watch out, i'm wearing my panic gear.
i can't sleep.
school is on my mind. i'm being kept awake by a tangible fear of not having a future. let's face it, i haven't been the best student the last few years. nothing really interests me anymore and i have lost any and all motivation to work or strive for anything. nothing appeals to me and because of that, i can't seem to want to narrow down a goal and actively pursue it.
my grades haven't come in for fall quarter yet and i am terrified to check them when they do. orgo was not good. not good. i just know i will have to retake it. organic chemistry. senior fall. the thought just makes me die a little inside. and if i do retake it, will i have enough credits to graduate on time? if not, can i afford an extra quarter? i feel like i've fucked myself over from the start. i don't know what i want and my gpa isn't helping me figure out my options. grad school is looking more and more like a dimming possibility and what can a gal do with a weak bachelor's in biology from a school no one has ever heard of? i don't care how good k is supposed to be, but no one outside of academia knows anything about it. at least a higher degree would get me somewhere.
sip season is here and as much as i'd like to pretend that i have ideas, i don't. i've never done research. i don't know how to write a resume. i have lost all confidence in my brains and abilities that there's no way i can fake it, not even on paper.
have the last three years been wasted on me? why don't i think about these things at school? when i'm at k, i'm worry-free. perhaps because i'm too busy to think about the things that actually matter. but whenever i come home, reality slaps me in the face and the future, or lack thereof, presses against me and i can't breathe. i regret the choices i've made but continually make. i resent myself for making them.
i really can't sleep.
school is on my mind. i'm being kept awake by a tangible fear of not having a future. let's face it, i haven't been the best student the last few years. nothing really interests me anymore and i have lost any and all motivation to work or strive for anything. nothing appeals to me and because of that, i can't seem to want to narrow down a goal and actively pursue it.
my grades haven't come in for fall quarter yet and i am terrified to check them when they do. orgo was not good. not good. i just know i will have to retake it. organic chemistry. senior fall. the thought just makes me die a little inside. and if i do retake it, will i have enough credits to graduate on time? if not, can i afford an extra quarter? i feel like i've fucked myself over from the start. i don't know what i want and my gpa isn't helping me figure out my options. grad school is looking more and more like a dimming possibility and what can a gal do with a weak bachelor's in biology from a school no one has ever heard of? i don't care how good k is supposed to be, but no one outside of academia knows anything about it. at least a higher degree would get me somewhere.
sip season is here and as much as i'd like to pretend that i have ideas, i don't. i've never done research. i don't know how to write a resume. i have lost all confidence in my brains and abilities that there's no way i can fake it, not even on paper.
have the last three years been wasted on me? why don't i think about these things at school? when i'm at k, i'm worry-free. perhaps because i'm too busy to think about the things that actually matter. but whenever i come home, reality slaps me in the face and the future, or lack thereof, presses against me and i can't breathe. i regret the choices i've made but continually make. i resent myself for making them.
i really can't sleep.