Lost
My back is feeling a lot better, and physically I am doing ok.
I thought long and hard about this post and decided to make it public, instead of protected. Because if I am to be condemned for being human, then I will plead guilty as charged.
2 years
2 years since that faithful time, where everything started going down hill for me. I look back at that time and I was on fire for God and ministry. Now I look at myself a broken and wretched fool, I turned my back on my first love, all for the sake of earthly goods and services. I have turned into something I am not, and I despise myself for it. The friends that I have now, who knew me then, probably have been watching, and hopefully praying for me.
It is disgraceful, to see how far I have fallen from the grace I once thrived to be in, and his presence which I sought constantly, now there is just a faint reminder of his grace and presence. How could I have fell so far in such a short time. The ones who have seen me at and away from school knows where my heart truly lies, but I have fell from the sweet salvation I knew in my youth.
I heard it from my mother and grandmother in regards to getting "back right" before it is too late. There is no one to blame except my own pitiful self, I wonder some days if I should just end it all, after the hell I put my self through. I am slowly trying to go back to my first love, and leave this lust of earthly goods, behind me. I started by deciding that I will not go on to Law school directly after college, I am going to work at a school and try to build a children's home for abused children.
I have not wore the mask of being some holier than thou Christian while at Southeastern, I have been as real as I possible could be. I am who I am, if you want to criticize for taking a drink every now and then, or playing poker for various reasons, then go right ahead and judge me that is your choice. If you want to judge me for who I am without getting to know who I really am, then you it is your decision.
I have not been to chapel or regular church services consistently since December of 2003, because of "burnout" but when the burnout wore off, I had lost sight and motivation of my goals in life which is to impact and change kids for the better.
I thank God for my friends and family, who has not left me during these last two years. I thank God for my wonderful fiancee who just reminds me of God's grace and love towards me, since he gave me her, which was something I thought I never would receive. Even through all the hell I put her through and all the times I know I have let her down, she is still there for me every night when I get off from work. No matter how hard the night has been or the weekend, she is always there with a loving hug and caring touch. THANKS JENNIFER, you do not know how much I appreciate you and love you.
God reached below the bottom to pull me up, I had to look up to see the bottom of the depths of the pit that I had fell into. It is going to be back on my knees, is where I learned to stand once and that is where God has brought me back again. Also I cant even walk without you holding my hand.
I thought long and hard about this post and decided to make it public, instead of protected. Because if I am to be condemned for being human, then I will plead guilty as charged.
2 years
2 years since that faithful time, where everything started going down hill for me. I look back at that time and I was on fire for God and ministry. Now I look at myself a broken and wretched fool, I turned my back on my first love, all for the sake of earthly goods and services. I have turned into something I am not, and I despise myself for it. The friends that I have now, who knew me then, probably have been watching, and hopefully praying for me.
It is disgraceful, to see how far I have fallen from the grace I once thrived to be in, and his presence which I sought constantly, now there is just a faint reminder of his grace and presence. How could I have fell so far in such a short time. The ones who have seen me at and away from school knows where my heart truly lies, but I have fell from the sweet salvation I knew in my youth.
I heard it from my mother and grandmother in regards to getting "back right" before it is too late. There is no one to blame except my own pitiful self, I wonder some days if I should just end it all, after the hell I put my self through. I am slowly trying to go back to my first love, and leave this lust of earthly goods, behind me. I started by deciding that I will not go on to Law school directly after college, I am going to work at a school and try to build a children's home for abused children.
I have not wore the mask of being some holier than thou Christian while at Southeastern, I have been as real as I possible could be. I am who I am, if you want to criticize for taking a drink every now and then, or playing poker for various reasons, then go right ahead and judge me that is your choice. If you want to judge me for who I am without getting to know who I really am, then you it is your decision.
I have not been to chapel or regular church services consistently since December of 2003, because of "burnout" but when the burnout wore off, I had lost sight and motivation of my goals in life which is to impact and change kids for the better.
I thank God for my friends and family, who has not left me during these last two years. I thank God for my wonderful fiancee who just reminds me of God's grace and love towards me, since he gave me her, which was something I thought I never would receive. Even through all the hell I put her through and all the times I know I have let her down, she is still there for me every night when I get off from work. No matter how hard the night has been or the weekend, she is always there with a loving hug and caring touch. THANKS JENNIFER, you do not know how much I appreciate you and love you.
God reached below the bottom to pull me up, I had to look up to see the bottom of the depths of the pit that I had fell into. It is going to be back on my knees, is where I learned to stand once and that is where God has brought me back again. Also I cant even walk without you holding my hand.