last night..
i had the worst 2.5 hours of sleep i can humanly recall. although i was laying in bed the entire time; for the first hour i fully believed i was being physically attacked by my roommate. he was using his hands as vice-grips which he proceeded to apply all across my body, to various pressure points. for full five to ten minute increments he would have me in choke holds pushing his fingers into my groin, behind my knees and ears, on the temples of my head, around my neck, and between by chest and back. although i was awake enough to feel the pillow beneath my head and the heat coming from the electric blanket i was simply too exhausted to stop him. i possessed the intent to twist away from his abuse but simply could not break his holds. as time passed i became increasingly aggravated to the extent of furry. at one point i recall actually trying to callout to my other roommate (who's room is directly beside my own) but i could not form the words. it was as if i was paralyzed to the point that i could not/ would not even open my eyes to view his inflictions of pain. but even with my eyes closed i could see his gleaming smile. in my mind i was cursing him, out loud; although, i was awake enough to know i wasn't producing any sound. it just continued, relentlessly. i can't describe how i could be awake and not awake at the same time. but this was the case. today i can feel the affect of this actions. the soreness radiating from the areas he held in death-grip holds. the intensity of the situation, even now, is beyond my ability to describe.
nevertheless i awoke early this morning with eyes more red that had i been stoned. even the water upon washing my face and shaving, in preparation, for my presentation this morning burned my eyes. my eyes would not respond to my commands to open. regardless, every body extremity, even now, feels as if it is about to burst into flames. i don't feel alive. i feel as if i am barely existing. i can't be this way today. i have another full days' and nights' worth of work ahead of me. if you read this and you know me and more importantly care about me please call my phone to ensure i'm still actively working and not sleeping.
today i stuttered during a presentation. today i felt as if every word i attempted to say had the weight of a bowling ball and therefore needed to be actively pushed out of my mouth until it reached my lips at which point it proceeded to come crashing to the ground. today i am not myself. today i could barely walk home after this presentation. today nothing is familiar.
today i'm not alive. today i'm barely existing.
tomorrow i have a final (my final) presentation of the term. one which i have not started. one i am not completely confident i can accomplish. i desperately want any excuse to be hospitalized. any reason to stop for a full 24 hours. to be fed intravenously (i have no desire to eat) and to shit into a bedpan and have it emptied for me.
to simply avoid everything.
right now i feel as if i am failing at life, in a big way.
i thought i was stronger than this?
apparently not.
nathan.
nevertheless i awoke early this morning with eyes more red that had i been stoned. even the water upon washing my face and shaving, in preparation, for my presentation this morning burned my eyes. my eyes would not respond to my commands to open. regardless, every body extremity, even now, feels as if it is about to burst into flames. i don't feel alive. i feel as if i am barely existing. i can't be this way today. i have another full days' and nights' worth of work ahead of me. if you read this and you know me and more importantly care about me please call my phone to ensure i'm still actively working and not sleeping.
today i stuttered during a presentation. today i felt as if every word i attempted to say had the weight of a bowling ball and therefore needed to be actively pushed out of my mouth until it reached my lips at which point it proceeded to come crashing to the ground. today i am not myself. today i could barely walk home after this presentation. today nothing is familiar.
today i'm not alive. today i'm barely existing.
tomorrow i have a final (my final) presentation of the term. one which i have not started. one i am not completely confident i can accomplish. i desperately want any excuse to be hospitalized. any reason to stop for a full 24 hours. to be fed intravenously (i have no desire to eat) and to shit into a bedpan and have it emptied for me.
to simply avoid everything.
right now i feel as if i am failing at life, in a big way.
i thought i was stronger than this?
apparently not.
nathan.