War in Me.
One minute I am in a good mood, the next, I'm not. I don't know what it is. Possibly the thought of why I am even here? Where am I going with my life? My body feels empty. There is something missing and I can't figure out what is wrong. I don't feel one minute the next I will. My emotions are really messed up. The stupidest thing could make me go off and the most effected thing won't.
Everything is the same. I work.. Work... Work...sit at home...see if my girlfriend is online.. and if Not I wait for her to get online... Since I can't really see her... its all I got... and its all I look forward to. But recently... I don't know, I feel like things have kind of come to a halt I guess. Its not necessarily her, its more of me. I'm doubting myself, I constantly make mistakes with everything. I feel wasted... I feel like im just a waste of space... It's time for Joe to question why he is in this world. What a pointless question to ask... I don't really think I will ever know the answer. I feel like I am losing my gf day by day, one day someone will sweep her off her feet when Im not looking. Its hard to maintain something 6 hours away. I'm afraid if I lose her I don't even have the will to go on in life. I feel like we barely talk anymore. Soon I'm afraid I'm not going to know you anymore. I won't even know how to react to that... I can't even responed to it. I think I will just hurl up into a ball and lay there for the rest of my life. I thought things were getting better with me, but there not. I'm having break downs when no one is around. I don't know whats wrong with me... There are so many different reasons to what it could be. I'm expecting something and I don't know what it is! For her to leave me? For me to die? For someone else to pass away??? I'm 20 years old and my body feels worn out right now. My eyes sting... and my temples hurt. And tomorrow I wake up and feel like a robot at work... I hate that feeling... I think I am destined to bitch for the rest of my life... Thats all I ever do. There is a constant war in my head... It's amazing isnt it? I can be such a nice guy... but on the inside its like bombs exploding and my head is constantly fighting with itself.
I wish I could fly... I would leap out my window on those beautiful nights nad sore through the sky looking down on everything... It would be like Peter Pan. I would sit on a cloud, and just ponder everything... That would be my special place. Instead im stuck at a computer desk... If I had the option I would steal Corinne for myself and show her my pondering spot... I'm sure she would like it alot.. heh. I still pray for me and her like crazy... I want to be with her so bad... but its so... difficult not seeing her. This is a tough challenge for me... Its not like I will go off and do something stupid... Its a challenge on my emotions. They constantly want her. There not satisfied with anything until its her. I know this because I am in a weird mood. My stomach acks of pain... The pain is missing her alot. I feel like I am lost without her and I really don't know how she feels back.. sometimes I am afraid I am to obsessive... I know I get like that. Its pathetic, I think I have taken this to a new level of Obsession.
I asked god for something, It was when my life was at one of its all time lows. I know he responded to it, and he gave it to me, but its now my responsbility to keep it. If I lose it it's my own fault. I asked for the one... And I was given her, but I can't just let everything sit there... I can't make stupid mistakes... I need to be responsible. I know that if I was with her now everything would be ok... she is like an angel, my angel... my soulmate, my one and only. I feel like I need to learn how to control my feelings, I need to start controlling alot of things. I kind of feel like I rambled on a little bit to much with this post tonight... I'll shut up now.
Everything is the same. I work.. Work... Work...sit at home...see if my girlfriend is online.. and if Not I wait for her to get online... Since I can't really see her... its all I got... and its all I look forward to. But recently... I don't know, I feel like things have kind of come to a halt I guess. Its not necessarily her, its more of me. I'm doubting myself, I constantly make mistakes with everything. I feel wasted... I feel like im just a waste of space... It's time for Joe to question why he is in this world. What a pointless question to ask... I don't really think I will ever know the answer. I feel like I am losing my gf day by day, one day someone will sweep her off her feet when Im not looking. Its hard to maintain something 6 hours away. I'm afraid if I lose her I don't even have the will to go on in life. I feel like we barely talk anymore. Soon I'm afraid I'm not going to know you anymore. I won't even know how to react to that... I can't even responed to it. I think I will just hurl up into a ball and lay there for the rest of my life. I thought things were getting better with me, but there not. I'm having break downs when no one is around. I don't know whats wrong with me... There are so many different reasons to what it could be. I'm expecting something and I don't know what it is! For her to leave me? For me to die? For someone else to pass away??? I'm 20 years old and my body feels worn out right now. My eyes sting... and my temples hurt. And tomorrow I wake up and feel like a robot at work... I hate that feeling... I think I am destined to bitch for the rest of my life... Thats all I ever do. There is a constant war in my head... It's amazing isnt it? I can be such a nice guy... but on the inside its like bombs exploding and my head is constantly fighting with itself.
I wish I could fly... I would leap out my window on those beautiful nights nad sore through the sky looking down on everything... It would be like Peter Pan. I would sit on a cloud, and just ponder everything... That would be my special place. Instead im stuck at a computer desk... If I had the option I would steal Corinne for myself and show her my pondering spot... I'm sure she would like it alot.. heh. I still pray for me and her like crazy... I want to be with her so bad... but its so... difficult not seeing her. This is a tough challenge for me... Its not like I will go off and do something stupid... Its a challenge on my emotions. They constantly want her. There not satisfied with anything until its her. I know this because I am in a weird mood. My stomach acks of pain... The pain is missing her alot. I feel like I am lost without her and I really don't know how she feels back.. sometimes I am afraid I am to obsessive... I know I get like that. Its pathetic, I think I have taken this to a new level of Obsession.
I asked god for something, It was when my life was at one of its all time lows. I know he responded to it, and he gave it to me, but its now my responsbility to keep it. If I lose it it's my own fault. I asked for the one... And I was given her, but I can't just let everything sit there... I can't make stupid mistakes... I need to be responsible. I know that if I was with her now everything would be ok... she is like an angel, my angel... my soulmate, my one and only. I feel like I need to learn how to control my feelings, I need to start controlling alot of things. I kind of feel like I rambled on a little bit to much with this post tonight... I'll shut up now.