(no subject)
of all the people in the world who could commit suicide, why you? we shared the same mental illnesses and we shared many of the same reasons not to do it- you promised me you'd call me when you felt it again. because I AM outside of your circles, because I am familiar with depressive thought patterns. but all you did was send me an email to tell me you couldn't pay your phone bill. I'm shocked. so shocked. What a beautiful man. I'm glad I had the honor to kiss him, but I so regret that I didn't try harder to be a friend. Maybe I could have been that wee hour call to stall things, and maybe I am >no one< in comparison to the many many people who love him. He has so many but sometimes it's easier to talk to someone who has to walk in the same darkness every day. Few really want to hear what goes on in the minds of people like us, we have to hide it from normal humans or they run screaming in terror. But people! It's when we STOP talking about suicide that you have to worry. I hear word that shortly before he went, he looked so happy. I suspect he looked happy because suicide planning can feel like a release to those of us with these disorders- like finding the light at the end. He and I talked about this. But never again will I let my own imagined lack of importance/worthiness stop me from reaching out to someone so incredibly... how can one ever describe how awesome he was? I was intimidated by his uber-ness. I am a fool. I let my mental illness stop me from getting closer to a very beautiful human being who then died from that exact mental illness. I can't let it take me too. I will not kill myself. When I think about it, I will remember you, and I will not follow in your footsteps. Is it wrong that I want to slap you? I really really REALLY want to. If you could hear me, you'd give me that smile. *growls* What a selfish thing to do... but I understand. I understand why, and I understand the desire. I'll never forget you.