To be truthfully honest...
In 3 hours, I'll be starting bar tending training for Universal Studios Orlando's Halloween Horror Nights 2009. Holy Fuck, so excited.
I'm finally going to be a bartender! My master plan is slowly but surely coming together.
I know that I always say that my life is one of God's favorite jokes, and this comes as no exception. I'm going to be a bartender for only a month. However, there are certain side benefits, to being a holy practical joke. The money I make from this is going to pay for my play to enter the 2010 Fringe Festival. I also, still don't have to work more than 3 days a week. But, I have to give one day a weekend devoted to people who are tired of me, I'm tired of, and feel like they don't appreciate me. Feels good to be back in the corporate world.
Barbacking for the past year, has taught me a lot about myself. I don't give up, It's hard for me to let go, and most importantly your bosses are always your bosses even if you're friends outside of work. The first two have proved to be a severe detriment to me quitting being crazy, but are astonishingly helpful in the workplace.
There is a period in the last three years where Roleplaying D-bag and M.E.I.C. (Massively Egotistical Inferiority Complex) combined forces with my abuse of marijuana among other illegal substances and a fervent against all odds hope that things would work out, even though all logic and reason told me that it wouldn't, and I'm honestly surprised I wasn't committed. I think I probably would've preferred to be beating my brains out screaming about teletubbies and other such nonsense wrapped in a straight jacket in a padded room, then have to deal with that period of my life again.
The remaining tidbit of this encounter with two people, who are massively better at playing head games than I am, because I don't. I admit I do have sort of a God complex, in that I try to arrange situations so they are to the benefit of everyone. What I have found is that no matter how well you know people they are always going to surprise you and veer off on their own course. Even like any given night at the bar, no matter how much I plan and oversee, something is going to go wrong. You let go, you learn to deal with what you've got and avoid problems. Oh, so the point of this whole paragraph was that I have verbal diarrhea and need to learn to keep my mouth shut. I feel like when I get close to people I pull an emo kid and start spouting all these feelings cause my mind is going crazy and all I'm waiting for is for someone to go, "Shut up! You're fine!" And the worst part about it is I'm the person who needs to go shut up, but I seem to have forgotten that you know tiny fuck off part of shit that you need to know.
While I am being truthfully honest, I think it's time that I just put this out there. I drink like a fish, smoke like a chimney, am scared to death of the things I want most, more often than am paranoid out of my mind, and I'm not that bad off. I'm also a bit of a drama queen. Maybe that's why I'm a bottom. Fuck it, call me a bitch, tell me how it's going to be.
It's funny because I know that I can generally guess what everyone is thinking, like when you know that someone is really tired of hearing you talk, almost as much as you are tired of them hearing you talking or as much as you are tired of talking. But then the word vomit comes at you like a giant herd of rhinos and bison and it's all like RAWR out of your mouth. You have to imagine elephants, but not normal elephants. They don't get the job done. Clearly, I need like assassin elephants, with huge fuck off machine guns, and multiple swords (of course they also have amazing ninja skills). Pretty much you have five elephants against this huge gigantic herd of fuck off word vomit rhinos and bison. The elephants aren't scared, they know exactly what's coming. They have that little glint in their eyes that says come get this shit motherfucker. And then they leap up and slam into the ground and the rhinos and bison get scared as they charge forward a little more hesitant with every step. Dust flies up and engulfs the herd before shrieks pierce the air. The ground cracks and crumbles running deep with the blood of bad rhino bison word vomit bullshit go cut yourself in the bathroom and die and the sun shines on Elephants in leather.
No one ever knows what I'm thinking about. I'm really glad I thought of the elephants. I forgot about words, they are very useful, I should use them more carefully.
Pretty much, I'm on track. I've still got some kinks to work out, but for the most part, I've cut the bad out of my life. I don't think I love myself enough yet, I know I say it to myself a lot, and I've definitely been having more moments of clarity and love for myself in the past month or so, but I'm not at the place, where I can let someone in without feeling like I'm dumping on them. Dumping truckloads of rhinos and bison. I haven't built up my elephant assassins. I need a montage. You know, when you hear a really depressing monologue in a movie or someone is telling something really bad, but they say it in a way that doesn't immerse you in it, you are just glimpsing it. They are past it they've moved on. I am move on guy. I am not bound by the mistakes of the past mine or others, I've lived, I've learned. I've grown.
I know that in terms of horror and fuck upery I generally fall in the middle: can still be trumped, but not exactly a walk in the park. Enough to make me really strong though.
