Hello, dear friend...
okay, just cause i'm updating does not mean it will become a habitual thing again. I just had access to the 'net and i have a lot on my mind, so I decided it couldn't hurt to just let things out... Especially since I know no one will look at this thing. Everyone forgot about me. But it doesn't matter. Hardly anything matters anymore. Ah, so melodramatic... So, just in case someone actually DOES look at this thing, i guess i should update since the last time, but i will make it brief, 'cause i have a lot to talk about. The last crap I wrote about...yeah...that's over. Things have been pretty okay, i guess...same old shit inside my head. I think I will always be trying to escape from it. So, the things that have been bothering me: Chelsea. And me. I keep on fucking up everything. I just don't think before i do or say anything. I think I'm being honest and just having a conversation, and I end up saying something to piss her off. I need to THINK, you know? Or, the other night, we got fucked up (like we always do when I come over) and I started saying stuff that I know for a fact started all this crap. I told her I loved her and wanted to be in a relationship with her. HOLY SHIT. No wonder she freaking is scared to talk to me. I would never want to do that to her. Yes, I do love her, but it is as a BEST FRIEND. I get freaking nauseous when I think about all of this. If I could just keep my mouth shut... I wish she wold talk to me so I could tell her all of this but she seems to be avoiding me and all of my phone calls and messages. I have gotten one word out of her in the past few days: No. I get sick, my skin gets hot, and my eyes almost start welling up. I wish she knew how much all of this hurts me. I made another mistake too. The other night I got upset and almost had a cutting relapse (once again). I didn't do it, thanks to a new friend I just made, but I almost did, and the next day I told her about it. Only 'cause I wanted her to know what was going on and I needed to talk to her about what I said the other night and how I was fucked up and I did not mean what I said. As soon as I told her about that story, she said she had to go and she has not talked to me since. I'm just a fucking fuck-up. I can't handle her hating me. I write in my diary a lot now, since I can't talk to this thing anymore, and I think I said it best last night when I wrote something to the effect of "I miss her so much. I feel like a piece of my soul is missing. My BEST FRIEND."
'Till next time.
'Till next time.