Fic; Twenty Five Things About Nathan's Beard You Should Know [Heroes, PG]
Title: Twenty Five Things About Nathan's Beard You Should Know (Plus One More and Several Edited Additions)
Author: sweetbelle07
Fandom: Heroes
Character(s): Nathan's Beard
Rating: PG
Summery: The title says it all.
A/N: I am going to hell for this. All of these are Chuck Norris-esque facts and pure crack. Spoilers up to Powerless. Updated on 3/31/08.
1.) Eighty four percent of people want to have sex with Nathan's Beard. The other sixteen percent are lost somewhere inside it.
....
So that's where Peter went!
2.) Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that says "WWNBD?"
(What Would Nathan's Beard Do? just for those who cannot understand acronyms. It's a sad affliction. We all feel for your pain.)
3.) Nathan's Beard does not sleep. It waits.
4.) Guns don't kill people. Nathan's beard kills people... by eating them.
5.) There is no chin under Nathan's Beard. It's just more Beard.
6.) Nathan's Beard once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
....
So that's where Niki went too!
7.) Nathan's Beard is the preferred method of execution in sixteen states.
8.) Contrary to popular belief, there is enough of Nathan's Beard to go around.
Seriously, have you seen that thing?
9.) Archaeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236.
It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Nathan's Beard"
We believe that Hiro went back in time to put the definition there to warn future generations about the Beard.
They didn't listen.
10.) If you Google Nathan's Beard, it will come out of your computer and eat you.
Try it.
I dare you.
ADDENDUM! You actually find your way back here.
Before it comes out to eat you.
11.) Nathan's Beard doesn't believe in Ireland.
So stop kissing the cavewoman and get back to America, Peter.
... I didn't mean that you should leave her in the future to be erased completely when you changed the course of history.
But that's that you did.
Oh well.
Gives you more time to serve the Beard with your dick.
12.) There is no such thing as global warming. It's just Nathan's Beard keeping in all the heat.
13.) Nathan's Beard destroyed the periodic table because it only believes in the element of "OMGWTFDIEDONYOURFACE?!"
14.) Nathan's Beard invented the internet. So it could store its Petrellicest porn.
15.) You can't ever find Waldo because he's hiding from Nathan's Beard.
16.) Nathan's Beard has a driver's license.
Yeah, try to wrap your mind around that one.
You can't. That's the entire point.
17.) Fact: Nathan's Beard doesn't consider it sex if the woman doesn't suffocate.
18.) 182,000 Americans die because of Nathan's Beard every year.
19.) Nathan's Beard was once in a knife fight. The knife lost.
20.) Aliens do exist. They just know better then to visit the planet that Nathan's Beard is on.
21.) We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Nathan's Beard.
22.) Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy. It's all controlled by Nathan's Beard. Why else do you think he won the election?
23.) If all the water trapped in Nathan's Beard after a shower was emptied into one spot, it would have a larger volume then the Indian Ocean.
24.) There are only two things that can cut diamonds; other diamonds and Nathan's Beard.
25.) If you spell Nathan's Beard in Scrabble, you win forever.
26.) Nathan wouldn't have been shot and ended the season in mortal peril (again) in Powerless if he still had the Beard because it would've deflected any and all bullets aimed at his person. The bullet probably would've traveled into Peter... but that's okay, because he can heal.
The following three facts have been contributed by kurukami. The Beard thanks her so for picking up the slack where I failed to do it complete justice.
Lost Beard Fact One: Nathan's Beard is so impressive, it is visible from space. It is also the only working missile shield ever developed. Possibly because, if left unchecked, it would easily devour the entire eastern seaboard.
Lost Beard Fact Two: If Nathan's Beard sent an envelope with insufficient postage, it would still get there. Regardless of where you try to hide. Yes, really. What, that doesn't make you feel more secure?
Lost Beard Fact Three: Nathan's Beard is left-handed. And right-handed. Let's face it, Nathan's Beard could be shaking hands with five different campaign contributors and kissing a dozen babies and groping Peter and Claire all at the same time, with enough manual dexterity left over to slurp down Sylar's ice cream. Seriously.
ETA! Nathan's Beard is so powerful, it broke threthiel9's html code.
It's also theorized that Nathan's Beard is actually where crack comes from. Said theory was put forth by darkbunnyrabbit who frequently uses the Beard crack.
ETA AGAIN! If Nathan's Beard went up against Chuck Norris, Nathan's Beard would pwn the pussy beard off Chuck Norris's face and then make it cry for its mommy.
ETA TIMES THREE*! Nathan's beard sneaks onto other networks and eats all the children. The Company is aware of this and uses the Haitian to keep people on other shows from noticing their kids have been replaced. Sometimes more than once.
