"It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then." - Lewis Carroll
I think it's getting easier to distinguish between illusions and reality, but that doesn't make this whole situation any easier. Having all this time in the hospital,where I am continually haunted by spectres of the past and present, the only things keeping me sane are hope and the occasional pleasant dream.
I've been told by the nurses that I babble sometimes, when I'm supposed to be sleeping. I find it amusing because if I have been doing such a thing Ryuzaki has not brought it up. He's not much of a talker anyway, but perhaps he doesn't want to embarrass me. There are things they've told me they've overheard me saying, names spoken in a whisper and lost on the wind, which I wonder about constantly.
Is this some sort of sign that I should drop the walls and let it all go on the hope that it makes everything easier with us? I'm notorious for being closed off, and I know exactly why but I don't know if it's too late or not. What do you think, since your opinion is the only one that matters? I keep thinking about certain aspects of the past, and wanting to tell you about them.
I'm not sure why I've kept it from you for so long, but for some reason I just believed that knowing about all that would change your view of me, make me somehow even less worthy of being around you even though I'm quite certain I've already destroyed any chances we might have ever had to be something more. It's not even that these are secrets that could cause hurt to anyone but me, just that the simple act of letting someone in seems more revealing than any lack of clothing ever could.
I want to tell you, and yet like the angel you are I know you're above me...do you even want to know?
...I'm rambling again, I should stop and make sure Ryuzaki is alright. Now that I'm staying dressed and he doesn't have to deal with my obvious fatness he seems calmer. He hates this place, even if they can heal the sickness. I hate this place as well, but I'll stay to make sure he's safe. Someone needs to keep him safe, and I can look out for both myself and him.
I've been told by the nurses that I babble sometimes, when I'm supposed to be sleeping. I find it amusing because if I have been doing such a thing Ryuzaki has not brought it up. He's not much of a talker anyway, but perhaps he doesn't want to embarrass me. There are things they've told me they've overheard me saying, names spoken in a whisper and lost on the wind, which I wonder about constantly.
Is this some sort of sign that I should drop the walls and let it all go on the hope that it makes everything easier with us? I'm notorious for being closed off, and I know exactly why but I don't know if it's too late or not. What do you think, since your opinion is the only one that matters? I keep thinking about certain aspects of the past, and wanting to tell you about them.
I'm not sure why I've kept it from you for so long, but for some reason I just believed that knowing about all that would change your view of me, make me somehow even less worthy of being around you even though I'm quite certain I've already destroyed any chances we might have ever had to be something more. It's not even that these are secrets that could cause hurt to anyone but me, just that the simple act of letting someone in seems more revealing than any lack of clothing ever could.
I want to tell you, and yet like the angel you are I know you're above me...do you even want to know?
...I'm rambling again, I should stop and make sure Ryuzaki is alright. Now that I'm staying dressed and he doesn't have to deal with my obvious fatness he seems calmer. He hates this place, even if they can heal the sickness. I hate this place as well, but I'll stay to make sure he's safe. Someone needs to keep him safe, and I can look out for both myself and him.