Haunted - Chapter 6
Title: Haunted
Author: phoenix_zeal
Pairing: Akame, HayaRyu
Rating: R
Genre: Angst, Romance, Ghost Story
Disclaimer: I do not make any profit from this.
Beta: Myself
Summary: It had been a couple of years since Jin and Kazuya met. The mansion was no longer haunted and their relationship seemed strong. Then they got an opportunity to live in a Scottish castle for awhile. Everything seemed to be normal at first but then odd things began to happen.
Warnings: Mentions of suicide [Non-descriptive]
Notes: Sequel to Reflections. When Jin and Kazuya are around the British characters they're speaking English unless specified otherwise. They speak Japanese when they're alone.
Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5
A lot of times Kazuya wouldn’t bother with trying to figure out the whole story. He would just act on emotions that he picked up, and the things that the ghosts were willing to tell him, to bring them peace. At times like this it was almost necessary to know more as there was more than one ghost involved. The research had been misleading, though, both for him and, to some extent, even to one of the spirits.
So many of his initial guesses had been wrong and the truth made him feel weary. Was there a meaning to life, and death, or were people just living without a bigger plan? The existence of Jin and himself made him think that there had to be some kind of destiny, a reason to why they looked almost exactly like they’d done in their past lives. There had to be someone who planned everything and made everyone’s life meaningful.
“I have a question”, Jin said when they’d almost reached the bottom of the stairs. “Didn’t Margaret jump with Eliza through one of the windows?”
“I thought so too but apparently the accidents were just accidents”, Kazuya said. “Margaret didn’t have to create a barrier because they weren’t doing any harm to the people living here.”
“Why didn’t you tell her?”
“It would’ve made it more difficult to get her to let go. Actually, her feelings and the energy she created by thinking that Eliza was evil and a murderer made most of the damage.”
“So if something would stop a ghost from moving on, you keep it from them and lie to them? You’re manipulating them.”
Kazuya frowned, not liking the way Jin had said it. “I guess you could say that but I am helping them. They get peace because I tell them what they need to hear.” He could tell that Jin wanted to say something but they had just reached the door to Alice’s room. “This might be a bit scary but please stay calm.”
Jin nodded in reply and Kazuya opened the door. They were dripping all over the floor, but Kazuya paid no attention to it as he approached the girl in the middle of the room. She looked at him with empty eyes as he knelt down in front of her.
“Do you want to play?” Kazuya asked calmly and she nodded, showing her teeth in what was probably a smile. “There is a place you can go where no one will lock you up or tell you what to do. You will have many things to play with and your sister is there. Do you want to go?”
Eliza tilted her head as she listened to him and hesitated a bit when he was done. Kazuya was worried that she wouldn’t go. Not because she’d do much damage if she stayed, but because everyone deserved peace. When people died they weren’t supposed to stay somewhere between the physical world and the afterlife, stuck in the same way forever. People could go on to the afterlife and come back to watch over their relatives from time to time, but that was different; they were able to move on and get peace.
Kazuya breathed a sigh of relief when Eliza nodded. She looked over his shoulder and a light that hadn’t been there before was visible in her eyes. Without looking at Jin and Kazuya, she jumped up and ran to somewhere they couldn’t see.
“That was much easier than I thought it would be”, Jin said.
“It’s all about letting go”, Kazuya said. “Most of the time they want to but they feel like someone has to give them permission to do so.”
“Letting go, huh?” Jin sighed. “Can we go dry off now? I’m practically freezing.”
“Of course.”
Kazuya noticed that he was actually cold too. Now that he didn’t have his job to focus on he had to listen to his own body again. They returned to the suite to change into dry clothes before walking down to the dining hall to eat lunch. The three McGregors joined them to listen to who the ghosts had been and why they’d haunted the castle. Alice looked at Kazuya with shining eyes the whole time, as if he was some kind of hero for figuring things out and giving the ghosts peace. It made him uncomfortable and he noticed that Jin was quiet during the entire lunch. Perhaps it wasn’t related but it made Kazuya a bit worried.
“Will you spend the afternoon together with me?” Alice asked. “Now that you’ve helped us with both the fake haunting and the real one, you have time for some fun, right?”
“That would be nice”, Kazuya said with a smile. “Jin, will you join us?”
“Yeah, sure.” Jin’s smile was a bit strained but Kazuya said nothing about it.
The rain had stopped so they, or Alice mostly, decided that they would go riding first. Honestly Kazuya was a bit tired but he didn’t want to be rude and refuse. James had invited them there for his daughter’s sake and Kazuya really did like her.
After riding for a couple of hours, Alice asked one of the staff to act as a photographer so she’d have plenty of pictures of herself together with two of her idols. Jin had brightened up during the ride and all three of them laughed and joked around. Kazuya figured that Jin had just felt a bit gloomy after finding out the story behind the girls’ deaths, and that it was all right now. The rest of the evening passed by with good company and good food.
