And if I go away, what would still remain of me?
This entry has taken some time to write. Partly because it took awhile for me to realize some things about someone, and partly to let time pass so that I can be more logical and less angry. But, as it's written, cursing will probably ensue. Be forewarned
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I made no assumptions of her, but yes, I did make quite a few judgments based upon our past. You admitted yourself that you don't know the extent of the relationship I have/had with her. I may not have the whole story, but I have most of the book.
When it comes to relationships, be it mine or generally speaking, I rarely take others' words/advice. I've lost more in my short time than most will in an entire lifetime. I tolerate older people when they offer advice, but that's because I respect their seniority. However, there are only a very, very few, select people whom I will genuinely accept their words, and most of them are in the same boat as me. Granted, you know nothing of my past, but your comments, general as they may have been, seemed more like I was being talked down to.
I know the world does not stop for me. It didn't stop for me seven years ago, it doesn't stop for her, and it won't stop for anyone. I knew that before I even wrote my initial post. But when someone is hurt, they will lash out. No, I never wanted to hurt her, but I had to get her attention. I did try to tell her how I felt, but we ended up pushing each other's buttons, and she got upset and I dropped it. She's not the only one in this world to ever feel pain. And whether or not she knows it, she hurt me too.
I know all about her step-mom, boyfriends, her back, surgery, etc. And avoidance is not dealing with anything; it's fucking running away. There's nothing temporary about it. She's been doing it since before we met, and she continues to do so. She's been doing it for so long, and used the same excuses as crutches to justify her running away that the whole cycle is self-reinforced. Hell, she may not even know any better anymore. But I always treated her like an equal, something that a lot of people (even people on her side of the screen), failed to do. I even offered her solutions to her problems, but she would have to be the one to enact them. I guess though, that it's easier to just go with what you know. She told me that she didn't know if she could ever trust anyone again. That's a hell of a thing to say to someone who never treated her wrong.
Everything you have said, I have done. I've been the shoulder that she leaned on to talk about whatever, and as for space, well, the only chance I have to talk with her is on the weekends. Reading what you said about exercises in futility... I don't know what it will take to get through to her. I know she read my post and was hurt, but did she even bother to ask herself why I wrote it in the first place? I don't think she did, I really don't.
So the only thing I am left with in your reply is that maybe she has moved on... While I seriously doubt that, I have been wrong before. But if (and I stress the IF) that is the case, then she should have told me. Something like, "I'm done having you as a friend." Yeah, that would hurt and suck, but it's still a hell of a lot better than being left like a spider holding on while being blown around in the wind. Because if she has moved on with our friendship, then not letting me know is a pretty fucking shitty thing to do to someone.
But I don't think that's the case, and until I'm proven otherwise, then I still believe in her. And while people heal at different rates, there is a limit to everything. People will only stand outside in the cold and rain so long waiting for someone to let them back in before they're tired of having their time wasted. Being patient is one thing, being taken for granted is another.
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