This is especially true in the case of the Tall Walt.
*Fact put forth by darlas_mom. Lost joke is my own product.
Author: sweetbelle07
Fandom: Heroes
Character(s): Nathan's Beard
Rating: PG
Summery: The title says it all.
A/N: I am going to hell for this. All of these are Chuck Norris-esque facts and pure crack. Spoilers up to Powerless. Updated on 3/31/08.
1.) Eighty four percent of people want to have sex with Nathan's Beard. The other sixteen percent are lost somewhere inside it.
....
So that's where Peter went!
2.) Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that says "WWNBD?"
(What Would Nathan's Beard Do? just for those who cannot understand acronyms. It's a sad affliction. We all feel for your pain.)
3.) Nathan's Beard does not sleep. It waits.
4.) Guns don't kill people. Nathan's beard kills people... by eating them.
5.) There is no chin under Nathan's Beard. It's just more Beard.
6.) Nathan's Beard once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
....
So that's where Niki went too!
7.) Nathan's Beard is the preferred method of execution in sixteen states.
8.) Contrary to popular belief, there is enough of Nathan's Beard to go around.
Seriously, have you seen that thing?
9.) Archaeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236.
It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Nathan's Beard"
We believe that Hiro went back in time to put the definition there to warn future generations about the Beard.
They didn't listen.
10.) If you Google Nathan's Beard, it will come out of your computer and eat you.
Try it.
I dare you.
ADDENDUM! You actually find your way back here.
Before it comes out to eat you.
11.) Nathan's Beard doesn't believe in Ireland.
So stop kissing the cavewoman and get back to America, Peter.
... I didn't mean that you should leave her in the future to be erased completely when you changed the course of history.
But that's that you did.
Oh well.
Gives you more time to serve the Beard with your dick.
12.) There is no such thing as global warming. It's just Nathan's Beard keeping in all the heat.
13.) Nathan's Beard destroyed the periodic table because it only believes in the element of "OMGWTFDIEDONYOURFACE?!"
14.) Nathan's Beard invented the internet. So it could store its Petrellicest porn.
15.) You can't ever find Waldo because he's hiding from Nathan's Beard.
16.) Nathan's Beard has a driver's license.
Yeah, try to wrap your mind around that one.
You can't. That's the entire point.
17.) Fact: Nathan's Beard doesn't consider it sex if the woman doesn't suffocate.
18.) 182,000 Americans die because of Nathan's Beard every year.
19.) Nathan's Beard was once in a knife fight. The knife lost.
20.) Aliens do exist. They just know better then to visit the planet that Nathan's Beard is on.
21.) We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Nathan's Beard.
22.) Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy. It's all controlled by Nathan's Beard. Why else do you think he won the election?
23.) If all the water trapped in Nathan's Beard after a shower was emptied into one spot, it would have a larger volume then the Indian Ocean.
24.) There are only two things that can cut diamonds; other diamonds and Nathan's Beard.
25.) If you spell Nathan's Beard in Scrabble, you win forever.
26.) Nathan wouldn't have been shot and ended the season in mortal peril (again) in Powerless if he still had the Beard because it would've deflected any and all bullets aimed at his person. The bullet probably would've traveled into Peter... but that's okay, because he can heal.
The following three facts have been contributed by kurukami. The Beard thanks her so for picking up the slack where I failed to do it complete justice.
Lost Beard Fact One: Nathan's Beard is so impressive, it is visible from space. It is also the only working missile shield ever developed. Possibly because, if left unchecked, it would easily devour the entire eastern seaboard.
Lost Beard Fact Two: If Nathan's Beard sent an envelope with insufficient postage, it would still get there. Regardless of where you try to hide. Yes, really. What, that doesn't make you feel more secure?
Lost Beard Fact Three: Nathan's Beard is left-handed. And right-handed. Let's face it, Nathan's Beard could be shaking hands with five different campaign contributors and kissing a dozen babies and groping Peter and Claire all at the same time, with enough manual dexterity left over to slurp down Sylar's ice cream. Seriously.
ETA! Nathan's Beard is so powerful, it broke threthiel9's html code.
It's also theorized that Nathan's Beard is actually where crack comes from. Said theory was put forth by darkbunnyrabbit who frequently uses the Beard crack.
ETA AGAIN! If Nathan's Beard went up against Chuck Norris, Nathan's Beard would pwn the pussy beard off Chuck Norris's face and then make it cry for its mommy.
ETA TIMES THREE*! Nathan's beard sneaks onto other networks and eats all the children. The Company is aware of this and uses the Haitian to keep people on other shows from noticing their kids have been replaced. Sometimes more than once.
This is especially true in the case of the Tall Walt.
*Fact put forth by darlas_mom. Lost joke is my own product.