***
It was the last day of their vacation. After the quite eventful first days they’d had a couple of calm ones. Their flight was in the evening and it was now early morning. It was a lovely day with sunshine and chirping birds. Kazuya opened his eyes. He felt a bit confused, as if he’d been having a strange dream that was at the back of his mind but he couldn’t quite remember.
Kazuya, Ryu said and Kazuya frowned, wondering if it was his past self that had woke him up. I’m sorry about this but I’m going to have to take control over your body for awhile. I want you to be awake for this.
What are you talking about? Kazuya thought. What are you going to do?
You’ll see. Trust me, please.
Kazuya knew that Ryu wouldn’t ask him unless it was important so he allowed for the other to take control. Ryu knew what he had to do, he’d been thinking about it for a long time but he’d allowed himself to wait. Perhaps it had been wrong of him but he was only human. He thought that he had a greater chance of convincing Hayato now than he would’ve a couple of years ago.
Ryu looked at Jin who was in bed next to him, still sleeping. He was very fond of Jin, not only because he was the reincarnation of Hayato. Jin was a generous and kind person who could achieve anything that he wanted; the problem was that he didn’t know that. Ryu had seen Jin getting increasingly lost over the past two years and it pained him.
Hayato had always been a strong personality and he held a power over people that he wasn’t aware of. While Ryu had tried to stay back as much as possible after the first exhilarating weeks, letting Kazuya do his own thing without his influence, Hayato hadn’t shown such restraint. It was clear that Jin didn’t know who he was or what he wanted anymore, and Ryu couldn’t just watch and let that happen. As much as he loved Hayato and he enjoyed getting to see things from his perspective, the way he had been before he died, it just wasn’t right. It wasn’t natural and it wasn’t the way reincarnation was supposed to work.
“Jin, Hayato, wake up”, Ryu said and gently caressed Jin’s cheek.
Jin’s eyes opened and he looked at Ryu blearily. “You again.”
“Yes, me again.” Ryu smiled slightly. “I have to speak to Hayato.”
“Then I can sleep again.”
“No, I want you to hear it too, Kazuya is already awake.”
Jin looked concerned and he sat up so he wouldn’t be cross-eyed from looking at Ryu from such a short distance. He seemed to realise that it was serious and he nodded slowly. His attention turned inwards and then a very sleepy Hayato appeared.
“What is it?” Hayato asked, yawning. “I haven’t seen you in awhile, you always say no when I want to be with you.”
“You know why”, Ryu said, sitting up and was instantly kissed by a very eager Hayato. He allowed himself to enjoy it for a moment before he drew back. “I need to speak to you.”
“Can’t it wait until after sex and breakfast?” Hayato asked, kissing Ryu’s shoulder.
“Hayato, I’m serious. There’s something really important that we have to talk about.”
Hayato looked at him sharply. “I’m not going to like this, am I?”
“I’m leaving.”
“What? I don’t understand. It’s Kazuya’s body, you can’t just leave with it. I mean, you could but it would be a bit rude. Don’t you like Scotland?”
Ryu sighed; Hayato always had to complicate things by acting stupid when he actually wasn’t. Whenever he wanted to avoid facing difficult things he would do that. Sometimes it was charming but now it was just frustrating.
“We’ve stayed for too long”, Ryu said. “Hayato, these aren’t our bodies, you said it yourself. All that’s left of our own bodies are ashes. Kazuya and Jin share our souls and they look like us but they don’t have our minds. We are not supposed to be here.”
“If we’re not supposed to be here, then why are we? I don’t want to die again. I don’t want to disappear.”
Hayato looked so full of desperation that Ryu almost regretted his decision, but he knew that it was the right thing to do. He didn’t want to disappear either but he already knew that he wouldn’t, not really. Kazuya was Ryu, albeit a new and different version of him. A stronger, more intelligent version of him that he was proud of and had the outmost faith in.
“We won’t die and we won’t disappear”, Ryu said, placing his hand on Hayato’s cheek. “Unlike most people, we already know what happens to us. They’re right here, Hayato, and they’re fantastic people. We were young and stupid and we had a tragic end but that won’t happen to them. You know that we’re only stopping them from reaching their full potential by staying, we’re hindering ourselves. We have to let go to let them be happy. We can’t cling to the past forever.”
“How can I be happy if I let go?” Hayato asked with tears in his eyes. “You’re the only thing I want but if I let go I might lose you.”
“Hayato, things were different for us. You were trapped but Jin can have the entire world if he wishes to have it. That could mean that he will leave and that things come to an end, but if it doesn’t it will mean so much more.”
“This is so easy for you, isn’t it? Maybe you never loved me as much as I loved you.”
Ryu pulled his hand away from Hayato’s cheek as if he’d been burnt. He looked at Hayato filled with disbelief that he could say such a thing. Wasn’t Ryu the one who’d seen no meaning in living in a world without Hayato? Of course now Ryu knew that suicide was not the right choice but back then he hadn’t been able to go on.
“How dare you say that?” Ryu frowned. “I loved you more than anything. Before I met you I thought that I was incapable of loving. I even hated myself, my parents and everyone in the fake life that I had. But you know what? I love Kazuya, he’s everything I couldn’t be back then and I love Jin because even though he’s not as sure as himself as you always were, he stands in front of thousands of people and he shines brighter than any other star.”
