. And then couldn't even lift the phone for long periods of time without being winded.
My stepdad, Gary worked about an hour away and worked at least 12 hours a day so she was stuck at home, alone for quite a while as she steadily declined. It breaks my heart to know that there was nothing I could do being so far away from her and that she had nothing to do but sit there and reflect on her life and those of us left behind with the pain of her passing. But she struggled on and suffered through it for as long as she could. Gary knew the end was coming soon so he had arranged a leave of absense to be with her till she passed. His first day on leave she started shutting down. It was as if she was holding on until he could be there with her and now that he was she could let go. 4/11 was their 34th wedding anniversary and she held on all day long and passed on 4/12 at five past midnight. She couldn't bear to pass on such a special day.
I got the call at 12:30am. I had no idea it would feel that bad. I knew it was coming and I knew it was going to be in the next day or two but still, when it was done it still hurt like you couldn't imagine. The sounds coming out of me were terrible. But Jenni was there for me the whole time. Her mom had passed away suddenly so she knows how it feels. She really helped me through it. At the funeral I wrote a small tribute to her and had it read. There was no way I was in any condition to speak. I couldn't even breathe.
She was the strongest person that I have ever met. She endured abuses, both physical and mental, that would've sent most people either looking for the easy way out or down a path of self-abuse through sex, drugs and alcohol. But she never ONCE allowed the things that happened in her past to define her future or who she was as a person. She never embraced those things and made them a part of her identity and never used them as an excuse to live a bad life or deter her from her path. She could have but she often told me that the reason for that was because of me. She told me that I saved her life just by being there. She toughened up, fought past the hurt and did what she needed to do to take care of me. We took care of each other. She often appologized to me for the way some things turned out in our lives. We were very poor but even at our poorest I never onced had any regret for our circumstances. Because I had her. And I didn't care about anything else. I never once blamed her. It was me and her against the world and even when things were at their worst I still look on those times as the best times of my life because that was when we were the strongest together.
But her journey had come to an end. She reached the end of her path. And a year and a day ago she stepped away from the path and into the clearing beyond.
I saw her at the funeral. I had turned to look at all the people in the audience and when I turned back she was right in front of me, kneeling down before me and holding my face in her hands, comforting me with such a look of worry for me. Then suddenly she was sitting on the stairs of the stage with her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands, looking at me with such saddened pride. And then she was gone. I have never seen her again, not even in dreams.
While she was declining she would occassionaly have dreams of my grandmother who had passed several years ago. One dream in particular wasn't a dream, it was a visitation. Mom was laying in bed and she saw Gramma standing in the doorway of the bedroom. Mom asked her, "Momma, what are you doing over there?" She replied, "Well, I'm waiting for you, silly!" She never entered the room. It was like it wasn't her time to do so.
I like to think that in the moments before she passed on she looked up to see her mother standing in the doorway, smilling at her with humungous pride. Mom, looking at her, knowing it was her time to go said, "Hey Momma. What are you doing standing there?"
"Waiting for you, dear. Are you ready to go?"
"Yes I am." And with that she stepped into the room and took hand. And in a moment of pure peace and love embraced each other in the warmest hug and went on their way to better places.
I miss you so very much, Momma. We'll be together one day.