Depressed
Somtimes I wonder if people really know what they're talking about. Ive had many people say that if you really love someone or somthing, that you should stick through everything hard if it matters that much. But do those people really know what theyre talking about? Have they been through the things that other people in situations like mine go through? Is this how they know what to tell people when theyre on the verge of ending everything because it is too physically and emotionally stressful? NO one can answer that.
I somtimes wonder why Randy has become so complicated. He promises me many things--like everything will get better, he'll be a better boyfriend to me...he loves me. But I cant take him seriously anymore. Hes backed out on me so many times that I no longer know what is truth and what is a line hes using so i'll just shut up for a moment. Im not sure what I have done to deserve any of this, I wish I knew. I wish I knew what he really thought about me. He probably cant stand me, but just doesnt want to give up somthing he can get his hands on. I cant tell if he really loves me and cares for me, or if its just that he doesnt know anything else and is too used to me to let go. I cant even tell for myself, i cant decipher my feelings anymore. Is what im doing (just putting up with everything) really because i love him and cant live without him, or is it just that I dont know how to live withought him? I dont know how to trust him, he has taken much of that away from me. He often lies about somthing and then turns it around so that I'll figure it out. I dont understand the lies, ever. He does it so much that I get to the point (more than once a month) that I just tell him I dont need him anymore and we need to separate--but hes like a child. He pushes me to my limits then comes crawling back expecting forgiveness. Expecting me not to leave him. He makes me feel guilty by saying he cant do it (life) on his own. Hes afraid of being alone and he misses his father. What do I do? What do I say to somthing like that?
He can appologize and be wonderful--for about a day. Then when I havent cried for 24 hours, he assumes everything is great and goes about his normal buissness. His normalcy of leading me on and not treating me very well. Ignoring my pleas for the 'Old Randy'. Im not sure what else is left in me to continue. As each day goes by, even on our 'good days' ( few and far between believe me), I realize that I need him less and less. The more he pushes me away, the more accepting I am of it. Will it get to the point where I just dissapear from his life and he wont even notice? Probably. I expect that to happen someday. But there is that stupid side of me that holds onto what little hope there is left and continuously repeats that it might get better. I keep on believing him that he will change one day--one day I'll change katie, i promise...
But how many promises have to be broken before I really leave for good? How many lies have to be told before its too much? How much rejection can I really take before I can take no more. Never in the 4 years that we have been together have I ever felt this unloved by him than in this last year alone. Even when he broke up with me and used me for what he could get did I still (foolishly) feel loved. How could I not? He told me he'd love me again if I would just do 'this one thing' with him....I am such a fool.
Im foolish for sticking around and accepting this fate he has put us in. Im foolish for not realizing sooner that this relationship is spiraling downwards. Im foolish for thinking he would take care of my heart--when his heart is in one million different pieces....
So what now? Tell him all this? What good would it do, he would just push it aside in the vast library of things I've told him about us and forget about it and do nothing. He'll continue to ignore my pleas for intimacy and honesty and love. He'll just go on and do what he wants and reject me.
I somtimes wonder why Randy has become so complicated. He promises me many things--like everything will get better, he'll be a better boyfriend to me...he loves me. But I cant take him seriously anymore. Hes backed out on me so many times that I no longer know what is truth and what is a line hes using so i'll just shut up for a moment. Im not sure what I have done to deserve any of this, I wish I knew. I wish I knew what he really thought about me. He probably cant stand me, but just doesnt want to give up somthing he can get his hands on. I cant tell if he really loves me and cares for me, or if its just that he doesnt know anything else and is too used to me to let go. I cant even tell for myself, i cant decipher my feelings anymore. Is what im doing (just putting up with everything) really because i love him and cant live without him, or is it just that I dont know how to live withought him? I dont know how to trust him, he has taken much of that away from me. He often lies about somthing and then turns it around so that I'll figure it out. I dont understand the lies, ever. He does it so much that I get to the point (more than once a month) that I just tell him I dont need him anymore and we need to separate--but hes like a child. He pushes me to my limits then comes crawling back expecting forgiveness. Expecting me not to leave him. He makes me feel guilty by saying he cant do it (life) on his own. Hes afraid of being alone and he misses his father. What do I do? What do I say to somthing like that?
He can appologize and be wonderful--for about a day. Then when I havent cried for 24 hours, he assumes everything is great and goes about his normal buissness. His normalcy of leading me on and not treating me very well. Ignoring my pleas for the 'Old Randy'. Im not sure what else is left in me to continue. As each day goes by, even on our 'good days' ( few and far between believe me), I realize that I need him less and less. The more he pushes me away, the more accepting I am of it. Will it get to the point where I just dissapear from his life and he wont even notice? Probably. I expect that to happen someday. But there is that stupid side of me that holds onto what little hope there is left and continuously repeats that it might get better. I keep on believing him that he will change one day--one day I'll change katie, i promise...
But how many promises have to be broken before I really leave for good? How many lies have to be told before its too much? How much rejection can I really take before I can take no more. Never in the 4 years that we have been together have I ever felt this unloved by him than in this last year alone. Even when he broke up with me and used me for what he could get did I still (foolishly) feel loved. How could I not? He told me he'd love me again if I would just do 'this one thing' with him....I am such a fool.
Im foolish for sticking around and accepting this fate he has put us in. Im foolish for not realizing sooner that this relationship is spiraling downwards. Im foolish for thinking he would take care of my heart--when his heart is in one million different pieces....
So what now? Tell him all this? What good would it do, he would just push it aside in the vast library of things I've told him about us and forget about it and do nothing. He'll continue to ignore my pleas for intimacy and honesty and love. He'll just go on and do what he wants and reject me.