Never before had Ryu spoken as much as he had this morning. He was shocked by his own words and he saw it reflected in Hayato’s face. For a moment both of them were silent as Hayato processed what Ryu had said.
“Do you love them more than me?” Hayato asked, looking down at the blue stripes of the bed sheet.
“No, Hayato, but what they have is more real than anything we could ever have”, Ryu said and Hayato looked at him with so much hurt that he hurried to explain. “You and I found each other in a world where we had nothing else. We were angry people, angry at the world and everyone around us. Our passion was a way of escaping, a way of hiding in a dream created by consuming lust and unrealistic fantasies. If we hadn’t been found out, it still couldn’t have lasted. We wouldn’t be able to hide forever and still say that we loved each other.”
“They’re hiding too. You say that what they have is more real but I can’t feel it. Jin just relies on me all the time.”
“Because you’re not giving him a chance, you can be very forceful. They have lives worth living and people who are important to them. At least they’re not hiding from family and friends. If I had been reincarnated in a female body, they would still have to keep their relationship a secret from the fans.”
Hayato sighed, defeated. He leaned his forehead against Ryu’s and closed his eyes. Tears slid down his cheeks and Ryu could feel tears of his own starting to fall. It wasn’t the end but that didn’t make it any easier.
“We had two more years than we should’ve had, that’s more than anyone else gets”, Ryu said, his voice trembling a bit. “Kazuya is amazing and so is Jin, no matter what you say.”
“I know, you’re right”, Hayato said. “I’m sorry for always being such an idiot.”
“It’s okay; it bought us some more time to speak to each other and to see each other’s faces.”
At that Hayato leaned back and opened his eyes, looking at Ryu intently even with the tears wanting to cloud his sight. They spent awhile just gazing at each other until they both seemed to reach an agreement without speaking.
“I love you, Ryu.”
“I love you too, Hayato.”
One last time they embraced and shared a kiss that tasted of salt. They sighed into each other’s mouths as they let go. Kazuya pulled away from Jin and got out of bed, getting dressed without looking at the singer. He felt empty and numb. Ryu had filled a bigger part of him than he’d thought, considering that his past self had mostly kept silent. Kazuya couldn’t even imagine how Jin must feel.
“Did he have to do it on our vacation?” Jin asked and Kazuya jumped a bit, startled.
“I suppose it was the only occasion we really have time for each other. We barely live in the same place anymore and when we do, we still don’t hang out much.”
“What am I supposed to do? It’s my job.”
“I wasn’t blaming you”, Kazuya said, turning around to look at Jin who still sat in bed. He noticed how lost Jin looked and it made his heart clench. “I work a lot too. I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad.”
“They’re really gone.”
“I know.”
“What are we going to do now?”
“I don’t know.”
Jin got up from the bed and grabbed some clothes that were hanging on a chair. “I’m going to take a shower.”
Kazuya sighed and sank down on the bed once Jin had left the bedroom. He thought that he knew what was going to happen next but he was going to let Jin reach a decision first. Much of what Ryu had thought and said was true, and Kazuya had known from the start that it would come to this. That didn’t mean that he was going to say it until it was the right time.
***
Breakfast was an awkward affair. Alice ate together with them and kept talking about how sad she was that they had to go home soon. She also asked them a bunch of questions about what their plans were when they’d returned to Japan. Jin was silent and pale, mumbling unintelligible things when he was expected to reply. Alice didn’t seem to mind as she was perfectly happy to speak enough for all three of them. She was a sweet girl and Kazuya would miss her but he wished that she’d shut up for once.
He felt worn out and he knew that Jin wanted peace and quiet to think about things. For Kazuya there wasn’t that much to think about. He preferred to wait with making plans and arrangements until he knew what Jin wanted. It wasn’t like he shaped his life around Jin, and he wouldn’t simply agree to whatever the singer wanted if it wasn’t also what he wanted. Nevertheless it still felt wrong to make plans so soon. They were a couple and they would come to an arrangement together.
“What do you want to do today?” Alice asked when all three of them had finished eating.
Pieces of toast were scattered all over Jin’s plate as he’d absentmindedly torn it apart instead of eating. Kazuya had kept staring at Jin’s hands the entire time, almost fascinated by his slender fingers. Oddly Kazuya hadn’t paid that much attention to Jin’s hands before.
“I think that we’re going to rest in the suite for awhile”, Jin said, the first understandable words he’d said during the entire breakfast. “Right, Kazuya?”
They looked at each other for a tense moment before Kazuya nodded. “Yeah, it feels like we haven’t had much time to relax during this vacation.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.” Alice looked so guilty that Kazuya felt really bad about his words.
“We had fun, really”, Jin said quickly. “Except for the whole ghost thing, hanging out with you has been awesome. I just need a bit of time on my own. It’s not about you.”
“I need time on my own too, but as Jin said, spending time with you is fun. Maybe we can later today before we have to leave.”
