i never post here
but i will today.
so i think ive decided to go back to DC. "think" because i need to find out what greg wants.
i know, i know. he told crystal (tell me why i had hella trouble typing her name right now!?) that he'd like to see me again, but...
its complicated.
i had an awesome last couple of days with him, he's such a sweetheart &just truly an amazing guy (apparently he hasn't been told that enough). we both knew that nothing could really happen, but... it wasnt a random hookup either. it just felt different, yknow?
i told him, though, "dont think that im really that naive, i dont think that youre the man of my dreams or my soulmate or anything," and it's true. im not in love with him, i hardly had enough time to find enough emotions to love him, but i really do care about him. even as we lay in the hammock just talking, it was like, "wow, this guy really is amazing," but in the understanding, deep sense. i didnt want to push for something he wasn't ready for, because we were talking about his ex and his life and everything. and i know how easy it is to open up to smoeone you dont have to see everyday or that yo know you won't have to answer to later. i was okay with being that person. (and then we kissed and that changed, but whatever.) but he was just someone i felt i clicked with right away. you rarely find those people but its really good when you do. but now what happens?
i bought my ticket back already, but when i talk to him, i wont tell him that. ill tell him that im still up in the air about it because i want to make sure he's comfortable with it. we need to be able to define some things. can we do a relationship? no. we're across the country from each other. personally could i do it? yeah. but i wouldnt ask him to. i couldn't. and i won't. but honestly i do think that if we had way more time together (than just 4 days) that it could be more, just emotionally i think it would happen. but its not what he's ready for, and like i said- i cant ask that of him. but if we were in the same city (or at least the same TIME ZONE, jeez) it could/would happen.
i dunno. im rambling. i know.
i want to go back and just... be with him. i think it would be... not easier to walk away... but like... itll be a closure type thing. we'll know how much time we have together, and thatll be that. it won't be a random fling but it wont be a committment either. itll just be enjoying whatever happens.
but honestly, i dont know if he'll be able to. not talking him down or anything like that, but i dont want to make a hard situation even harder. and if thats what my presence would do than i dont want to do that. leaving twice is harder than leaving just once. i dont want to make it sound like itll be easier for me like i care forh im less than he does me or anything like that at all, its nowhere near that but... im willing to enjoy 4 more days and savour that than the 7 previous, yknow?
ugh... rawr. blah.
even if i go back and he's like "no, lets just chill and hang out" id be good with that. id be happy with it because i do want to keep in touch with him and be a good friend to him. he said its a lot easier to be open with someone you dont have to see everyday cuz you can't see that judgment in their eyes, and thats true. maybe thatll give him room to open up to me. who knows. if nothing else id want a friendship with him.
i dont know what else to ramble about on this subject.
we'll see what happens.
now i just need to wait till he calls.
if he calls.
if not... then i guess im not going to DC.
and that would break my heart a little. but its okay.
its time for the waiting game....
so i think ive decided to go back to DC. "think" because i need to find out what greg wants.
i know, i know. he told crystal (tell me why i had hella trouble typing her name right now!?) that he'd like to see me again, but...
its complicated.
i had an awesome last couple of days with him, he's such a sweetheart &just truly an amazing guy (apparently he hasn't been told that enough). we both knew that nothing could really happen, but... it wasnt a random hookup either. it just felt different, yknow?
i told him, though, "dont think that im really that naive, i dont think that youre the man of my dreams or my soulmate or anything," and it's true. im not in love with him, i hardly had enough time to find enough emotions to love him, but i really do care about him. even as we lay in the hammock just talking, it was like, "wow, this guy really is amazing," but in the understanding, deep sense. i didnt want to push for something he wasn't ready for, because we were talking about his ex and his life and everything. and i know how easy it is to open up to smoeone you dont have to see everyday or that yo know you won't have to answer to later. i was okay with being that person. (and then we kissed and that changed, but whatever.) but he was just someone i felt i clicked with right away. you rarely find those people but its really good when you do. but now what happens?
i bought my ticket back already, but when i talk to him, i wont tell him that. ill tell him that im still up in the air about it because i want to make sure he's comfortable with it. we need to be able to define some things. can we do a relationship? no. we're across the country from each other. personally could i do it? yeah. but i wouldnt ask him to. i couldn't. and i won't. but honestly i do think that if we had way more time together (than just 4 days) that it could be more, just emotionally i think it would happen. but its not what he's ready for, and like i said- i cant ask that of him. but if we were in the same city (or at least the same TIME ZONE, jeez) it could/would happen.
i dunno. im rambling. i know.
i want to go back and just... be with him. i think it would be... not easier to walk away... but like... itll be a closure type thing. we'll know how much time we have together, and thatll be that. it won't be a random fling but it wont be a committment either. itll just be enjoying whatever happens.
but honestly, i dont know if he'll be able to. not talking him down or anything like that, but i dont want to make a hard situation even harder. and if thats what my presence would do than i dont want to do that. leaving twice is harder than leaving just once. i dont want to make it sound like itll be easier for me like i care forh im less than he does me or anything like that at all, its nowhere near that but... im willing to enjoy 4 more days and savour that than the 7 previous, yknow?
ugh... rawr. blah.
even if i go back and he's like "no, lets just chill and hang out" id be good with that. id be happy with it because i do want to keep in touch with him and be a good friend to him. he said its a lot easier to be open with someone you dont have to see everyday cuz you can't see that judgment in their eyes, and thats true. maybe thatll give him room to open up to me. who knows. if nothing else id want a friendship with him.
i dont know what else to ramble about on this subject.
we'll see what happens.
now i just need to wait till he calls.
if he calls.
if not... then i guess im not going to DC.
and that would break my heart a little. but its okay.
its time for the waiting game....