(no subject)
It's been a while...
I'm glad this place still exist though, because I need it now. I need to get stuff off my chest about what's going on in my life, what happened and in what great mess I'm in.
It's good noone knows about this blog, it's a save haven, because what I'm going to tell is not pretty and I have no idea how, when and why it all started.
I got married yesterday. For real. R and I had been in a registered life partnership for two years and now that it's legalised, we basically had to say "yes" all over again. So that happened yesterday.
The thing is tho.... I'm in love with someone else.
I'm in this Blacklist community and there is this woman... let's call her S.
We've been friends for almost a year now. We started talking because we shared similiar situations at home. A partner who doesn't agree with our obsession. While R by now has accepted my need for writing fanfiction and being active in several fb groups, S's wife completely forbids her participation in any way.
And slowly, without really noticing it, we became closer. It all started in Oct. last year. I had been sick that one afternoon, S and wife were out for dinner and a concert that evening, when S secretly texted me in the restaurant bathroom because she worried about me. Her care and worry suddenly hit me in a different way. While I had never even considered before that I could be interested in her in "that" way, I found myself completely head over heels.
It was crazy. I started to think of her all the time and I missed her all the time when she wasn't around too.
I have another close friend in the BL fandom and I told her that I developed some inappropriate feelings for someone. She immediately knew who it was and while I fully expected her to tell me to let it go, to not even consider these feelings, she surprised me by saying to go for it. Because she wants me to be happy.
I haven't been happy in a long time. R has a serious drinking problem, always had and I've tolerated it for years. She gets verbally aggressive while drunk. This is considered as emotional abuse I think. I always hoped she would change, but she doesn't and probably never will.
This of course is no excuse and I'm not trying to justify my actions this way, but these circumstances of course made it easier to feel what I feel.
I have to confess that after M and C I mostly settled with R because it was save and healthy. It wasn't pink clouds or sexual attraction, it seemed drama free and it felt simply normal being with her and I thought that was a good thing. So you can say it was maybe a different kind of love to begin with.
I decided to keep everything to myself. I thought these feelings for S would pass in time. But then she started to send me things. For my birthday. For christmas. She sent me pictures of herself. She suggested actual phone calls. She called me "love" on christmas eve.
Some time between christmas and new years eve I finally confessed my feeling to her. And while she said "we" would be impossible, she admitted to be attracted to me and that she cares for me deeply too.
Since that confession things changed tho. We talked less and less, a strange painful distance grew. She was immensely upset when I told her that I would get married "again". I'm as upset today because she's going away with her wife for the weekend because its their 12. years anniversary of getting together.
There is a very fragile plan to meet S secretly while I'll be at the convention in may...
R has no idea. Apart from the fact that I'm a coward and can't be honest about how much I want us to end, I have no money to actually being able to leave. We planned a trip to New York in Sept. this year. It has eaten up all my savings. This has always been my dream.
So I'm staying and pretending all is well, which isn't.... I'm living a lie.
I wish I could stop loving S. She lives in a different country, she speaks a different language. We're so different. In appearance, in life style, in everything. We wouldn't fit together at all.
It's insane. I'm such a fool. Falling for someone this way is so unreasonable. I know.
And yet...
I'm totally screwed. This is a mess. It's awful and it's killing me.