Alice looked back and forth between them and then nodded, smiling. “Later today.”
Jin and Kazuya returned to the suite and the moment the door closed behind them, the atmosphere grew really heavy. Kazuya knew that it was time to talk and he sat down on the sofa, Jin sitting down next to him. They stayed silent for quite a long time and Jin wouldn’t even look at Kazuya. It wasn’t unexpected but it still managed to make Kazuya tense.
“During our time here I’ve done quite a lot of thinking”, Jin said, finally breaking the silence. “I don’t know where I’m going with my career or anything in my life. I’ve just been going along with what others want, and I think it’s time for me to figure out what I want.”
“That sounds good”, Kazuya said and Jin frowned at him.
“The problem is that I need to be as alone as I possibly can while I work it out.” Jin had the kind of puppy eyes that made Kazuya want to hug him and smack him at the same time because it made things worse.
“I know, I’ve already understood that part.”
“And you’re not upset?” Jin asked. “Aren’t you going to protest?”
“Jin, I love you and I want to be with you but you can’t stay in this relationship if you’re not sure about anything. I guess you could but we’d both be uncomfortable with the situation. Being apart might mean that we can have something stronger in the future, but if that doesn’t happen… I won’t say that that’s fine too, but I don’t want you to be together with me because you think you have to thanks to some kind of destiny.”
“Why does it feel like you’ve thought about this more than I have?”
“You’re busier with work than what I am. Also, I’m pretty good at reading emotions even if the person isn’t aware of them”, Kazuya said. “Actually I think I need some time on my own too. Before I met you I spent most of my time in a cabin in the woods. It might be good for me to have some real independence for awhile now that I’m stronger.”
“Does that mean that you want to see if you can find a better boyfriend?”
“Yeah.”
They both grinned before quickly becoming serious again. It was strange that they could discuss such a serious topic in a very calm manner. The fact that Ryu and Hayato were gone had probably made them a bit numb. Kazuya thought that everything would feel much worse after having been back in Japan for a few days - everything would feel more real then.
“I guess I’ll try to find a place of my own and move out of the mansion as soon as possible once we get back”, Kazuya said.
“No, you should stay in the mansion”, Jin said.
“If we’re taking a break, we can’t still live in the same building no matter how big it is”, Kazuya said, feeling confused.
“I mean, the mansion is yours; I’ll move to the apartment in Tokyo permanently.”
Kazuya stared at Jin, mouth hanging open. “You can’t be serious. You paid for it and most of the furniture. It’s definitely not mine.”
“If you’d like I can sell the furniture and let you pay a symbolic sum but the mansion is yours, Kazuya”, Jin said with an expression that clearly showed that he was serious. “When I bought it, I had some nonsensical dream about getting married and having twenty kids. Frankly I don’t even have time to clean all of the rooms and the garden is a mess. It’s far too big and I was murdered there in a past life. It’s never felt like home to me. The mansion is yours to do whatever you please with, keep it or sell it or whatever.”
Kazuya still felt stunned but what Jin said made sense. The mansion had always felt more like his; he loved mowing the lawn and tidying up in one room each day he had time to spare. Jin complained about spiders both outside and inside and always wanted to be close to Kazuya so he wouldn’t feel lonely.
“I’ll definitely pay you”, Kazuya said. “You’re not rich enough to give me such an expensive gift.”
“As you wish”, Jin said with a small smile. “Is it weird that we’re breaking up with each other and neither of us is crying?”
“I can cry if you want me to.”
“Please don’t.”
Kazuya nodded and they sat in silence for a moment. Crying could come later when they weren’t in a foreign land with a day left to spend largely at the airport. They could spend a bit more time being the best of friends, before they would part ways in hope of finding a future in which both of them could be happy. Kazuya really didn’t know if that future would entail them being a couple again, or if it was over forever. He did know that with a bond like theirs they were bound to at least be friends.
The thought that he might never be Jin’s boyfriend again made him feel a pang in his heart. He realised that he really did want to cry. It would only make it harder for the both of them, though, so he held back the tears.
“It’s all about letting go, isn’t it?” Kazuya said and Jin looked at him questioningly. “First the spirits, then Ryu and Hayato and now the two of us. Sometimes letting go is the only right option. Maybe that’s why I can be so calm about this; I tell ghosts to let go all of the time and when they do, they go to a better place.”
“Yeah, your life will be better without me”, Jin said and Kazuya bumped their shoulders together.
“That’s not what I meant”, he said.
“I know.”
“Want to go spend time with Alice before we have to leave?”
“Not yet.”
Their hands joined with fingers interlaced in silent agreement. For now they would sit together and enjoy one of their last truly quiet moments together in a possibly very long time. They didn’t have to let go just yet.
---
A/N: Please don't kill me yet because there's an epilogue left after this. If you kill me you'll never get to read the epilogue.
I just thought I should mention: this was written before Jin got married and real life events have no relevance in this fic. It has no effect whatsoever on the plot and I was in the middle of writing the epilogue when it was announced. I keep reality and fiction very much separate from each other.
