SAY OOH. LA LA.
OHHHHH MAIIIIII JEEEEEEEBUS I AM SO IN NEED OF CONVERSATIONNNNNN. I forced myself out of my Batcave to go with Charmini to Southland today, which was good for me (as I suspected it would be) because I managed to get out of this hole for a moment and talk, which always brings me more to myself than stewing in my own brainjuice does, but UWAHHHHH. (My room = my Batcave, because even though it is bright with rainbow colors, I don't open the curtains often so it's dark during the day and I just sit in my big office chair with my big computer screen and BROOOOOOOD.) I'm going back to Hong Kong next Friday and I'm excited because THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME (also: DOG-WALKING) but at the same time I'm absolutely terrified because the boredom's been killing me here and back home... I love home, but there is NO ONE to talk to. And I can't just randomly approach people like I do here, because a) my Cantonese is awful and b) people aren't as open and/or friendly there; they'd think I was trying to steal their bag or something. And... I don't know if I can describe this accurately because I have had coffee today after a long period of not having any and now my brain's ticking a mile a minute. But lately? So much desperation. So much heartache. At night. Things are starting to feel pointless again; I'm starting to feel apathetic. And empty. I think I've identified one of the problems I had last year, along with loneliness and all that. Sometimes it feels like there's just a huge hole in my... my being somehow? Which sounds so cheesy aksjbakjgHEADWALL but it really does feel like that a lot of the time, like there's a big gaping bottomless hole in my soul and I'm grasping at things to fill it. Sometimes I have a huge urge to go out and spend all the money I have to buy material things that I don't really want, but I feel like I need because it... covers the hole. And it hurts when RL people don't want to talk to me because I feel like. They should be helping me. They should fill it. Which is completely untrue; if my soul's like a flippin' hunk of smelly Swiss cheese then only I can fill it; it's my bloody soul. But I don't know what'll work anymore. This year it's been better because I've been actively trying to make friends, and... y'know the thing about relationships? They're give and take. I honestly do believe that. You give away your, your trust, your love, parts of you; and you gain parts of them in exchange. That's why I feel gypped sometimes when I tell someone everything about me but they refuse to trust me with anything about them, even if they've suddenly come down with... with I dunno, lung cancer or something. But sometimes you gain and you can feel them wanting you around, them trusting you, their love for you and all that, even if it's unsaid. And that fills the holes. Recently, there's been a huge desire for intimacy -- emotional, not physical -- where you're close friends with someone and can be yourself and trust them and... everything. But it's missing from my life. And to be honest -- I mean, I'll try, I'm not gonna just sloth around like I always do, but -- I don't know if I can get that in Hong Kong. At least here I have a few people I can count on for at least ten minutes of conversation before we all scuttle back into our respective hidey-holes to revise for exams. But none of my friends will be back in Hong Kong when I'm back. And like I said, it's not like I can just talk to some random person on the street and be like "HERE'S MY NUMBER NOW CALL ME LET'S BE BFFL 8D" I'm actually--
-- NEW PARAGRAPH BECAUSE MY PREVIOUS ONE WAS HUMONGOUS -- I'm actually really nervous about going home for that reason. The isolation and all that. The last thing I want is for things to get worse. And my room back home is tiny. I love it, but the feeling of claustrophobia? Magnified at least by three.
I'm also. Really scared of meeting friends who're in relationships now. Because I'm happy for them, but I. I can't. If they keep talking about theirs I don't know how I'll be able to resist punching them in the face. I'm not even exaggerating here. The idea of it makes me feel so sick.
WELL, anyway. That's my rant over! Um. Yeah. Deep breath, keep moving forward, don't dwell on fear and all that. First things first: PACK MY STUFF. I've been slowly moving things out of my room. I think all of my posters are coming down tonight s-sob. I'll miss having a rainbow room and toys all over my bed. I love my colors and squishy things.
ALSO yes I know I pimped this song out a while ago but I found a YouTube mashup and it is the greatest. After all the scantily-clad chicks stop dancing around the airplane, I mean.
Click to viewI totally wish that like, I was back in junior school where we had to dance to the Greased Lightning megamix. I was one of the boys and I got to wear black and gel my hair and twirl my friend around (in rehearsal, anyway; she was sick on the day so I had to twirl air, CRAI) and it was awesome because LOOK AT HOW THE BOYS DANCE IN GREASE. All with the dorky moves and like, chicken wing arm-flapping and legs crooked and it was fucking awesome, even if I did look like a huge 'tard doing it. I wanna drag my friends to the beach when they get back and blast this song; it's SUCH a great beach song.
edit: Randomly, guys, what accent do you read in when you read to yourself? I mean, what's the accent of the voice in your head. I realized quite recently that I used to read with an Aussie accent 'cause of my Criminology teacher last year, but now it's reverted to a British accent. I've made myself start writing again, not for show but just to get the creative juices flowing again, and although my characters are supposed to be American, I have to actually struggle to keep 'Britishisms' from infecting my writing-- like using "brilliant" to mean "awesome", and "bloody" to mean "very".