to mark the end of a chapter
apparently i've been hiding behind royal indignation over social injustice rather than keeping a real journal. me and the internet just don't have the relationship we once had. maybe cuz i can't trust it worth a damn?
the last week has been brutal, difficult, exhausting, demanding, and draining. i came back from home completely worn out from dealing with all the family stuff. i haven't really gotten back into my groove at school yet. i miss kelly. AND. i made and articulated a choice over the weekend, and as a result, won't be associating with a certain person.
i know it was the right thing to do, but i still feel bad about it, because the person in question never had bad intentions. in his way he cares about me. he's even taken steps to avoid the behaviours that caused me pain in the past. and we haven't been as close as we once were - hence, he can't hurt me as bad as he once could, and did. but even in a more casual association, the behaviours still crop up, and they still hurt. and in the last 4+ years i know i've given more than 50, forgiven more, offered more, gone more than halfway. it has coloured my life too much, and has strongly affected the people closest to me, and i do not want it to complicate or threaten my relationships with them anymore. i'm ready for a life without it. i still care about him, and i want him to be safe, happy and successful in his life, but i don't want or need to be a part of that anymore. maybe someday things can be different, but right now, this was the right thing to do for ME.
heartless? or growing a backbone? both? it depends what kind of mood i'm in. it was the right thing to do, period.
things are looking up. i'm doing homework again. having good chats with friends. when i came home, i found roses. and there's an angel watching me, and i think she's proud.
the last week has been brutal, difficult, exhausting, demanding, and draining. i came back from home completely worn out from dealing with all the family stuff. i haven't really gotten back into my groove at school yet. i miss kelly. AND. i made and articulated a choice over the weekend, and as a result, won't be associating with a certain person.
i know it was the right thing to do, but i still feel bad about it, because the person in question never had bad intentions. in his way he cares about me. he's even taken steps to avoid the behaviours that caused me pain in the past. and we haven't been as close as we once were - hence, he can't hurt me as bad as he once could, and did. but even in a more casual association, the behaviours still crop up, and they still hurt. and in the last 4+ years i know i've given more than 50, forgiven more, offered more, gone more than halfway. it has coloured my life too much, and has strongly affected the people closest to me, and i do not want it to complicate or threaten my relationships with them anymore. i'm ready for a life without it. i still care about him, and i want him to be safe, happy and successful in his life, but i don't want or need to be a part of that anymore. maybe someday things can be different, but right now, this was the right thing to do for ME.
heartless? or growing a backbone? both? it depends what kind of mood i'm in. it was the right thing to do, period.
things are looking up. i'm doing homework again. having good chats with friends. when i came home, i found roses. and there's an angel watching me, and i think she's proud.