Tonight i could write the saddest lines...
The sky woke me up, crying violently very early this morning.
I agree with her.....
Yesterday, i woke up to a text from one of my most favorite people, reminding me it was time to get up and help him move.
Away.
It's not ever going to be the same again.
He really did move.
There was no fight. I'd known for a few weeks now that he would be leaving forever.
For months i thought he was staying.
All along, i have hoped things would never change.
But things always change. Nothing is meant to stay the same.
He is going somewhere else; I'm his friend, and i can support him and be there for him as much as i can still, or i can be an idiot and let the hurt of this new distance stop me from enjoying his company.
Hurt, please go away. He is so much more important than you are.
Before i had ever met him, i did not know i needed to know him. I did not realize all the things he would teach me, and how many things could be unspoken lessons.
I remember that very first wonderful day! Knowing him now, he acted just as i would have expected; he had to be the one to hold that sign. It probably bothered him that he wasn't sitting on the end of the row, all the way to the left (though it was just one seat over from where he was). Instead, i was sitting there.
Talking to him on the short walk from one building to another, both of us were so open, trusting, and friendly to the brand new stranger whose stride matched our own.
We had both been determined to find a friend, but we really didn't have to look so hard.
I was meant to know him.
I lost track of him for hours that day, but kept wondering if i would ever see him again. He is easy to pick out in a crowd, so long as he isn't hidden behind a lamp post...
We met again at the end of the day. He already had other brand new acquaintances chatting and laughing around him; the boy is a black hole of personality, pulling you in with a brilliant smile, bubbly laughter, and unique wit.
We worked on that huge group art project side by side, as we would for so many projects from then on.
I love his effortlessly doodled designs...
I adore my unique memory of getting our IDs together, and that we have photos of ourselves from the first day we met forever in our transcripts.
He had such a strange last name...
I weirded him out by asking if he wanted to join me for game night that first weekend. Why yes, he'd love to spend an hour in the car with a near-complete stranger on his way to somewhere he'd no idea of, to hang out with people who were mutually unaware of his existence! Taken all in stride.
I would expect no less now that i know him.
He fits in perfectly with any group of people he is around. He is a social amoeba, quickly morphing and adapting to whatever situation he finds himself in. Kids stick to him, peers all know him, adults can't stop talking to him.
I have no doubt he is someone meant to be extra special.
I just want to stay close him and watch him be so special...
Will i get to know him so long?
No longer will we have any spur-of-the-moment late-night walks to the river. I wish i could recall more specific memories about the hours we spent walking and talking...
What a valuable person he was for me to learn this new city.
We had so many classes together that first semester.
It was beautifully serendipitous because neither of us had picked our schedules.
We were fated to know one another.
I loved getting to proof read his essays, and helping him get better grades. I learned a lot about him from a few dozen pages. I still have most of them on my computer, though they haven't been touched since they were due.
Is that strange?
I remember that time in the car, having known one another for just a handful of weeks, when i remarked that this city's traffic would be the death of me, and for as much as we hung out and drove around, he would probably be in my car accident as well. I expected an, "I don't want to die." or, "You better avoid the accident." or something similar, but instead, again he took it in stride, shrugging his shoulders and stating, "If i die in a car accident with you, then it was meant to be."
Sometimes i wished for him to be more confrontational. Why did we always get along?
As we got to know one another better, i got my wish.
But in a good way.
Oh yes, i have had my times of being upset with him, hurt by him, or not talking to him. The sometimes childish arguing just makes our friendship stronger. I was usually the child.
I would not change any of it.
I was meant to know him.
I remember hours spent on homework at his place. Hours in his tiny, tiny apartment, cooking powdered alfredo, drinking earl grey tea, watching him purposely set raw pasta aflame (and then stuff the charred, withered remains in an empty wine bottle with a dozen other strands). How many times in a row did we watch Phantom of the Opera that one night?
I remember hours spent on homework at my place. Hours spent fending hyper dogs off our charcoal drawings, and keeping cats out of paint water. I loved curling up and watching Wolf's Rain together.
I remember realizing i was in love with him...
I would still have written him that letter. He deserved to know how i felt, though i think my feelings are always such an open book to him, he already knew most everything. I do not regret letting such a valuable person in my life know how highly i thought of him. I'm glad it helped me forget being in love with him, otherwise this would hurt so much worse right now.