Author: phoenix_zeal
Pairing: Akame, HayaRyu
Rating: R
Genre: Angst, Romance, Ghost Story
Disclaimer: I do not make any profit from this.
Beta: Myself
Summary: It had been a couple of years since Jin and Kazuya met. The mansion was no longer haunted and their relationship seemed strong. Then they got an opportunity to live in a Scottish castle for awhile. Everything seemed to be normal at first but then odd things began to happen.
Warnings: Mentions of suicide [Non-descriptive]
Notes: Sequel to Reflections. When Jin and Kazuya are around the British characters they're speaking English unless specified otherwise. They speak Japanese when they're alone.
Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5
A lot of times Kazuya wouldn’t bother with trying to figure out the whole story. He would just act on emotions that he picked up, and the things that the ghosts were willing to tell him, to bring them peace. At times like this it was almost necessary to know more as there was more than one ghost involved. The research had been misleading, though, both for him and, to some extent, even to one of the spirits.
So many of his initial guesses had been wrong and the truth made him feel weary. Was there a meaning to life, and death, or were people just living without a bigger plan? The existence of Jin and himself made him think that there had to be some kind of destiny, a reason to why they looked almost exactly like they’d done in their past lives. There had to be someone who planned everything and made everyone’s life meaningful.
“I have a question”, Jin said when they’d almost reached the bottom of the stairs. “Didn’t Margaret jump with Eliza through one of the windows?”
“I thought so too but apparently the accidents were just accidents”, Kazuya said. “Margaret didn’t have to create a barrier because they weren’t doing any harm to the people living here.”
“Why didn’t you tell her?”
“It would’ve made it more difficult to get her to let go. Actually, her feelings and the energy she created by thinking that Eliza was evil and a murderer made most of the damage.”
“So if something would stop a ghost from moving on, you keep it from them and lie to them? You’re manipulating them.”
Kazuya frowned, not liking the way Jin had said it. “I guess you could say that but I am helping them. They get peace because I tell them what they need to hear.” He could tell that Jin wanted to say something but they had just reached the door to Alice’s room. “This might be a bit scary but please stay calm.”
Jin nodded in reply and Kazuya opened the door. They were dripping all over the floor, but Kazuya paid no attention to it as he approached the girl in the middle of the room. She looked at him with empty eyes as he knelt down in front of her.
“Do you want to play?” Kazuya asked calmly and she nodded, showing her teeth in what was probably a smile. “There is a place you can go where no one will lock you up or tell you what to do. You will have many things to play with and your sister is there. Do you want to go?”
Eliza tilted her head as she listened to him and hesitated a bit when he was done. Kazuya was worried that she wouldn’t go. Not because she’d do much damage if she stayed, but because everyone deserved peace. When people died they weren’t supposed to stay somewhere between the physical world and the afterlife, stuck in the same way forever. People could go on to the afterlife and come back to watch over their relatives from time to time, but that was different; they were able to move on and get peace.
Kazuya breathed a sigh of relief when Eliza nodded. She looked over his shoulder and a light that hadn’t been there before was visible in her eyes. Without looking at Jin and Kazuya, she jumped up and ran to somewhere they couldn’t see.
“That was much easier than I thought it would be”, Jin said.
“It’s all about letting go”, Kazuya said. “Most of the time they want to but they feel like someone has to give them permission to do so.”
“Letting go, huh?” Jin sighed. “Can we go dry off now? I’m practically freezing.”
“Of course.”
Kazuya noticed that he was actually cold too. Now that he didn’t have his job to focus on he had to listen to his own body again. They returned to the suite to change into dry clothes before walking down to the dining hall to eat lunch. The three McGregors joined them to listen to who the ghosts had been and why they’d haunted the castle. Alice looked at Kazuya with shining eyes the whole time, as if he was some kind of hero for figuring things out and giving the ghosts peace. It made him uncomfortable and he noticed that Jin was quiet during the entire lunch. Perhaps it wasn’t related but it made Kazuya a bit worried.
“Will you spend the afternoon together with me?” Alice asked. “Now that you’ve helped us with both the fake haunting and the real one, you have time for some fun, right?”
“That would be nice”, Kazuya said with a smile. “Jin, will you join us?”
“Yeah, sure.” Jin’s smile was a bit strained but Kazuya said nothing about it.
The rain had stopped so they, or Alice mostly, decided that they would go riding first. Honestly Kazuya was a bit tired but he didn’t want to be rude and refuse. James had invited them there for his daughter’s sake and Kazuya really did like her.
After riding for a couple of hours, Alice asked one of the staff to act as a photographer so she’d have plenty of pictures of herself together with two of her idols. Jin had brightened up during the ride and all three of them laughed and joked around. Kazuya figured that Jin had just felt a bit gloomy after finding out the story behind the girls’ deaths, and that it was all right now. The rest of the evening passed by with good company and good food.
