And if I go away, what would still remain of me?
This entry has taken some time to write. Partly because it took awhile for me to realize some things about someone, and partly to let time pass so that I can be more logical and less angry. But, as it's written, cursing will probably ensue. Be forewarned
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Where do you get off asking such a pretentious question? Do I really know her? Don't presume to make any judgments about me or my post, because you know nothing about me or where I'm coming from. Do I really know her? As well as anyone knows anybody, isn't that what they all say? I know her better than a lot, but not best of all. There are probably things you know about her that I don't, just as the opposite is probably true as well. I certainly know her better than I did over two years ago.
Don't even try to advise me on relationships. Until you watch the one you love bleed to death in your arms, don't even fucking dare!
How is she taking it out on her friends? Did you even read the entire post, or just take what you could twist and use in your reply? The distance and indifference that she's bestowed upon me is the same that she's bestowed upon others as well because of the hurt she endured by her boyfriend. I've talked to some of these people, and if a lot of people are saying the same thing, well, they can't all be wrong. We may not be blamed, but we're sure as hell taking the brunt of it.
Yes, most people I chat with on-line do give me pretty detailed answers when I ask them how they're doing. I do the same for them, so it's a line that usually runs both ways. I also chat with her on the phone; our friendship is not just words on the screen.
As far as making the effort, that's exactly what I do. I said that I make the time when I have it. And maybe she doesn't think about me while I'm offline, but I still think about her and how she's doing. However, let me enlighten you just a bit on my situation, whether or not you care. I work at Toyota, building the Camry, the number one selling car in this country. I work second-shift, and my hours are 5:15 p.m. to 2:00 a.m., without overtime. And currently, I average about an hour overtime, because we are gearing up for the major model change this Fall. On top of that, I have an hour and a half drive to and from work. Also, I'm in the Eastern time zone. I suppose I could work an easier job with better hours, but see, I don't want to live check-to-check just making ends meet. I've made it no secret that during the week, I have no time. And yes, all of my friendships have suffered because of it. But I still make the effort. I've e-mailed her in the past (with rarely a reply), I'd chat with her on-line or call her to see how she's doing. She's never returned the favor for me, and I have less time available than she does. I've never expected to be at the top of the totem pole, but I don't deserve to be at the bottom, regardless. So I think you need to talk to her about making the effort. Because of all my friends, she's the only one acting funny.
As for the trust issue, she does need to get over it. The parents thing has been going on for years, so she should have learned to deal with it somewhere along the way. And as for the boyfriend, that's been months ago. My post didn't just come out of nowhere in an instant. It's boiled up for months, until I rounded that same bend time and again with her that it seemed reasoning with her was futile. The way she's behaving towards me and others has nothing to do with me or them. But we have to deal with it nonetheless. I mean, how long does it take for someone to open up their eyes and turn the page?
So if I feel just a tad slighted, then I have good reason to be. I don't coddle her, and I won't. She's an adult, and I have treated her like one. I have been very supportive of her and have listened countless times to her problems. But now, it seems she only wants to be responsible when she wants to be. To hell with me, and to hell with anyone else left in her wake, that is how she's made it feel. I have gave and gave and gave until I felt like the fucking "Giving Tree", and you know how that story ends. So the next time you want to reply, go ask her about where I'm coming from before you assume that I'm solely at fault.
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I don't really think it is a pretentious question, I merely asked if you knew her. I mean, you went on to make many assumptions and judgments based on some type of relationship with her that I didn't know the extent of. I figured that I should at least find out what I was dealing with. Yes, I worded it badly, but we all make mistakes.
I don't believe I said anything regarding you and relationships. Instead, I just made general comments about the situation you described her in.
If she is bestowing distance and indifference on you and everyone you've talked to, then maybe she just needs some space at the moment. Everyone has times where they just need to be by themselves so they can think and whatnot. And yes, as friends we will take the brunt of it. But rather than complaining about it, offer a shoulder for her to lean on and talk about it. Friends can be a very powerful support structure to help us heal from our pains.
