To love, or not to love?
I want to pour myself into something. Just, wholeheartedly dump who I am into something and bury myself in it. I thought I could do that with art, with singing, with acting--but I can't. There's nothing I'm confident in. Not confident enough to pour myself into it without worrying about repercussions.
God, what I wouldn't do to be able to pour myself into love, but I don't even know how to do that properly. My kind of love turns out haphazard, hesitant and in the end, broken. By me. Because I don't know what the hell I'm doing. When you kiss someone, aren't you supposed to lose yourself in them? Aren't you supposed to think of the amazing feelings you're having rather than the fact that their nose is too close, that you're breathing the same air, that the second before your lips met you saw their face twist into some sort of grotesque demon's mask? When your lover reaches for your hand aren't you supposed to feel giddy with the feeling? Not dreading the closeness that it'll cause. PALM to PALM. That's close, you know. That's REALLY opening yourself up.
So if I just push those awkward feelings aside, do you think that it'll make it any better? Make me more capable of loving someone? I'm 23 years old and without a proper relationship or even anyone I'm interested in--and you know the funny part? I've never been interested in someone who was interested in me first. Why? Because I know the feelings are reciprocated then? Then I'll HAVE to do those things I've been avoiding. Much safer to have a long distance relationship where you don't have to worry about that kinda thing, or a relationship that's one-sided. Easier to admire from afar and not worry about them wanting to drag you back to the bedroom for equally awkward moments.
For once, though, it'd be nice to have what I want. A love, a wholehearted love that just grabs on and doesn't let go.
Ew.
No, maybe not. HA.
Maybe it's my love that needs to be wholehearted. Screw the guy, he doesn't need to be wholehearted. I can't stand puppydogs or people who attach themselves like glue.
So really, what is it that I want?
Probably the ability to love, because, right now I'm not capable of it. And maybe that's the part that confuses and hurts. To not be able to love or be loved--not because there is something wrong with me, but because I won't allow it.
I refuse to allow it.
Because this thing I want is weakness.
God, what I wouldn't do to be able to pour myself into love, but I don't even know how to do that properly. My kind of love turns out haphazard, hesitant and in the end, broken. By me. Because I don't know what the hell I'm doing. When you kiss someone, aren't you supposed to lose yourself in them? Aren't you supposed to think of the amazing feelings you're having rather than the fact that their nose is too close, that you're breathing the same air, that the second before your lips met you saw their face twist into some sort of grotesque demon's mask? When your lover reaches for your hand aren't you supposed to feel giddy with the feeling? Not dreading the closeness that it'll cause. PALM to PALM. That's close, you know. That's REALLY opening yourself up.
So if I just push those awkward feelings aside, do you think that it'll make it any better? Make me more capable of loving someone? I'm 23 years old and without a proper relationship or even anyone I'm interested in--and you know the funny part? I've never been interested in someone who was interested in me first. Why? Because I know the feelings are reciprocated then? Then I'll HAVE to do those things I've been avoiding. Much safer to have a long distance relationship where you don't have to worry about that kinda thing, or a relationship that's one-sided. Easier to admire from afar and not worry about them wanting to drag you back to the bedroom for equally awkward moments.
For once, though, it'd be nice to have what I want. A love, a wholehearted love that just grabs on and doesn't let go.
Ew.
No, maybe not. HA.
Maybe it's my love that needs to be wholehearted. Screw the guy, he doesn't need to be wholehearted. I can't stand puppydogs or people who attach themselves like glue.
So really, what is it that I want?
Probably the ability to love, because, right now I'm not capable of it. And maybe that's the part that confuses and hurts. To not be able to love or be loved--not because there is something wrong with me, but because I won't allow it.
I refuse to allow it.
Because this thing I want is weakness.