***
It was the last day of their vacation. After the quite eventful first days they’d had a couple of calm ones. Their flight was in the evening and it was now early morning. It was a lovely day with sunshine and chirping birds. Kazuya opened his eyes. He felt a bit confused, as if he’d been having a strange dream that was at the back of his mind but he couldn’t quite remember.
Kazuya, Ryu said and Kazuya frowned, wondering if it was his past self that had woke him up. I’m sorry about this but I’m going to have to take control over your body for awhile. I want you to be awake for this.
What are you talking about? Kazuya thought. What are you going to do?
You’ll see. Trust me, please.
Kazuya knew that Ryu wouldn’t ask him unless it was important so he allowed for the other to take control. Ryu knew what he had to do, he’d been thinking about it for a long time but he’d allowed himself to wait. Perhaps it had been wrong of him but he was only human. He thought that he had a greater chance of convincing Hayato now than he would’ve a couple of years ago.
Ryu looked at Jin who was in bed next to him, still sleeping. He was very fond of Jin, not only because he was the reincarnation of Hayato. Jin was a generous and kind person who could achieve anything that he wanted; the problem was that he didn’t know that. Ryu had seen Jin getting increasingly lost over the past two years and it pained him.
Hayato had always been a strong personality and he held a power over people that he wasn’t aware of. While Ryu had tried to stay back as much as possible after the first exhilarating weeks, letting Kazuya do his own thing without his influence, Hayato hadn’t shown such restraint. It was clear that Jin didn’t know who he was or what he wanted anymore, and Ryu couldn’t just watch and let that happen. As much as he loved Hayato and he enjoyed getting to see things from his perspective, the way he had been before he died, it just wasn’t right. It wasn’t natural and it wasn’t the way reincarnation was supposed to work.
“Jin, Hayato, wake up”, Ryu said and gently caressed Jin’s cheek.
Jin’s eyes opened and he looked at Ryu blearily. “You again.”
“Yes, me again.” Ryu smiled slightly. “I have to speak to Hayato.”
“Then I can sleep again.”
“No, I want you to hear it too, Kazuya is already awake.”
Jin looked concerned and he sat up so he wouldn’t be cross-eyed from looking at Ryu from such a short distance. He seemed to realise that it was serious and he nodded slowly. His attention turned inwards and then a very sleepy Hayato appeared.
“What is it?” Hayato asked, yawning. “I haven’t seen you in awhile, you always say no when I want to be with you.”
“You know why”, Ryu said, sitting up and was instantly kissed by a very eager Hayato. He allowed himself to enjoy it for a moment before he drew back. “I need to speak to you.”
“Can’t it wait until after sex and breakfast?” Hayato asked, kissing Ryu’s shoulder.
“Hayato, I’m serious. There’s something really important that we have to talk about.”
Hayato looked at him sharply. “I’m not going to like this, am I?”
“I’m leaving.”
“What? I don’t understand. It’s Kazuya’s body, you can’t just leave with it. I mean, you could but it would be a bit rude. Don’t you like Scotland?”
Ryu sighed; Hayato always had to complicate things by acting stupid when he actually wasn’t. Whenever he wanted to avoid facing difficult things he would do that. Sometimes it was charming but now it was just frustrating.
“We’ve stayed for too long”, Ryu said. “Hayato, these aren’t our bodies, you said it yourself. All that’s left of our own bodies are ashes. Kazuya and Jin share our souls and they look like us but they don’t have our minds. We are not supposed to be here.”
“If we’re not supposed to be here, then why are we? I don’t want to die again. I don’t want to disappear.”
Hayato looked so full of desperation that Ryu almost regretted his decision, but he knew that it was the right thing to do. He didn’t want to disappear either but he already knew that he wouldn’t, not really. Kazuya was Ryu, albeit a new and different version of him. A stronger, more intelligent version of him that he was proud of and had the outmost faith in.
“We won’t die and we won’t disappear”, Ryu said, placing his hand on Hayato’s cheek. “Unlike most people, we already know what happens to us. They’re right here, Hayato, and they’re fantastic people. We were young and stupid and we had a tragic end but that won’t happen to them. You know that we’re only stopping them from reaching their full potential by staying, we’re hindering ourselves. We have to let go to let them be happy. We can’t cling to the past forever.”
“How can I be happy if I let go?” Hayato asked with tears in his eyes. “You’re the only thing I want but if I let go I might lose you.”
“Hayato, things were different for us. You were trapped but Jin can have the entire world if he wishes to have it. That could mean that he will leave and that things come to an end, but if it doesn’t it will mean so much more.”
“This is so easy for you, isn’t it? Maybe you never loved me as much as I loved you.”
Ryu pulled his hand away from Hayato’s cheek as if he’d been burnt. He looked at Hayato filled with disbelief that he could say such a thing. Wasn’t Ryu the one who’d seen no meaning in living in a world without Hayato? Of course now Ryu knew that suicide was not the right choice but back then he hadn’t been able to go on.
“How dare you say that?” Ryu frowned. “I loved you more than anything. Before I met you I thought that I was incapable of loving. I even hated myself, my parents and everyone in the fake life that I had. But you know what? I love Kazuya, he’s everything I couldn’t be back then and I love Jin because even though he’s not as sure as himself as you always were, he stands in front of thousands of people and he shines brighter than any other star.”