I don't really see how it is important that you work at Toyota making cars. Yes, I see that the hours you work aren't exactly the best for chatting, but then you already conceded that. So, you put the effort into it, and she still doesn't reply. And all of your friendships have suffered because of your work schedule. And even with all the effort you have put in, she doesn't return the favor. So, maybe she has moved on?
I know she needs to get over the trust thing... if you notice I said that in my reply. Yes, she has had a problem with her step-mom for a long time. However, this is where my original question comes in. If you knew her then you would know that she has found a way to deal with the problem -- avoidance. While not the best solution, it is a temporary solution. As for the boyfriend, things like that take time. You don't get over broken trust quickly. While you may think that she should be over it by now, she isn't and that is something we have to deal with. So, yes I am agreeing with you that she needs to get over it. However, I think that she will when she does. It is nothing that can controlled or altered by anyone but herself.
Detailed posts like yours don't just come up in an instant, I know this. However, as you said you try to talk to her, maybe this should have been something that you should have talked to her, or tried to talk to her about. And sometimes, exercises in futility are necessary to eventually get through to a person.
How long does it take someone to open their eyes and turn the page? As long as they need. If she needs a week, she will take a week. If she needs a month, she will take a month. If she needs a year, she will take a year. If she needs till the end of time, well, you get the idea. There is no formula for how long it takes for people to recover from the stuff that occurs in their lives.
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I made no assumptions of her, but yes, I did make quite a few judgments based upon our past. You admitted yourself that you don't know the extent of the relationship I have/had with her. I may not have the whole story, but I have most of the book.
When it comes to relationships, be it mine or generally speaking, I rarely take others' words/advice. I've lost more in my short time than most will in an entire lifetime. I tolerate older people when they offer advice, but that's because I respect their seniority. However, there are only a very, very few, select people whom I will genuinely accept their words, and most of them are in the same boat as me. Granted, you know nothing of my past, but your comments, general as they may have been, seemed more like I was being talked down to.
I know the world does not stop for me. It didn't stop for me seven years ago, it doesn't stop for her, and it won't stop for anyone. I knew that before I even wrote my initial post. But when someone is hurt, they will lash out. No, I never wanted to hurt her, but I had to get her attention. I did try to tell her how I felt, but we ended up pushing each other's buttons, and she got upset and I dropped it. She's not the only one in this world to ever feel pain. And whether or not she knows it, she hurt me too.
I know all about her step-mom, boyfriends, her back, surgery, etc. And avoidance is not dealing with anything; it's fucking running away. There's nothing temporary about it. She's been doing it since before we met, and she continues to do so. She's been doing it for so long, and used the same excuses as crutches to justify her running away that the whole cycle is self-reinforced. Hell, she may not even know any better anymore. But I always treated her like an equal, something that a lot of people (even people on her side of the screen), failed to do. I even offered her solutions to her problems, but she would have to be the one to enact them. I guess though, that it's easier to just go with what you know. She told me that she didn't know if she could ever trust anyone again. That's a hell of a thing to say to someone who never treated her wrong.
Everything you have said, I have done. I've been the shoulder that she leaned on to talk about whatever, and as for space, well, the only chance I have to talk with her is on the weekends. Reading what you said about exercises in futility... I don't know what it will take to get through to her. I know she read my post and was hurt, but did she even bother to ask herself why I wrote it in the first place? I don't think she did, I really don't.
So the only thing I am left with in your reply is that maybe she has moved on... While I seriously doubt that, I have been wrong before. But if (and I stress the IF) that is the case, then she should have told me. Something like, "I'm done having you as a friend." Yeah, that would hurt and suck, but it's still a hell of a lot better than being left like a spider holding on while being blown around in the wind. Because if she has moved on with our friendship, then not letting me know is a pretty fucking shitty thing to do to someone.
But I don't think that's the case, and until I'm proven otherwise, then I still believe in her. And while people heal at different rates, there is a limit to everything. People will only stand outside in the cold and rain so long waiting for someone to let them back in before they're tired of having their time wasted. Being patient is one thing, being taken for granted is another.
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