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I got some peoples attention about my last entry. well here is an attempt at an explanation.
I am finally living my life by my terms. I am finally loosening up and not judging others and feeling sad for them because they are doing "bad" things. Last year I was so up-tight. I was Insanely up-tight. I don't like the person that I was. I thought I was happy yes, but after awhile I realized I wasn't. So I changed. At first it was slowly, and then I got confidence and began to actually do things that I wanted to do. There were things that I wanted to experience but was always to afraid of others judgment to do them. Finally one day I broke down and said...I will never do the things that I want to do and will kick myself every time I don't. So I changed. I did what I wanted, and you know what? It made me happy. I was finally over Dustin and I wanted to celebrate. So I did. I felt free. Finally, I was free.
I didn't go to church three weeks in a row, and no one questioned me. lol. It was that easy to slip away, and it pissed me off. All the time I was at a certain youth group(no names will be mentioned), they talked about how so and so was drinking, no confidentiality or anything. They told the name and that they were drinking and having sex and that that person was falling. That we should pray for him...that was a joke. I think the problem was that it was so easy for him to fall, and that no one bothered to help him up. They just wanted to judge what he was doing, which pushed him further away I am sure. So anyways, my point is that I didn't go to church/youth group for two months after going back after a few weeks, and when I go back everyone acts like they are so happy to see me. Well, if you missed me so much, why didn't you call, or say anything to me. I only had like two people say anything and everyone else who acted like they missed me the most didn't question why I was even gone. I bet they didn't know that one night while they were at church, I was hiding in the basement from the police, and that I had been drinking. I bet they have no idea what i have been up to...lol
My best friend in the world let me slip away. I am sorry If I say anything mean about her, but I am angry at her. I slipped away, too easily. We still saw eacho ther and did things occasionally, but she always complained about her boyfriend, or whatever the hell he was.I got so sick of it. I remember one day I wanted to tell her something really important, and I was going to tell her but she started venting and telling me what was going on and how she was upset and asked for my advice. I never told her what I needed to...and I don't even remember what it was anymore.I didn't mind listening, but I listened to the same thing all the time and she didn't seem to want to listen to my advice. Neither did she ask how I was, or realize that I wanted to talk and that I had stuff on my mind, and that it wasn't about boys.
I don't want a boyfriend who wants to be with me for the rest of his life, or that wants a long term relationship. I want a boyfriend that I can be friends with and kiss, and just have a great time with...nothing too serious. All the guys that I attract get too clingy and it just annoys me. So I dated this guy and he was pretty awesome. He made me feel good about myself and he gave me confidence. He told me what I needed to hear, even if I didn't like it and well, he made me smile and laugh. I hadn't laughed in a long time. I brought in the new year making out with a guy...and prior to that I went on a date with a different guy. It was fun, and I don't think I was being unfair to either of them...
I do not need judgement...I do not need anyone telling me how do things. That makes me angry, that makes me bitter. I need people who understand me and even if they don't understand why I do things, I still need them to stand by me and know that I know what I am doing. I am not naive, and I do know what I am doing. Educating myself is something that I have done throughout all this, and I know consequences that can and might occur...but I have to make the decisions on my own...
I have not had sex, and I have not gotten high or done any drugs. I don't need any judgment, because that will do more harm to me than good.
I am finally living my life by my terms. I am finally loosening up and not judging others and feeling sad for them because they are doing "bad" things. Last year I was so up-tight. I was Insanely up-tight. I don't like the person that I was. I thought I was happy yes, but after awhile I realized I wasn't. So I changed. At first it was slowly, and then I got confidence and began to actually do things that I wanted to do. There were things that I wanted to experience but was always to afraid of others judgment to do them. Finally one day I broke down and said...I will never do the things that I want to do and will kick myself every time I don't. So I changed. I did what I wanted, and you know what? It made me happy. I was finally over Dustin and I wanted to celebrate. So I did. I felt free. Finally, I was free.
I didn't go to church three weeks in a row, and no one questioned me. lol. It was that easy to slip away, and it pissed me off. All the time I was at a certain youth group(no names will be mentioned), they talked about how so and so was drinking, no confidentiality or anything. They told the name and that they were drinking and having sex and that that person was falling. That we should pray for him...that was a joke. I think the problem was that it was so easy for him to fall, and that no one bothered to help him up. They just wanted to judge what he was doing, which pushed him further away I am sure. So anyways, my point is that I didn't go to church/youth group for two months after going back after a few weeks, and when I go back everyone acts like they are so happy to see me. Well, if you missed me so much, why didn't you call, or say anything to me. I only had like two people say anything and everyone else who acted like they missed me the most didn't question why I was even gone. I bet they didn't know that one night while they were at church, I was hiding in the basement from the police, and that I had been drinking. I bet they have no idea what i have been up to...lol
My best friend in the world let me slip away. I am sorry If I say anything mean about her, but I am angry at her. I slipped away, too easily. We still saw eacho ther and did things occasionally, but she always complained about her boyfriend, or whatever the hell he was.I got so sick of it. I remember one day I wanted to tell her something really important, and I was going to tell her but she started venting and telling me what was going on and how she was upset and asked for my advice. I never told her what I needed to...and I don't even remember what it was anymore.I didn't mind listening, but I listened to the same thing all the time and she didn't seem to want to listen to my advice. Neither did she ask how I was, or realize that I wanted to talk and that I had stuff on my mind, and that it wasn't about boys.
I don't want a boyfriend who wants to be with me for the rest of his life, or that wants a long term relationship. I want a boyfriend that I can be friends with and kiss, and just have a great time with...nothing too serious. All the guys that I attract get too clingy and it just annoys me. So I dated this guy and he was pretty awesome. He made me feel good about myself and he gave me confidence. He told me what I needed to hear, even if I didn't like it and well, he made me smile and laugh. I hadn't laughed in a long time. I brought in the new year making out with a guy...and prior to that I went on a date with a different guy. It was fun, and I don't think I was being unfair to either of them...
I do not need judgement...I do not need anyone telling me how do things. That makes me angry, that makes me bitter. I need people who understand me and even if they don't understand why I do things, I still need them to stand by me and know that I know what I am doing. I am not naive, and I do know what I am doing. Educating myself is something that I have done throughout all this, and I know consequences that can and might occur...but I have to make the decisions on my own...
I have not had sex, and I have not gotten high or done any drugs. I don't need any judgment, because that will do more harm to me than good.