But i am meant to know him.
I remember when we met her. We make a good tripod. It was such a terrific bonding experience as we both realized how precious he was as he compulsively counted his steps within sidewalk sections on the way to the art supplies store. We all had our first class together, and remembered one another from orientation. I felt possessive at first, selfishly not wanting to share my new friend. I did not know he and i would become a notorious pair to nearly all, with her as our adored accomplice.
My hidden selfishness over his company shifted to a want for everyone to know him, because his infectiousness should be spread.
This much i do agree with.
I had confidence that he would always be my friend.
I think i have near-endless amounts of stories of him. I will forever refer back to him for so many things. He was vital to so much growth in my own self, and i have to credit my teacher. We had so much in common, i can relate nearly any subject or interest back to him.
Am i meant to still know him?
Just because he has moved from my school and city does not mean that we will stop talking altogether. I just will greatly miss the frequency with which we used to hang out. A walk with him was one of the best stress-reducers ever (until the talks of him moving came around).
I'm telling myself that this is a good thing, him moving away, because obviously i am much too attached to him.
Am i?
Where is the harm, other than the emotional pain to me? I'm always a friend who is there for him. I'd never intentionally harm him. I do think i treat him much like i would a younger brother. I buy things for him, drive him all over, make sure he remembers to eat, and feed his fish, watch out for him, give input on his homework...
I need to know him.
.
.
.
I feel hollow and sick.
Like this isn't right.
He wasn't supposed to leave.
I can't let it go that this feels like a mistake, and he should still be in this city.
I feel like i am standing on a rock, safe on the shore of a swiftly rising tide, screaming and crying at him to come back, but having to watch him wade out into the sea instead. He's gonna drown. Something is going to go wrong, and he is going to get hurt, and it is going to hurt me that i couldn't protect him and prevent it.
It might have ripped us apart if i had tried to tell him not to leave any more than i already did.
Was i supposed to try harder to convince him to stay?
But there were times i am sure my parents felt the same, but they watched me go similarly raging into the roaring sea.. I have gotten scarred and bruised..and i am still gaining more. I have changed. I am changing.
I don't want him to change.
I don't want him to change so much we no longer get along.
Is that possible?
I miss you already...
I agree with her.....
Yesterday, i woke up to a text from one of my most favorite people, reminding me it was time to get up and help him move.
Away.
It's not ever going to be the same again.
He really did move.
There was no fight. I'd known for a few weeks now that he would be leaving forever.
For months i thought he was staying.
All along, i have hoped things would never change.
But things always change. Nothing is meant to stay the same.
He is going somewhere else; I'm his friend, and i can support him and be there for him as much as i can still, or i can be an idiot and let the hurt of this new distance stop me from enjoying his company.
Hurt, please go away. He is so much more important than you are.
Before i had ever met him, i did not know i needed to know him. I did not realize all the things he would teach me, and how many things could be unspoken lessons.
I remember that very first wonderful day! Knowing him now, he acted just as i would have expected; he had to be the one to hold that sign. It probably bothered him that he wasn't sitting on the end of the row, all the way to the left (though it was just one seat over from where he was). Instead, i was sitting there.
Talking to him on the short walk from one building to another, both of us were so open, trusting, and friendly to the brand new stranger whose stride matched our own.
We had both been determined to find a friend, but we really didn't have to look so hard.
I was meant to know him.
I lost track of him for hours that day, but kept wondering if i would ever see him again. He is easy to pick out in a crowd, so long as he isn't hidden behind a lamp post...
We met again at the end of the day. He already had other brand new acquaintances chatting and laughing around him; the boy is a black hole of personality, pulling you in with a brilliant smile, bubbly laughter, and unique wit.
We worked on that huge group art project side by side, as we would for so many projects from then on.
I love his effortlessly doodled designs...
I adore my unique memory of getting our IDs together, and that we have photos of ourselves from the first day we met forever in our transcripts.
He had such a strange last name...
I weirded him out by asking if he wanted to join me for game night that first weekend. Why yes, he'd love to spend an hour in the car with a near-complete stranger on his way to somewhere he'd no idea of, to hang out with people who were mutually unaware of his existence! Taken all in stride.
I would expect no less now that i know him.
He fits in perfectly with any group of people he is around. He is a social amoeba, quickly morphing and adapting to whatever situation he finds himself in. Kids stick to him, peers all know him, adults can't stop talking to him.
