(no subject)
I just had a huge breakdown. Instead of continuing to clean my shithole of a house, I'm wasting time on the internet. Good plan, really. Brooke should be on her way by now. I'm supposed to pick a place to eat... but that's hard b/c we don't really go out to restaurants much. Ok, she just called. She should be here around 2.
I want to run. I want to hide. My house hasn't been a good situation for months, and I suppose it just caught up w/ me. How the fuck do I always end up in these situations? College first, and now. Home is supposed to be a place where you can unwind from work. Lately though, I find relief by going to work... fucked up.
I really just need to live on my own... At least if things get bad when I'm by myself, I have nobody to blame but me. I wouldn't be a bother to other people, and nobody would bother me. Perfect. Except that I know I would get lonely, and I couldn't do it financially anyway.
I can't be a rock anymore. Time has taken it's toll. I was always weak... now it's worse.
I can't win. On one hand, and I feel like a burden. On another hand, I let people walk all over me. B/c I'm going to post this, this must be a cry for help. Yet the last thing I want is human contact. I don't want people worrying about me. So what's the point of all this?
I really don't know. Maybe it's a warning. Maybe this was all I'll need to feel better. Maybe this is the start of fixing things. Maybe it's the beginning of the end.
I want to run. I want to hide. My house hasn't been a good situation for months, and I suppose it just caught up w/ me. How the fuck do I always end up in these situations? College first, and now. Home is supposed to be a place where you can unwind from work. Lately though, I find relief by going to work... fucked up.
I really just need to live on my own... At least if things get bad when I'm by myself, I have nobody to blame but me. I wouldn't be a bother to other people, and nobody would bother me. Perfect. Except that I know I would get lonely, and I couldn't do it financially anyway.
I can't be a rock anymore. Time has taken it's toll. I was always weak... now it's worse.
I can't win. On one hand, and I feel like a burden. On another hand, I let people walk all over me. B/c I'm going to post this, this must be a cry for help. Yet the last thing I want is human contact. I don't want people worrying about me. So what's the point of all this?
I really don't know. Maybe it's a warning. Maybe this was all I'll need to feel better. Maybe this is the start of fixing things. Maybe it's the beginning of the end.