Update: The Edge of Life
I would update usually about Most Haunted.. but I can't really remember anything from last week's episode.. it's not that I'm losing interest as I still love watching it, but nothing noteworthy is happening these days much...I really need to watch the Live just gone on youtube and then I can do an update for each day ...
The other night I watched the last episode of the Royale Family to air .. the one where Nana dies and I've never been so saddened by a comedy ever - I think in Nana, I saw my own nan... but I also found it semi reassuring as I could see my nan has a long way to go yet before she is on the brink of passing .. so I guess it means I have longer to come to terms with it.. Although I don't think I ever will come to terms with losing one of my favourite people in the world..
Today my mum, nan and aunty (who talks utter bollocks btw!) were talking about my grand-dad who passed away about 10 years ago when I was about 8ish and I never really missed him - I mean I did, of course I missed him, but I never felt like this hole was in my heart and soul... and this week I seem to be feeling a lot more emotional and sad by some things... I read a book called A Dog Year which made me cry - more than once and everything feels a little odd this week.. I don't know...
I'm probably being stupid but it's weird.. I'm surrounded by death at the moment.. well not quite surrounded .. my Nan's sister has been gravely ill for quite some time and now she is on the edge of life - which is sad because I only see her a few times a year and I really like her .. but I just don't have enough time to go visiting everywhere. I think my nan is sad because it reminds her that she is going to die as well.. We all are but I think my nan worries she will die tomorrow...
I wonder if my sister will come to my great aunt's funeral when she finally goes - it will be a catholic funeral so very long ..,
I've been to so many funerals now ... Mainly when I was younger.. in fact I haven't been to one since I turned a teenager - everyone died when I was young and I never really felt close to them.. I never even cried at my grand-father's funeral - that I can remember and that makes me sad because I feel I never really mourned him I guess... Maybe having worked briefly at the nursing homes, I have grown more empathetic to the elderly.. even though I hate caring for them.
I hate death and I fear it even greater.