Never before had Ryu spoken as much as he had this morning. He was shocked by his own words and he saw it reflected in Hayato’s face. For a moment both of them were silent as Hayato processed what Ryu had said.
“Do you love them more than me?” Hayato asked, looking down at the blue stripes of the bed sheet.
“No, Hayato, but what they have is more real than anything we could ever have”, Ryu said and Hayato looked at him with so much hurt that he hurried to explain. “You and I found each other in a world where we had nothing else. We were angry people, angry at the world and everyone around us. Our passion was a way of escaping, a way of hiding in a dream created by consuming lust and unrealistic fantasies. If we hadn’t been found out, it still couldn’t have lasted. We wouldn’t be able to hide forever and still say that we loved each other.”
“They’re hiding too. You say that what they have is more real but I can’t feel it. Jin just relies on me all the time.”
“Because you’re not giving him a chance, you can be very forceful. They have lives worth living and people who are important to them. At least they’re not hiding from family and friends. If I had been reincarnated in a female body, they would still have to keep their relationship a secret from the fans.”
Hayato sighed, defeated. He leaned his forehead against Ryu’s and closed his eyes. Tears slid down his cheeks and Ryu could feel tears of his own starting to fall. It wasn’t the end but that didn’t make it any easier.
“We had two more years than we should’ve had, that’s more than anyone else gets”, Ryu said, his voice trembling a bit. “Kazuya is amazing and so is Jin, no matter what you say.”
“I know, you’re right”, Hayato said. “I’m sorry for always being such an idiot.”
“It’s okay; it bought us some more time to speak to each other and to see each other’s faces.”
At that Hayato leaned back and opened his eyes, looking at Ryu intently even with the tears wanting to cloud his sight. They spent awhile just gazing at each other until they both seemed to reach an agreement without speaking.
“I love you, Ryu.”
“I love you too, Hayato.”
One last time they embraced and shared a kiss that tasted of salt. They sighed into each other’s mouths as they let go. Kazuya pulled away from Jin and got out of bed, getting dressed without looking at the singer. He felt empty and numb. Ryu had filled a bigger part of him than he’d thought, considering that his past self had mostly kept silent. Kazuya couldn’t even imagine how Jin must feel.
“Did he have to do it on our vacation?” Jin asked and Kazuya jumped a bit, startled.
“I suppose it was the only occasion we really have time for each other. We barely live in the same place anymore and when we do, we still don’t hang out much.”
“What am I supposed to do? It’s my job.”
“I wasn’t blaming you”, Kazuya said, turning around to look at Jin who still sat in bed. He noticed how lost Jin looked and it made his heart clench. “I work a lot too. I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad.”
“They’re really gone.”
“I know.”
“What are we going to do now?”
“I don’t know.”
Jin got up from the bed and grabbed some clothes that were hanging on a chair. “I’m going to take a shower.”
Kazuya sighed and sank down on the bed once Jin had left the bedroom. He thought that he knew what was going to happen next but he was going to let Jin reach a decision first. Much of what Ryu had thought and said was true, and Kazuya had known from the start that it would come to this. That didn’t mean that he was going to say it until it was the right time.
***
Breakfast was an awkward affair. Alice ate together with them and kept talking about how sad she was that they had to go home soon. She also asked them a bunch of questions about what their plans were when they’d returned to Japan. Jin was silent and pale, mumbling unintelligible things when he was expected to reply. Alice didn’t seem to mind as she was perfectly happy to speak enough for all three of them. She was a sweet girl and Kazuya would miss her but he wished that she’d shut up for once.
He felt worn out and he knew that Jin wanted peace and quiet to think about things. For Kazuya there wasn’t that much to think about. He preferred to wait with making plans and arrangements until he knew what Jin wanted. It wasn’t like he shaped his life around Jin, and he wouldn’t simply agree to whatever the singer wanted if it wasn’t also what he wanted. Nevertheless it still felt wrong to make plans so soon. They were a couple and they would come to an arrangement together.
“What do you want to do today?” Alice asked when all three of them had finished eating.
Pieces of toast were scattered all over Jin’s plate as he’d absentmindedly torn it apart instead of eating. Kazuya had kept staring at Jin’s hands the entire time, almost fascinated by his slender fingers. Oddly Kazuya hadn’t paid that much attention to Jin’s hands before.
“I think that we’re going to rest in the suite for awhile”, Jin said, the first understandable words he’d said during the entire breakfast. “Right, Kazuya?”
They looked at each other for a tense moment before Kazuya nodded. “Yeah, it feels like we haven’t had much time to relax during this vacation.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.” Alice looked so guilty that Kazuya felt really bad about his words.
“We had fun, really”, Jin said quickly. “Except for the whole ghost thing, hanging out with you has been awesome. I just need a bit of time on my own. It’s not about you.”
“I need time on my own too, but as Jin said, spending time with you is fun. Maybe we can later today before we have to leave.”
