(no subject)
maryland was great. and ended too soon. i got to see some old friends and make a somewhat new one. another notch. the drive back from maryland gave me a lot of time to think. it was time to cut out the things that kept hurting me, no matter how hard it was or how many times i've said i would do it before. it may not seem like a lot, but its been almost a week. hopefully i will be strong enough this time... no, i WILL be strong enough this time. i won't be the one to go crawling back. the walls are back up.
this is my journal, and i shouldnt be afraid to write everything down. but i've been censoring and careful because i knew he would read it at some point. but ive always prided myself on being honest before, so if i can't even do it in my journal, when can i? so here goes...
I'm hurting. a lot. i want him. i need him. but i can't have him. so i'm keeping myself busy. and trying to build back up my confidence. part of this has been having meaningless flings. I have now had sex with 4 guys (3 new guys) and just hooked up with 1. and no one seems to understand this. the few who do think im going to end up hurting myself. i can't hurt myself any worse then he already has. every time it has happened it has been two consenting adults needing physical gratification. there have been no attachments. and i still want him after each and every one. so it's not me trying to replace him. it's scratching an itch. but because of this, some people's perspectives of me have changed. and thats the part that hurts. guess i should just stop caring what anyone else thinks, but these are opinions of people who i respect. guess i can't make everyone happy... not even myself.
So i've been really sick this past weekend. i woke up thursday and thought i would have to bring myself to the hospital because i couldn't breath because my throat was swollen shut and my glands were as big as golf balls. luckily it turned out ok and i just went to the doctors on friday instead. one good thing about it: apparently not being able to eat for three days helps you lose weight. lol ate my first real meal tonight since becoming sick and it tasted so good. i can't wait to be able to drink milk again. : ) i may have pushed myself a bit too much today because i played lazer tag at combat sports for tom's bday. i tried really hard not to run, but i couldn't help it when we played capture the flag... it was only me and another girl left for our team and we took out the other team and i stole the flag. though i couldn't really breath after that sprint, it was so much fun to be up and running about again. if this keeps up, it looks like i can actually go back to work on tuesday too! YAY!
things to look forward to this week:
- lunch with alex on tuesday
- home on thursday.
- Going to the club with roy, and maybe nikki and crissy friday night.
- going kickboxing with roy on saturday (hopefully i won't get mandated a double shift for work for the football game... probably will happen though. didnt the last two times)
And as for the rest... just living each day as it comes and making it up as a go along.
Night.
"state the obvious
i didn't get my perfect fantasy
i realize you loved yourself
more then you could ever love me."
this is my journal, and i shouldnt be afraid to write everything down. but i've been censoring and careful because i knew he would read it at some point. but ive always prided myself on being honest before, so if i can't even do it in my journal, when can i? so here goes...
I'm hurting. a lot. i want him. i need him. but i can't have him. so i'm keeping myself busy. and trying to build back up my confidence. part of this has been having meaningless flings. I have now had sex with 4 guys (3 new guys) and just hooked up with 1. and no one seems to understand this. the few who do think im going to end up hurting myself. i can't hurt myself any worse then he already has. every time it has happened it has been two consenting adults needing physical gratification. there have been no attachments. and i still want him after each and every one. so it's not me trying to replace him. it's scratching an itch. but because of this, some people's perspectives of me have changed. and thats the part that hurts. guess i should just stop caring what anyone else thinks, but these are opinions of people who i respect. guess i can't make everyone happy... not even myself.
So i've been really sick this past weekend. i woke up thursday and thought i would have to bring myself to the hospital because i couldn't breath because my throat was swollen shut and my glands were as big as golf balls. luckily it turned out ok and i just went to the doctors on friday instead. one good thing about it: apparently not being able to eat for three days helps you lose weight. lol ate my first real meal tonight since becoming sick and it tasted so good. i can't wait to be able to drink milk again. : ) i may have pushed myself a bit too much today because i played lazer tag at combat sports for tom's bday. i tried really hard not to run, but i couldn't help it when we played capture the flag... it was only me and another girl left for our team and we took out the other team and i stole the flag. though i couldn't really breath after that sprint, it was so much fun to be up and running about again. if this keeps up, it looks like i can actually go back to work on tuesday too! YAY!
things to look forward to this week:
- lunch with alex on tuesday
- home on thursday.
- Going to the club with roy, and maybe nikki and crissy friday night.
- going kickboxing with roy on saturday (hopefully i won't get mandated a double shift for work for the football game... probably will happen though. didnt the last two times)
And as for the rest... just living each day as it comes and making it up as a go along.
Night.
"state the obvious
i didn't get my perfect fantasy
i realize you loved yourself
more then you could ever love me."