2017 Thoughts (read warnings)
Warning: If you think insecurities and selfishness and depression isn't for you, you better stop reading now lmao
2017... An adventure.
For work, for personal life, 2017 has been normal.
Emotionally? Mentally? Maybe not.
In my thoughts everyday I get jealous of upcoming artists. I get jealous of all these people I thought I'm better with but produce more enticing art.
I get insecure seeing them. I get insecure seeing them improve while I don't see myself improving. I feel like I'm on a stalemate of not bad enough and not good enough.
I get bitter of comments to other artists. I get bitter because I'm mostly likely jealous. I want those too, I keep telling myself. But I'm not sociable enough. I can't shout and spazz and I guess through this incompetence, I couldn't receive back what I couldn't give.
There are moments I'm happy with what I draw, there are moments when I dislike every stroke I make, every dab of paint I put in the canvas. Even with the proudest art I've produced in a day, I sleep it off and criticize everything about it the next day. Scolding myself with my incompetence and lack of skill.
Everyday I felt (feel?) like I'm on a dark empty void. Give myself temporary happiness of the littlest things I'm proud of, and disappoint myself as I go on.
Sometimes I cry myself to sleep, sometimes I wake up wanting to cry. I look at all these improving artists. Look at all this talent and hardwork.
I wonder if I'm not hardworking enough?
I get so jealous. And then feel bad. They don't deserve this from me. I need to support them, tell them that art is fun. But I can't help it. Everytime I linger to their works, I feel a pang of jealousy and envy. And then I want to cry for thinking this. I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being jealous to all of you.
This was how 2017 was ending for me.
But with 2018, a New Year, I don't have the weight and expectations of 300+ days weighing down on me. Thus, I feel better. I don't feel as much disappointed with myself.
But there are days I lay in my bed or stare in my computer of how shit all my works are. Here I am hoping that 2018 will be better for my mentality.
P.S. Don't do social media, it gets in your mentality lol