Alice looked back and forth between them and then nodded, smiling. “Later today.”
Jin and Kazuya returned to the suite and the moment the door closed behind them, the atmosphere grew really heavy. Kazuya knew that it was time to talk and he sat down on the sofa, Jin sitting down next to him. They stayed silent for quite a long time and Jin wouldn’t even look at Kazuya. It wasn’t unexpected but it still managed to make Kazuya tense.
“During our time here I’ve done quite a lot of thinking”, Jin said, finally breaking the silence. “I don’t know where I’m going with my career or anything in my life. I’ve just been going along with what others want, and I think it’s time for me to figure out what I want.”
“That sounds good”, Kazuya said and Jin frowned at him.
“The problem is that I need to be as alone as I possibly can while I work it out.” Jin had the kind of puppy eyes that made Kazuya want to hug him and smack him at the same time because it made things worse.
“I know, I’ve already understood that part.”
“And you’re not upset?” Jin asked. “Aren’t you going to protest?”
“Jin, I love you and I want to be with you but you can’t stay in this relationship if you’re not sure about anything. I guess you could but we’d both be uncomfortable with the situation. Being apart might mean that we can have something stronger in the future, but if that doesn’t happen… I won’t say that that’s fine too, but I don’t want you to be together with me because you think you have to thanks to some kind of destiny.”
“Why does it feel like you’ve thought about this more than I have?”
“You’re busier with work than what I am. Also, I’m pretty good at reading emotions even if the person isn’t aware of them”, Kazuya said. “Actually I think I need some time on my own too. Before I met you I spent most of my time in a cabin in the woods. It might be good for me to have some real independence for awhile now that I’m stronger.”
“Does that mean that you want to see if you can find a better boyfriend?”
“Yeah.”
They both grinned before quickly becoming serious again. It was strange that they could discuss such a serious topic in a very calm manner. The fact that Ryu and Hayato were gone had probably made them a bit numb. Kazuya thought that everything would feel much worse after having been back in Japan for a few days - everything would feel more real then.
“I guess I’ll try to find a place of my own and move out of the mansion as soon as possible once we get back”, Kazuya said.
“No, you should stay in the mansion”, Jin said.
“If we’re taking a break, we can’t still live in the same building no matter how big it is”, Kazuya said, feeling confused.
“I mean, the mansion is yours; I’ll move to the apartment in Tokyo permanently.”
Kazuya stared at Jin, mouth hanging open. “You can’t be serious. You paid for it and most of the furniture. It’s definitely not mine.”
“If you’d like I can sell the furniture and let you pay a symbolic sum but the mansion is yours, Kazuya”, Jin said with an expression that clearly showed that he was serious. “When I bought it, I had some nonsensical dream about getting married and having twenty kids. Frankly I don’t even have time to clean all of the rooms and the garden is a mess. It’s far too big and I was murdered there in a past life. It’s never felt like home to me. The mansion is yours to do whatever you please with, keep it or sell it or whatever.”
Kazuya still felt stunned but what Jin said made sense. The mansion had always felt more like his; he loved mowing the lawn and tidying up in one room each day he had time to spare. Jin complained about spiders both outside and inside and always wanted to be close to Kazuya so he wouldn’t feel lonely.
“I’ll definitely pay you”, Kazuya said. “You’re not rich enough to give me such an expensive gift.”
“As you wish”, Jin said with a small smile. “Is it weird that we’re breaking up with each other and neither of us is crying?”
“I can cry if you want me to.”
“Please don’t.”
Kazuya nodded and they sat in silence for a moment. Crying could come later when they weren’t in a foreign land with a day left to spend largely at the airport. They could spend a bit more time being the best of friends, before they would part ways in hope of finding a future in which both of them could be happy. Kazuya really didn’t know if that future would entail them being a couple again, or if it was over forever. He did know that with a bond like theirs they were bound to at least be friends.
The thought that he might never be Jin’s boyfriend again made him feel a pang in his heart. He realised that he really did want to cry. It would only make it harder for the both of them, though, so he held back the tears.
“It’s all about letting go, isn’t it?” Kazuya said and Jin looked at him questioningly. “First the spirits, then Ryu and Hayato and now the two of us. Sometimes letting go is the only right option. Maybe that’s why I can be so calm about this; I tell ghosts to let go all of the time and when they do, they go to a better place.”
“Yeah, your life will be better without me”, Jin said and Kazuya bumped their shoulders together.
“That’s not what I meant”, he said.
“I know.”
“Want to go spend time with Alice before we have to leave?”
“Not yet.”
Their hands joined with fingers interlaced in silent agreement. For now they would sit together and enjoy one of their last truly quiet moments together in a possibly very long time. They didn’t have to let go just yet.
---
A/N: Please don't kill me yet because there's an epilogue left after this. If you kill me you'll never get to read the epilogue.
I just thought I should mention: this was written before Jin got married and real life events have no relevance in this fic. It has no effect whatsoever on the plot and I was in the middle of writing the epilogue when it was announced. I keep reality and fiction very much separate from each other.