.happily ever fucking after.

[crimson_ice77]

Usually Im a pretty happy person. I wouldn't say i over-react or get upset easily. However, there are a few things that i really just cannot stand.. at all. One of those is when people say "Oh, i'll call you back (replace back with later, tonight, etc.)" and never had the intention of doing so. Why do people do this? I don't get it, i don't tell people i'll call them back if i don't wanna talk to them, i'll either make up some lamo excuse to get off the phone with them, or just not answer my phone in the first place if i don't feel like talking to them. It accomplishes nothing by saying you'll call someone back and then don't, except it might piss the other person off. Like me right now. Especially when the said person is your boyfriend. Of almost 8 months. And it's not just today that he did this- he does it almost every time he's away bowling. I always feel like i call him too much and that he never calls me back every time he leaves for one of those damn MJMA type tournaments. And i hate feeling this way, it's a rather icky feeling. I feel as if he blows me off for his bowling friends whenever he goes to these tournaments, and what sucks even more is that most of them are coming to GV next year. So i will get blown off even more.. FUCKING AWESOME (sarcasm). And he wonders why i worry every time he leaves for one of these things.. maybe because he never even tries to call me while he's there, what am i supposed to think? I'm sorry im used to having boyfriends that call me alot when i can't see them, i didn't think that was too much to ask for. I love Brandon, i want this to work, but lately it seems like all im doing is trying to hold onto something that isn't there, and that the harder i try, the more he pushes me away. And i don't like it. At all. You can't force someone to love you; it's not that i doubt he loves me, just not nearly as much as i love him. I want someone who defends me infront of his friends, sticks up for me when anonymous shits say crap on LJ/xanga. He says that it doesn't matter, since they're just anonymous and not worth his time, but yet here i sit thinking i would do that for him. He's my boyfriend and i love him and it hurts me to see people saying shit, be it anonymous or not, it doesn't even matter. I want someone who is addicted to me as much as i am to them, where im the first thing they think about when i wake up and the last thing they think about when they fall asleep. Because that's what love is to me, and if that's not love, then i don't think i know what is. For the first time, i feel like i have something that is worth holding on to, and it scares the fuck outta me. Because i don't want to mess it up, i don't want to lose it. But i can't help thinking that that's what's happening; that it isn't worth fighting for because no matter what i do, it won't work. I'll always call him more than he'll call me, i'll always miss him more than he'll miss me, i'll always want to see him more than he'll want to see me. I've never felt this way before- usually it's the other way around where i'll be the one that is "less interested" and is feeling smothered (i don't know if Brandon is for sure though) and they're the one that is always calling me. Like Frank used to call me at least twice a day, which i actually liked, and after being with him for over two years, i guess i just got used to that. Maybe i was spoiled, who knows. Either way, i still can't help feeling this way and i wish i didn't. Without sounding stuckup, i can't help but think that Brandon is taking everything for granted, and by everything i mean in regards to our relationship. Right now, i can think of at least two or three people that would love to be my boyfriend (to quote: "i would give up anything and everything that i could just to be with you") and i can't help but wish that Brandon would make me feel as special and important to him as these people do. Im not trying to compare or anything, but if other people see me as being a blessing in their life, how come Brandon doesn't see it that way? And i feel like an egotistical bitch saying that, but i don't know how to put it any other way to avoid that. Brandon means the world and more to me, and im not saying he doesn't feel the same about me, but only that i wish he was more showing (for lack of a better term) of that feeling. If that makes sense, my head is spinning with emotions right now so im not sure if this is coming out completely coherent so i apologize to anyone that reads it. Most of these feelings have come on since Brandon left for nationals in Indiana, for a week, which made me realize how much i really do love and miss him. While i didn't see him every day, it was just comforting to know he was only 20 minutes away if i needed him. Not to mention this will be the longest we've ever been apart and the most distance. And Brandon, as i write this, i can't help but also be scared of what you will think if you read it. I want this relationship to work more than anything, and im just trying to get my thoughts out there because i usually feel better after writing in here- i vent when im upset, it's just what i do. And it helps. I talked with him a little about it on the phone tonight, but i'd much rather do it in person- i like to see facial reactions and all that crap. I just want to know if this'll all be worth it in the end, or if im just wasting my time. While im only 19, and it might sound scary that im sounding so serious about a relationship, i want to get married when im 22.. that's in three years. And i think i've had my fair share of relationships throughout my life, so i know what i want. Brandon freaks out everytime i even hint at any idea/possibility of marriage (not even necessarily with him- if i see a pretty wedding dress in the mall it's, "don't get any ideas" not "oh yeah that is pretty"). It's almost as if he's terrified of any type of long-term committment which thus in turn petrifies me because at this age, im not looking for "flings" anymore. I want committment and i want a serious relationship. I don't have time to waste on something that isn't even going anywhere and sometimes i can't help but feel that's what im doing. I don't want to do that anymore, i want something that's going to go somewhere and mean something down the road. I've had enough "learning experience" type of relationships and know what i do and don't want in a boyfriend; i don't need to spend any more time figuring that out. And maybe Brandon does, which is fine, i just wish he would tell me that. I feel as if we're on different levels, and the crazy part is that you would think that im the one that is inexperienced, since im 2 years younger than he is, but yet i feel that he's the less experienced one here. And i can't do anything about that, all i want is for him to be able to honestly tell me that he does truly love me and that he does believe that this will go somewhere in the long run. Because that's how i feel, and it would only make sense to me for him to feel the same. I want butterflies when i kiss, i want flowers on anniversaries, i want phone calls for no reason other than to say "i love you"- i just want to feel special. I want to feel as important to Brandon as he is to me. I want love like in the movies- that "can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the moon, world series kinda thing."
::EDIT:: I just found this and it couldn't be more fitting-
.you dont realize how much you really love someone until you think about letting them go because you're tired of the fights but then you think about those fights being with someone else and it crushes you.