~So I swallowed the shame and I waited...~
Wow. This is my first unlocked entry in a very long time, but it was necessary on a few levels. I’ve been alone for the last two weeks. And I’ve used this time to really sit down and think about so many things. I needed this quiet more than anyone could ever know, and I think I have benefited, and will continue to benefit, from it.
First, I would like to say that I’ve thought about a lot of crappy things I’ve been through over the last couple years. I guess I realize that we all go through our shitty times, and we’re all affected in some way, some worse than others. I suppose I was one of the ones that allowed themselves to be hurt over and over again. This isn’t something I did intentionally, but I did it nonetheless. What I am trying to get at is this… I shouldn’t have let myself be overtaken by these things for this long.
You know, I say to myself so often, “Sarah, you really need to let all pf this go, or you are gonna die from it.”, and believe me, there are parts of me that have died with it, but not the good parts, they’re still in here.
And I know there are some people out there that think the worst of me, and some have reason, but there are times when I wish they could have known the real me, the me that is actually a lot of fun. I know I can be a real bitch sometimes, but most of the time I’m not so bad.
I never regret anything, and to say I would go back and change things would be a lie, because who knows where I’d be right now if I did. But I suppose I wish that making amends for a lot of situations was in the cards, but I’m logical, and I know that isn’t entirely possible. I have tried on different occasions to apologize, but I think I knew they were in vain. The truth about that though, is that I would mean it if I could get some sort of response back.
I know we are all human, and we all get hurt by words, by actions, by little indiscretions, but we’re all getting older, and moving into places where these things shouldn’t carry out the way they do now. There are so many mature conversations that should have been had, that weren’t, and I think it’s because of that, so many things have grown into catalysts. So now, the slightest mention sets us all off.
I am aware that I’ve carried it out for the duration, and tend to draw everyone else in with me, and I am making an honest effort to let it go.
In short, I just want to move passed all of this. I want everyone who deserves it to know that I apologize for my acts of “insanity”, as some would call it. There is a part of me that would like to hear it in return, but I am not holding my breath.
Now this is as honest as I get, and I hope everyone can see that.
After this, I’ve got no more.
First, I would like to say that I’ve thought about a lot of crappy things I’ve been through over the last couple years. I guess I realize that we all go through our shitty times, and we’re all affected in some way, some worse than others. I suppose I was one of the ones that allowed themselves to be hurt over and over again. This isn’t something I did intentionally, but I did it nonetheless. What I am trying to get at is this… I shouldn’t have let myself be overtaken by these things for this long.
You know, I say to myself so often, “Sarah, you really need to let all pf this go, or you are gonna die from it.”, and believe me, there are parts of me that have died with it, but not the good parts, they’re still in here.
And I know there are some people out there that think the worst of me, and some have reason, but there are times when I wish they could have known the real me, the me that is actually a lot of fun. I know I can be a real bitch sometimes, but most of the time I’m not so bad.
I never regret anything, and to say I would go back and change things would be a lie, because who knows where I’d be right now if I did. But I suppose I wish that making amends for a lot of situations was in the cards, but I’m logical, and I know that isn’t entirely possible. I have tried on different occasions to apologize, but I think I knew they were in vain. The truth about that though, is that I would mean it if I could get some sort of response back.
I know we are all human, and we all get hurt by words, by actions, by little indiscretions, but we’re all getting older, and moving into places where these things shouldn’t carry out the way they do now. There are so many mature conversations that should have been had, that weren’t, and I think it’s because of that, so many things have grown into catalysts. So now, the slightest mention sets us all off.
I am aware that I’ve carried it out for the duration, and tend to draw everyone else in with me, and I am making an honest effort to let it go.
In short, I just want to move passed all of this. I want everyone who deserves it to know that I apologize for my acts of “insanity”, as some would call it. There is a part of me that would like to hear it in return, but I am not holding my breath.
Now this is as honest as I get, and I hope everyone can see that.
After this, I’ve got no more.