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Hear that noise coming from my window, its the bird chirping again. Look at my clock and its 5am again. Another night sitting here trapped in my own insomnia. Every morning I wake up with the knife pushed a little deeper. Its like this gnawing pain that gets deeper every day. Sitting here, wondering how things fell so far, wondering how we came to this.
I keep thinking I can make it all better, I just wanna say some magical thing that will fix it all but I know there is nothing. Elena came over yesterday for the first time and it was really nice seeing her. It was so hard for me not to just throw myself at her, I missed her so bad. She was so numb tho, I guess its just how she copes. I wish I could cope, I cant even function like this, I wake up in the morning and force myself back to sleep because I just dont want to be awake with my thoughts for so many hours. It never really does inch much time off considering I dont really sleep anymore, better then waking up at 10 am and having the whole day to feel like shit.
I'm trying to find a new place, a new job, work things out. Something deep inside me is driving me not to give up on this, Elena seems so ready to move on, I just cant let go of 2 years like this. I keep thinking we were better then this. I told hher everything about how I feel, so atleast she knows. I doubt it will change much but atleast she knows. I wish I could just turn myself off, pretend like nothing happened. Its so hard to sit in this house, every single thing here reminds me of her. I wish I could end this pain. I've never felt sorrow like this.
I feel so lost right now. I feel like I have nobody to turn to, I have lost faith in most of my friends. I feel betrayed in some way by almost everybody I know. One of my friends actually asked me to help pitch money to buy crystal meth, after knowing exactly how I feel about that disgusting shit. Friends who come over, puke in my house, trash my house, and dont even apologize for it. People who treat me like I have something to give them.
I pretty much lost faith in humanity, I think im just gonna become a hermit for the next while, going out ocasionally to get my mind off things.
Either way, I realize that no matter how hard I try, its really up to her. Even if I love her to death and do whatever I can to win her back, its always her choice and I can never change that. I also realize that no matter how hard I try, its going to take a long time to fix things, that is, if she even wants to. I cant just sit back and watch her drift away from me, I dont know what to do, its driving me insane. I just want to hold on, watching her lose her feelings for me over time is awful, matched only by watching her gain feelings for somebody else. I dont know whats going to happen but I'm willing to wait it out for something this special, or atleast try.
I keep thinking I can make it all better, I just wanna say some magical thing that will fix it all but I know there is nothing. Elena came over yesterday for the first time and it was really nice seeing her. It was so hard for me not to just throw myself at her, I missed her so bad. She was so numb tho, I guess its just how she copes. I wish I could cope, I cant even function like this, I wake up in the morning and force myself back to sleep because I just dont want to be awake with my thoughts for so many hours. It never really does inch much time off considering I dont really sleep anymore, better then waking up at 10 am and having the whole day to feel like shit.
I'm trying to find a new place, a new job, work things out. Something deep inside me is driving me not to give up on this, Elena seems so ready to move on, I just cant let go of 2 years like this. I keep thinking we were better then this. I told hher everything about how I feel, so atleast she knows. I doubt it will change much but atleast she knows. I wish I could just turn myself off, pretend like nothing happened. Its so hard to sit in this house, every single thing here reminds me of her. I wish I could end this pain. I've never felt sorrow like this.
I feel so lost right now. I feel like I have nobody to turn to, I have lost faith in most of my friends. I feel betrayed in some way by almost everybody I know. One of my friends actually asked me to help pitch money to buy crystal meth, after knowing exactly how I feel about that disgusting shit. Friends who come over, puke in my house, trash my house, and dont even apologize for it. People who treat me like I have something to give them.
I pretty much lost faith in humanity, I think im just gonna become a hermit for the next while, going out ocasionally to get my mind off things.
Either way, I realize that no matter how hard I try, its really up to her. Even if I love her to death and do whatever I can to win her back, its always her choice and I can never change that. I also realize that no matter how hard I try, its going to take a long time to fix things, that is, if she even wants to. I cant just sit back and watch her drift away from me, I dont know what to do, its driving me insane. I just want to hold on, watching her lose her feelings for me over time is awful, matched only by watching her gain feelings for somebody else. I dont know whats going to happen but I'm willing to wait it out for something this special, or atleast try.