'There's a memory of a window, lookin thru i see u searching for sumthin i could never give you...'
Some days it seems like i've been so horribly down and depressed for so terribly long...i have to keep reminding myself that just yesterday i was feeling fine...but it feels like yesterday is worlds away...it feels like it's been forever...it just feels so empty. I don't understand how people can have such an effect on me...
Today i went with Kelly to get her tattoo, as promised. Unfortunately that means that i had to sit in a very small room with Rob [from Liquid Skin] for a good two hours...i don't think i've ever felt so awkward in my entire life...And of course, those two hours caused the rest of my day to be absolutely dreadful. Thinking about him, as of late, seems to put me in the foulest of moods...so you can only imagine what seeing him did to me...*le sigh*...i just don't know what to do... i had to leave a little early for work, and Kelly came by to show me what was done on her tattoo for the day and told me that after i left he started talking to her about things. Told her that it was really weird seeing me...She played dumb. According to him, he never said that he'd come get me that nite. According to him he said he'd probly not. I don't think i hallucinated all of this. I realize, mind you, that i'm a bit disillusioned at times, it's what keeps me sane, but i SERIOUSLY doubt that i imagined this. So, i don't know. Then he went on to say something about maturity levels between the two of us, and i had to laugh as she told me about this. He can't even have the decency to pick up the damn phone and confront a situation when it's handed to him on a silver fuking platter. Mind you, i don't think i'm all sorts of mature and such, but i would at least have the maturity, and decency, to do that. But, i don't know...
i've tried so hard just to make things comfortable again, because that was all i wanted, but apparently that's not acceptable. I give up...again...i keep saying that. And, it's not like i've really put any effort into anything since i said that, but i just don't understand why it is still having such an effect on me. I can feel dissapointment, and hurt like it's nearly flowing through my veins...literally...it's this grainy, sort of empty, painful feeling, and it's shooting through my body, even into my fingertips as i'm typing this...and i don't understand it...i think this is the only feeling i've never been able to shake. Usually i can go to sleep and in the morning i feel fine, but i've already discussed how oblivious i am each morning of the day before. However, for that one day, i feel like complete and utter shit. It's like i've been gutted. *le sigh* i just don't know.
You know what does make me happy though? My dear Brena...unfortunately, i do not have her at the moment...She's over at Alex's house for the moment, and tomorrow she goes over to his friend's house...hopefully i'll get to see her in the process...i do miss her...the only face that seems to constantly bring me joy...and you know what? i think i'll enliten you all with such a grace as well...enjoy...
Today i went with Kelly to get her tattoo, as promised. Unfortunately that means that i had to sit in a very small room with Rob [from Liquid Skin] for a good two hours...i don't think i've ever felt so awkward in my entire life...And of course, those two hours caused the rest of my day to be absolutely dreadful. Thinking about him, as of late, seems to put me in the foulest of moods...so you can only imagine what seeing him did to me...*le sigh*...i just don't know what to do... i had to leave a little early for work, and Kelly came by to show me what was done on her tattoo for the day and told me that after i left he started talking to her about things. Told her that it was really weird seeing me...She played dumb. According to him, he never said that he'd come get me that nite. According to him he said he'd probly not. I don't think i hallucinated all of this. I realize, mind you, that i'm a bit disillusioned at times, it's what keeps me sane, but i SERIOUSLY doubt that i imagined this. So, i don't know. Then he went on to say something about maturity levels between the two of us, and i had to laugh as she told me about this. He can't even have the decency to pick up the damn phone and confront a situation when it's handed to him on a silver fuking platter. Mind you, i don't think i'm all sorts of mature and such, but i would at least have the maturity, and decency, to do that. But, i don't know...
i've tried so hard just to make things comfortable again, because that was all i wanted, but apparently that's not acceptable. I give up...again...i keep saying that. And, it's not like i've really put any effort into anything since i said that, but i just don't understand why it is still having such an effect on me. I can feel dissapointment, and hurt like it's nearly flowing through my veins...literally...it's this grainy, sort of empty, painful feeling, and it's shooting through my body, even into my fingertips as i'm typing this...and i don't understand it...i think this is the only feeling i've never been able to shake. Usually i can go to sleep and in the morning i feel fine, but i've already discussed how oblivious i am each morning of the day before. However, for that one day, i feel like complete and utter shit. It's like i've been gutted. *le sigh* i just don't know.
You know what does make me happy though? My dear Brena...unfortunately, i do not have her at the moment...She's over at Alex's house for the moment, and tomorrow she goes over to his friend's house...hopefully i'll get to see her in the process...i do miss her...the only face that seems to constantly bring me joy...and you know what? i think i'll enliten you all with such a grace as well...enjoy...