it's time for the fuzzy socks and slippers.
ok I am sharing this:
everything is accelerating and intensifying.
the painting I am working on is quite possibly one of the best if not the best one to date. it's surely taking its sweet time and pressuring me with its demands of hyperfocus, subconscious journeying, and detail work. the levels of difficulty with each subsequent piece build if I let them. I'm letting them. the pressure is pressure I put upon myself, but also pressure from the world around me.
I can't please everyone all at once. I am one person, one woman trying to do very many things right now, all at once. I am making progress but I hope those in my life can please be patient with me as I struggle to navigate and swim the waters of transition, transformation, evolution...
I am trying to help those around me whom I care about but also need to put my time into my work right now.
the world of art is so difficult. the incline is unbelievably steep and it continually increases in degree. it does not leave much room for anything else. I am forcing time for relationships and life. I've also made sacrifices and have worked very hard - and yet not hard enough - to get to where I am, which is a place where doorways are opening. as doorways open for me, I can open doors for others around me as well. it is not all about me. far from it. I feel this tremendous sense of responsibility that is difficult to make sense of, cyclically speaking.
to continually brush paint onto canvas is not the point.
what is the point?
my desktop pc gave me the black screen of death, which I am working through.
I am also journeying from time to time within The Black Bag.
I feel at times closer and other times progressively farther away from everyone else in my life. continuing to journey through the arts is progressively also leading to increased demands for isolation and a swimming through my own core. those who I am close to, I often feel so distant from. I try to explain myself, my process, my thoughts, and often feel that it is futile. perhaps I should just keep many of these things to myself and just let them feed my work. my work that is often all consuming, my work which may not be fully understood by any other soul than my own, and even within my own soul, its content, meaning, implications, ... its inner truths continue to elude me to some degree. why do I paint all of the images which are created? I honestly do not know. I know that I have this absolute need - or at least desire - to paint the things I do, when I do. when the desire or want or need is at its highest degree it screams within me until I unleash it onto canvas.
I face not only the canvas but my inner desires, heart, soul, experiences, past, future, dreams, relationships, fears, anxieties, doubts, addictions, obsessions, compulsions, weaknesses, pride, ego, faith, love, lovers, sexuality, questions of identity, self-addiction, intellectual spirals of 'important concepts' and academic pursuits... these things and more do I face when I am painting. the more focused and "into" the painting I am, the more pure the creation, the more one with my inner core I am, and become. it is a journeying not only through the paint but a journeying inward, progressively, in through the passageways, caverns, of my heart, opening inward and infinitely through to the Creator who is ultimately love and holds infinite time, space, all of the above things in His loving hand and heart. I'm afraid - am I? - of what lies within my core as I am afraid to face the will of God although paradoxically it is the best thing for me due to his incredible and unfathomable love.
why the blue/green water, why the dark black metal partly rusted cage within it, why the light, where will this underwater journey continue to take me
everything is accelerating and intensifying.
the painting I am working on is quite possibly one of the best if not the best one to date. it's surely taking its sweet time and pressuring me with its demands of hyperfocus, subconscious journeying, and detail work. the levels of difficulty with each subsequent piece build if I let them. I'm letting them. the pressure is pressure I put upon myself, but also pressure from the world around me.
I can't please everyone all at once. I am one person, one woman trying to do very many things right now, all at once. I am making progress but I hope those in my life can please be patient with me as I struggle to navigate and swim the waters of transition, transformation, evolution...
I am trying to help those around me whom I care about but also need to put my time into my work right now.
the world of art is so difficult. the incline is unbelievably steep and it continually increases in degree. it does not leave much room for anything else. I am forcing time for relationships and life. I've also made sacrifices and have worked very hard - and yet not hard enough - to get to where I am, which is a place where doorways are opening. as doorways open for me, I can open doors for others around me as well. it is not all about me. far from it. I feel this tremendous sense of responsibility that is difficult to make sense of, cyclically speaking.
to continually brush paint onto canvas is not the point.
what is the point?
my desktop pc gave me the black screen of death, which I am working through.
I am also journeying from time to time within The Black Bag.
I feel at times closer and other times progressively farther away from everyone else in my life. continuing to journey through the arts is progressively also leading to increased demands for isolation and a swimming through my own core. those who I am close to, I often feel so distant from. I try to explain myself, my process, my thoughts, and often feel that it is futile. perhaps I should just keep many of these things to myself and just let them feed my work. my work that is often all consuming, my work which may not be fully understood by any other soul than my own, and even within my own soul, its content, meaning, implications, ... its inner truths continue to elude me to some degree. why do I paint all of the images which are created? I honestly do not know. I know that I have this absolute need - or at least desire - to paint the things I do, when I do. when the desire or want or need is at its highest degree it screams within me until I unleash it onto canvas.
I face not only the canvas but my inner desires, heart, soul, experiences, past, future, dreams, relationships, fears, anxieties, doubts, addictions, obsessions, compulsions, weaknesses, pride, ego, faith, love, lovers, sexuality, questions of identity, self-addiction, intellectual spirals of 'important concepts' and academic pursuits... these things and more do I face when I am painting. the more focused and "into" the painting I am, the more pure the creation, the more one with my inner core I am, and become. it is a journeying not only through the paint but a journeying inward, progressively, in through the passageways, caverns, of my heart, opening inward and infinitely through to the Creator who is ultimately love and holds infinite time, space, all of the above things in His loving hand and heart. I'm afraid - am I? - of what lies within my core as I am afraid to face the will of God although paradoxically it is the best thing for me due to his incredible and unfathomable love.
why the blue/green water, why the dark black metal partly rusted cage within it, why the light, where will this underwater journey continue to take me