back to square one...
i just want to cry and cry until there are no more tears left.
right now i feel stuck, though.
and i can feel the tears building inside, one by one by one, but they won't come out. not yet.
i hate that. 'cause now, when they do come, it's gonna be another goddamn breakdown.
everything was okay. well, maybe not okay. but i at least had a decent past couple of days. i was with my dad tonight and it's like he morphed into another person right in front of me. i was talking with him and all of a sudden it's like he's not there. i could've been talking to a brick wall. my mind filled up with all these images and sounds and snippets of conversation from when he was in the hospital after the stroke and that's exactly what it felt like. for an hour or so i was convinced that we had suddenly lost 2+ months of recovery time. like he reverted back to when he was not okay. and then i started to lose it. i got really really scared and was worried and confused and sad and angry and my first thought was to look at the window and think about jumping out of it. oh my goodness. i don't even know what's happening anymore. to me. to him. to anyone. i don't feel like myself. and i know he doesn't feel like himself. and i miss him and it's scary to be with someone one second and in the next they're just gone. just not there. and then he went into the other room and started muttering to himself and he said something about how it's too soon and he's not ready for me to go back to boulder. to leave. and my eyes welled up with tears right then. but i couldn't cry them. and all the guilt came rushing back. and i feel horrible for going away, for leaving him. and i'm scared because i'm not so sure about the whole recovery now. i think there's still a lot that's not healed. that's not quite right. and i don't want to be 1,000 miles away and not know. i'd rather be here and not know. but i know that if i'm here i'll go completely crazy. i can't handle it any longer. and it hurts me to think, to know, that i'm more than ready to leave but he's not.
and all of this when i was finally getting ready to take that deep breath and be happy and excited and all of those good things again. but for now, it looks like it's back to square one. ugh.
right now i feel stuck, though.
and i can feel the tears building inside, one by one by one, but they won't come out. not yet.
i hate that. 'cause now, when they do come, it's gonna be another goddamn breakdown.
everything was okay. well, maybe not okay. but i at least had a decent past couple of days. i was with my dad tonight and it's like he morphed into another person right in front of me. i was talking with him and all of a sudden it's like he's not there. i could've been talking to a brick wall. my mind filled up with all these images and sounds and snippets of conversation from when he was in the hospital after the stroke and that's exactly what it felt like. for an hour or so i was convinced that we had suddenly lost 2+ months of recovery time. like he reverted back to when he was not okay. and then i started to lose it. i got really really scared and was worried and confused and sad and angry and my first thought was to look at the window and think about jumping out of it. oh my goodness. i don't even know what's happening anymore. to me. to him. to anyone. i don't feel like myself. and i know he doesn't feel like himself. and i miss him and it's scary to be with someone one second and in the next they're just gone. just not there. and then he went into the other room and started muttering to himself and he said something about how it's too soon and he's not ready for me to go back to boulder. to leave. and my eyes welled up with tears right then. but i couldn't cry them. and all the guilt came rushing back. and i feel horrible for going away, for leaving him. and i'm scared because i'm not so sure about the whole recovery now. i think there's still a lot that's not healed. that's not quite right. and i don't want to be 1,000 miles away and not know. i'd rather be here and not know. but i know that if i'm here i'll go completely crazy. i can't handle it any longer. and it hurts me to think, to know, that i'm more than ready to leave but he's not.
and all of this when i was finally getting ready to take that deep breath and be happy and excited and all of those good things again. but for now, it looks like it's back to square one. ugh.