i can bandage anything. its healing now right?

[creepycayla]

there are a few rather large opportunities coming my way.
i would be a complete idiot to let them pass me by.
i am wanted as an assistant for a great hairdresser.
i could make a lot of money.
get out of here.
start my OWN life.

the last time i had opportunities like this i turned my back on them.
my priorities revolved around something that held me back.
no one is worth me failing again.
it will not happen.
because i used to be willing to give up everything for love.
love never got me very far.
love got me prescription drugs and panic attacks.
im still recovering from love.
im not blaming anyone but myself for all this...
i let love do this.
it is no ones fault but my own.
i never put a complete stop to it.

i think the idea of being in love is comforting.
i am in love.
im just trying to put pieces back together.
and its not the picture i thought it would be.
i no longer have delusional expectations.
i no longer have the faith i once did.
im going day by day.
im not making myslef sick.
im no longer psycho girlfriend.
i love him.
i do not love life.
and i am going to change that.
i will do what i can to be more happy.
whatever the fuck that means.
lately some friends have shown me what that means.
i miss the good old days.
when i had fun.
when i was happy.

i am very ill today.
he came over and made me soup and layed with me.
i finally got out of bed a few hours ago.
this has to stop.
this is not functioning.
this is not living.

she wasnt what youd call living really but she was still awake.