poetry
I've been trying to decide where to post this and figured as its poetry I could post it both here and there. More thoughts from 79 minute train rides:
In the privacy of darkness, when I can lay awake no more
and coherent thoughts of daylight have become a chore
I can feel my self falling farther than asleep
Down, down for miles and landing in a heap
Heart pounding from the plummet, I'm scared to be alive
The walls are closing in on me, I watch them heave and writhe
The winds are blowing cold, there are footsteps somewhere close
Something vile stalks me, bitter mean and old.
A miasma of decay engulfs me, a weight upon my chest
Pressing on my lungs and filling in my ears, I cannot draw a breath
Lights flash in the distance, or maybe just behind my eyes
My legs are made of rubber or else encased in led
Though I'm barely twitching, I'm running in my head
The louder I try to scream the more it breaks my voice
No sound escapes me, not a wheeze not a squeak, no noise
Frantically I cast about- there must be somewhere here to hide
The beast is getting nearer still, the room is bare and wide
True terror grips me now, it shakes me like a babe
A sob escapes my throat and suddenly, I wake
the beast is even closer now
And I am less than safe.
Pt. 2
I hold my breath and bite my tongue, watch every move i make
I toe the line, I daren't slack, vigilantly watch my back
In my never ending loneliness I cry out for attention
Though in reality I prefer neglect
A few days to myself, to fortify my soul
But quickly I get comfortable
Not quite secure, but lax
Then all the scrutiny I couldn't care to get
Is rained down upon me, a promise not a threat
The Beast calls it Karma, I get what I deserve
It's only what I asked for, the Beast's the one that hurts.
My nose is running red, my hide is black and blue
My are swollen sore and there's nothing i can do
Reprimands echo, in my burning ears
"You've got nothing to cry about! Wipe away those tears!"
The Beast has paused to yell at me, time for my escape
I launch myself away from here faster than I can
My feet tangle underneath, my arms are grasping at the walls
My reach is short and down I go, the carpet breaks my fall
Wasting precious seconds I claw my way upright
Just a few more steps, my sanctuary's in sight
I make it but just barely, the door is now shut tight
The Beast has given up for now, there will be another row.
That will happen later though, my back faced the door
My feet braced against the desk
Trembling and heaving I draw air into my chest
That battle's won, I've passed that test
Eventually she'll take me, though I've given it my best
The fight is going out of me, as I crawl into my bed
Perhaps one day, I'll let her win
I nestle down along the wall, one eye upon the door
One ear always open, knows what to listen for
Would I be happier, I wonder
If maybe I had lost?
No paranoia to cradle me, no pounding in my head
But really would I be better off that way?
Would I rather be dead?
~~~~~
please bear in mind all of this is taken from the point in time, that certain headspace, of about 10 years ago or so. these are not recent thoughts, just recent poems. I've been sorting through this crap in my past a lot lately and this is what fell out of my pen when i sat down with pen and paper to kill time on the gods awful train ride from London, England to Newport, Wales. in fact there is lovely melodic string of swear words that describes the public transport system beautifully, but i can't spell it. rest assured thought there are a lot of L's and Y's. :D
more later-
~K