I have no doubt he is someone meant to be extra special.
I just want to stay close him and watch him be so special...
Will i get to know him so long?
No longer will we have any spur-of-the-moment late-night walks to the river. I wish i could recall more specific memories about the hours we spent walking and talking...
What a valuable person he was for me to learn this new city.
We had so many classes together that first semester.
It was beautifully serendipitous because neither of us had picked our schedules.
We were fated to know one another.
I loved getting to proof read his essays, and helping him get better grades. I learned a lot about him from a few dozen pages. I still have most of them on my computer, though they haven't been touched since they were due.
Is that strange?
I remember that time in the car, having known one another for just a handful of weeks, when i remarked that this city's traffic would be the death of me, and for as much as we hung out and drove around, he would probably be in my car accident as well. I expected an, "I don't want to die." or, "You better avoid the accident." or something similar, but instead, again he took it in stride, shrugging his shoulders and stating, "If i die in a car accident with you, then it was meant to be."
Sometimes i wished for him to be more confrontational. Why did we always get along?
As we got to know one another better, i got my wish.
But in a good way.
Oh yes, i have had my times of being upset with him, hurt by him, or not talking to him. The sometimes childish arguing just makes our friendship stronger. I was usually the child.
I would not change any of it.
I was meant to know him.
I remember hours spent on homework at his place. Hours in his tiny, tiny apartment, cooking powdered alfredo, drinking earl grey tea, watching him purposely set raw pasta aflame (and then stuff the charred, withered remains in an empty wine bottle with a dozen other strands). How many times in a row did we watch Phantom of the Opera that one night?
I remember hours spent on homework at my place. Hours spent fending hyper dogs off our charcoal drawings, and keeping cats out of paint water. I loved curling up and watching Wolf's Rain together.
I remember realizing i was in love with him...
I would still have written him that letter. He deserved to know how i felt, though i think my feelings are always such an open book to him, he already knew most everything. I do not regret letting such a valuable person in my life know how highly i thought of him. I'm glad it helped me forget being in love with him, otherwise this would hurt so much worse right now.
But i am meant to know him.
I remember when we met her. We make a good tripod. It was such a terrific bonding experience as we both realized how precious he was as he compulsively counted his steps within sidewalk sections on the way to the art supplies store. We all had our first class together, and remembered one another from orientation. I felt possessive at first, selfishly not wanting to share my new friend. I did not know he and i would become a notorious pair to nearly all, with her as our adored accomplice.
My hidden selfishness over his company shifted to a want for everyone to know him, because his infectiousness should be spread.
This much i do agree with.
I had confidence that he would always be my friend.
I think i have near-endless amounts of stories of him. I will forever refer back to him for so many things. He was vital to so much growth in my own self, and i have to credit my teacher. We had so much in common, i can relate nearly any subject or interest back to him.
Am i meant to still know him?
Just because he has moved from my school and city does not mean that we will stop talking altogether. I just will greatly miss the frequency with which we used to hang out. A walk with him was one of the best stress-reducers ever (until the talks of him moving came around).
I'm telling myself that this is a good thing, him moving away, because obviously i am much too attached to him.
Am i?
Where is the harm, other than the emotional pain to me? I'm always a friend who is there for him. I'd never intentionally harm him. I do think i treat him much like i would a younger brother. I buy things for him, drive him all over, make sure he remembers to eat, and feed his fish, watch out for him, give input on his homework...
I need to know him.
.
.
.
I feel hollow and sick.
Like this isn't right.
He wasn't supposed to leave.
I can't let it go that this feels like a mistake, and he should still be in this city.
I feel like i am standing on a rock, safe on the shore of a swiftly rising tide, screaming and crying at him to come back, but having to watch him wade out into the sea instead. He's gonna drown. Something is going to go wrong, and he is going to get hurt, and it is going to hurt me that i couldn't protect him and prevent it.
It might have ripped us apart if i had tried to tell him not to leave any more than i already did.
Was i supposed to try harder to convince him to stay?
But there were times i am sure my parents felt the same, but they watched me go similarly raging into the roaring sea.. I have gotten scarred and bruised..and i am still gaining more. I have changed. I am changing.
I don't want him to change.
I don't want him to change so much we no longer get along.
Is that possible?
I miss you already...