Alright
So the problems with my personality, as told to me by other people and by hearing what other people have said about me, are:
Micromanaging
Possessive
Controlling
Force rather than respect
Petty
Irritability
Spoiled/Spotlight stealer
Haughty/Proud
Anything else?
So these are the things that I have to work on in my personality. I don't like to see any of these things in other people, they irritated me. So clearly, I have to work on them so that when I look at other people I don't see the parts of myself that I hate in them.
I got so irritated last night because I was reading something about emotional abuse, and I'm always worried that I'm doing that to other people. I'm always really worried that I'm abusing someone emotionally, or mentally. Because I have a pretty good understanding of how people work, I'm usually really good at working things out to get what I want. And I'm worried that I'm doing it in a way that's not healthy. Not good for other people. I mean, I don't think I'm using guilt because I hate guilt myself (it really pisses me off when someone tries to guilt me, like beyond anything I've ever felt before), but I'm sure I'm doing something else.
I guess it's good to be looking out for it, right? If I keep an eye out for it, then I can become more understanding and more giving of others. If I'm more understanding and more giving, and I don't do anything selfish, and I keep an eye on other people but don't let them walk on me... maybe I'll be respected more.
I realized something that I've already know.
Respect. I need respect. I have to feel as if I'm respected or I get really upset. Like, when I'm here at Abby and PJ's house; I don't feel respected when I felt as if I was just the housekeeper. I felt like, all they used me for was cleaning. The funny thing is that I LIKE cleaning, but not when it turns into teh only thing I can do. I clean without being asked, because that's what makes me feel better. But as soon as I'm asked I get ruffled feathers because it puts me back in that same place I was as a kid. When I was being told to do dishes or laundry or whatever because that was all I was good for. If I'm going to clean, I'm going to clean. I don't need to be reminded. And it really has to do with the wording of it too.
"Don't forget to do the dishes!" really ticks me off. It's telling me what to do, it's telling me when to do them (pressure feels like DO THEM NOW BEFORE YOU FORGET).
"Hey, would you mind doing some dishes later?" is better. It doesn't put any pressure on me to do them RIGHT THEN (and if I don't have that pressure I'm more than likely to do them right then), and it's not an order.
"Can you do the dishes?" is alright, but feels like it's being pushed off on me.
I prefer no one saying anything at all. Maybe mentioning, "Man, those dishes need to get done, but I dun wanna do 'em." Then I feel like I'm helping. But if it's said over and over and over again, I know it's a ploy.
It all has to do with the wording. I hate feeling like I HAVE to do anything. If I'm free to do it whenever, I'm more than likely to do it sooner, on my own time.
Anyway. That's just one thing that bothers me. Never order me. Never guilt me. You'll get nothing but hell if you do. I'm not a servant, I'm not a slave, I'm a friend and a woman and I'm doing my best to figure out what I'm doing right now. If I don't want to do something, let me not do it.
Bah. That dishes stuff is old though. I started writing about it cos I feel like I should do the dishes here; but I gotta eat first.
Anyway.
I should go or something.
I'm still in an odd mood. I feel like my chest is shifted over a bit; not quite in the right spot. Until it settles back, it's best just to be safe around me. Sorry for inconveniencing you.
Micromanaging
Possessive
Controlling
Force rather than respect
Petty
Irritability
Spoiled/Spotlight stealer
Haughty/Proud
Anything else?
So these are the things that I have to work on in my personality. I don't like to see any of these things in other people, they irritated me. So clearly, I have to work on them so that when I look at other people I don't see the parts of myself that I hate in them.
I got so irritated last night because I was reading something about emotional abuse, and I'm always worried that I'm doing that to other people. I'm always really worried that I'm abusing someone emotionally, or mentally. Because I have a pretty good understanding of how people work, I'm usually really good at working things out to get what I want. And I'm worried that I'm doing it in a way that's not healthy. Not good for other people. I mean, I don't think I'm using guilt because I hate guilt myself (it really pisses me off when someone tries to guilt me, like beyond anything I've ever felt before), but I'm sure I'm doing something else.
I guess it's good to be looking out for it, right? If I keep an eye out for it, then I can become more understanding and more giving of others. If I'm more understanding and more giving, and I don't do anything selfish, and I keep an eye on other people but don't let them walk on me... maybe I'll be respected more.
I realized something that I've already know.
Respect. I need respect. I have to feel as if I'm respected or I get really upset. Like, when I'm here at Abby and PJ's house; I don't feel respected when I felt as if I was just the housekeeper. I felt like, all they used me for was cleaning. The funny thing is that I LIKE cleaning, but not when it turns into teh only thing I can do. I clean without being asked, because that's what makes me feel better. But as soon as I'm asked I get ruffled feathers because it puts me back in that same place I was as a kid. When I was being told to do dishes or laundry or whatever because that was all I was good for. If I'm going to clean, I'm going to clean. I don't need to be reminded. And it really has to do with the wording of it too.
"Don't forget to do the dishes!" really ticks me off. It's telling me what to do, it's telling me when to do them (pressure feels like DO THEM NOW BEFORE YOU FORGET).
"Hey, would you mind doing some dishes later?" is better. It doesn't put any pressure on me to do them RIGHT THEN (and if I don't have that pressure I'm more than likely to do them right then), and it's not an order.
"Can you do the dishes?" is alright, but feels like it's being pushed off on me.
I prefer no one saying anything at all. Maybe mentioning, "Man, those dishes need to get done, but I dun wanna do 'em." Then I feel like I'm helping. But if it's said over and over and over again, I know it's a ploy.
It all has to do with the wording. I hate feeling like I HAVE to do anything. If I'm free to do it whenever, I'm more than likely to do it sooner, on my own time.
Anyway. That's just one thing that bothers me. Never order me. Never guilt me. You'll get nothing but hell if you do. I'm not a servant, I'm not a slave, I'm a friend and a woman and I'm doing my best to figure out what I'm doing right now. If I don't want to do something, let me not do it.
Bah. That dishes stuff is old though. I started writing about it cos I feel like I should do the dishes here; but I gotta eat first.
Anyway.
I should go or something.
I'm still in an odd mood. I feel like my chest is shifted over a bit; not quite in the right spot. Until it settles back, it's best just to be safe around me. Sorry for inconveniencing you.