God, I needed to write. I started praying again. It's been helping.
Drinking should not be my hobby!
I'm finally going to be a bartender! My master plan is slowly but surely coming together.
I know that I always say that my life is one of God's favorite jokes, and this comes as no exception. I'm going to be a bartender for only a month. However, there are certain side benefits, to being a holy practical joke. The money I make from this is going to pay for my play to enter the 2010 Fringe Festival. I also, still don't have to work more than 3 days a week. But, I have to give one day a weekend devoted to people who are tired of me, I'm tired of, and feel like they don't appreciate me. Feels good to be back in the corporate world.
Barbacking for the past year, has taught me a lot about myself. I don't give up, It's hard for me to let go, and most importantly your bosses are always your bosses even if you're friends outside of work. The first two have proved to be a severe detriment to me quitting being crazy, but are astonishingly helpful in the workplace.
There is a period in the last three years where Roleplaying D-bag and M.E.I.C. (Massively Egotistical Inferiority Complex) combined forces with my abuse of marijuana among other illegal substances and a fervent against all odds hope that things would work out, even though all logic and reason told me that it wouldn't, and I'm honestly surprised I wasn't committed. I think I probably would've preferred to be beating my brains out screaming about teletubbies and other such nonsense wrapped in a straight jacket in a padded room, then have to deal with that period of my life again.
The remaining tidbit of this encounter with two people, who are massively better at playing head games than I am, because I don't. I admit I do have sort of a God complex, in that I try to arrange situations so they are to the benefit of everyone. What I have found is that no matter how well you know people they are always going to surprise you and veer off on their own course. Even like any given night at the bar, no matter how much I plan and oversee, something is going to go wrong. You let go, you learn to deal with what you've got and avoid problems. Oh, so the point of this whole paragraph was that I have verbal diarrhea and need to learn to keep my mouth shut. I feel like when I get close to people I pull an emo kid and start spouting all these feelings cause my mind is going crazy and all I'm waiting for is for someone to go, "Shut up! You're fine!" And the worst part about it is I'm the person who needs to go shut up, but I seem to have forgotten that you know tiny fuck off part of shit that you need to know.
While I am being truthfully honest, I think it's time that I just put this out there. I drink like a fish, smoke like a chimney, am scared to death of the things I want most, more often than am paranoid out of my mind, and I'm not that bad off. I'm also a bit of a drama queen. Maybe that's why I'm a bottom. Fuck it, call me a bitch, tell me how it's going to be.
It's funny because I know that I can generally guess what everyone is thinking, like when you know that someone is really tired of hearing you talk, almost as much as you are tired of them hearing you talking or as much as you are tired of talking. But then the word vomit comes at you like a giant herd of rhinos and bison and it's all like RAWR out of your mouth. You have to imagine elephants, but not normal elephants. They don't get the job done. Clearly, I need like assassin elephants, with huge fuck off machine guns, and multiple swords (of course they also have amazing ninja skills). Pretty much you have five elephants against this huge gigantic herd of fuck off word vomit rhinos and bison. The elephants aren't scared, they know exactly what's coming. They have that little glint in their eyes that says come get this shit motherfucker. And then they leap up and slam into the ground and the rhinos and bison get scared as they charge forward a little more hesitant with every step. Dust flies up and engulfs the herd before shrieks pierce the air. The ground cracks and crumbles running deep with the blood of bad rhino bison word vomit bullshit go cut yourself in the bathroom and die and the sun shines on Elephants in leather.
No one ever knows what I'm thinking about. I'm really glad I thought of the elephants. I forgot about words, they are very useful, I should use them more carefully.
Pretty much, I'm on track. I've still got some kinks to work out, but for the most part, I've cut the bad out of my life. I don't think I love myself enough yet, I know I say it to myself a lot, and I've definitely been having more moments of clarity and love for myself in the past month or so, but I'm not at the place, where I can let someone in without feeling like I'm dumping on them. Dumping truckloads of rhinos and bison. I haven't built up my elephant assassins. I need a montage. You know, when you hear a really depressing monologue in a movie or someone is telling something really bad, but they say it in a way that doesn't immerse you in it, you are just glimpsing it. They are past it they've moved on. I am move on guy. I am not bound by the mistakes of the past mine or others, I've lived, I've learned. I've grown.
I know that in terms of horror and fuck upery I generally fall in the middle: can still be trumped, but not exactly a walk in the park. Enough to make me really strong though.
God, I needed to write. I started praying again. It's been helping.
Drinking should not be my hobby!