(no subject)
It feels like an eternity since I last wrote my thoughts down. I can't even remember the last time I was brutally honest with myself. I'm thinking that now - I'm ready for it.
What is my problem?..
Why can't I just be happy? I just seem to make things fall apart. I ended my three year relationship. Something inside of me just couldn't do it anymore. Things had grown too comfortable. Nothing seemed to have meaning anymore. The passion wasn't there. The desire. The want. The need.. never arose. I can't live my life like that. I can't let things just fly past me, while I sit around waiting.
So, I ended it. Was it the right thing to do? I think so. Did I go about it the right way? Definitely not. Am I happier now? No.
Now - I seem to just hate myself. I hurt the person I loved, and still care about. I felt like things were stale and that I wasn't getting what I needed - so instead of talking about it, I simply went out and found it in someone else. Someone who doesn't really care if I'm there or not.
Funny thing is - I keep going back for more. It's like some sad sadistic move I have to make. The instant he shows any form of interest in me again, I go back. I know it's not good for me. But for some reason, I can't control myself around him. And it sucks. For someone who doesn't really care about me - he's the first person I've felt entirely comfortable around. I don't care what he'll think. Of me, of what I say, the way I act. I don't feel self-conscious when I'm with him. I don't worry about how I look. I just enjoy the moment. I just.. wish the moment wasn't just every now and again.
I have regrets. Of things I've done in my past. People I've left behind. People I care so deeply for. I guess that's finally turning on me. I don't really have anyone, anymore. And why? I don't know. Maybe I'm too self-involved. Maybe it's because I can't be happy with myself - why would other people want to be around that?
It would be nice.. just for one day.. to be honestly happy with myself. To like who I am. To be happy with the decisions I've made in life. I'm sure it will happen one day. I think that's the only way I get by. Thinking that every day I get through, is another day closer to happiness.
For now though? Life's just stagnant. Stale. I'm trying to be happy with it. But I want more.
I always want more.
What is my problem?..
Why can't I just be happy? I just seem to make things fall apart. I ended my three year relationship. Something inside of me just couldn't do it anymore. Things had grown too comfortable. Nothing seemed to have meaning anymore. The passion wasn't there. The desire. The want. The need.. never arose. I can't live my life like that. I can't let things just fly past me, while I sit around waiting.
So, I ended it. Was it the right thing to do? I think so. Did I go about it the right way? Definitely not. Am I happier now? No.
Now - I seem to just hate myself. I hurt the person I loved, and still care about. I felt like things were stale and that I wasn't getting what I needed - so instead of talking about it, I simply went out and found it in someone else. Someone who doesn't really care if I'm there or not.
Funny thing is - I keep going back for more. It's like some sad sadistic move I have to make. The instant he shows any form of interest in me again, I go back. I know it's not good for me. But for some reason, I can't control myself around him. And it sucks. For someone who doesn't really care about me - he's the first person I've felt entirely comfortable around. I don't care what he'll think. Of me, of what I say, the way I act. I don't feel self-conscious when I'm with him. I don't worry about how I look. I just enjoy the moment. I just.. wish the moment wasn't just every now and again.
I have regrets. Of things I've done in my past. People I've left behind. People I care so deeply for. I guess that's finally turning on me. I don't really have anyone, anymore. And why? I don't know. Maybe I'm too self-involved. Maybe it's because I can't be happy with myself - why would other people want to be around that?
It would be nice.. just for one day.. to be honestly happy with myself. To like who I am. To be happy with the decisions I've made in life. I'm sure it will happen one day. I think that's the only way I get by. Thinking that every day I get through, is another day closer to happiness.
For now though? Life's just stagnant. Stale. I'm trying to be happy with it. But I want more.
I always want more.